Husband doesn’t want another child but I do

[MissLB]

We have a beautiful little girl together that we tried really hard to make. My husband doesn’t want to go through trying again but I always envisioned more children. He’s an only child and can’t see the benefit of having siblings whereas I’ve come from a bigger family and realky lean on my siblings for support and vice versa.
we agreed we’d try for 6 months and then stop if it doesn’t happen but I’m really struggling with this.
it’s like grieving a life I thought I’d have. This agreement was very much a compromise for both of us as well. Plus I’d say 2/6 months he was unwell around the time we need to try and it didn’t happen.
im struggling to be intimate because all the hope I had whenever we did has gone.
i know it’s not something we can compromise on
he questioned tonight if i wanted to move on with someone else but i can’t do that to my daughter. he’s a great husband as well but I don’t want to build any resentment. Has anyone been through this?

I am your husband in this scenario. I’m an only child and happy to stay with one child.

He’d have liked more but has accepted we have our son and that’s it. I’d have been, very, very resentful if he’d pressurised me to have a second.

Let go of all the pressure. It’s not sexy when someone is desperate for a baby and I honestly think men hate the pressure. It sounds like he’s not against another child but he doesn’t want the pressure of the trying.
Just because your first took a long time to conceive doesn’t necessarily mean your second would. You don’t say why / what happened - if IVF etc I can see why he’s not keen. That’s another question. If it’s just you pile on the pressure with timing and timescales etc I think just stop and use no contraception, keep it as light as you can.

This is weird
The stress of 'trying' is too much but he's not willing to have regular unprotected sex and just see if it happens? How uptight did you get around TTC? Did he feel under a lot of pressure to perform?

Having read your posts actually I agree there is more going on here - the pulling out is very strange behaviour - and you clearly feel rejected by him doing it. You should be in agreement with every part of sex… you’re clearly not. And your seeing sex as the only way to get what you want , then him pulling out and you not wanting sex again is a very loaded situation.
I’d say you have some quite big issues there that you need to both work on.
I think you should both try some mariage counseling actually to work out what is happening here.

Were you stressing every time you were not pregnant? It sounds to me like sex has become completely overloaded with meaning to the point that you can't actually enjoy it for what it is. I'm not surprised you're frustrated if he has started pulling out - that's probably the worst thing he could do! But that suggests he definitely doesn't actually want a second child so it's time for you to straighten your head out and either accept that or move on from him.

I suppose it took over our lives. And there were some issues on his end so that probably put pressure on him. We’ve talked about how it might never happen anyway because his issues haven’t gone. We were told we only had a 4% chance of conceiving naturally last time and by some miracle we eventually did while we were waiting for ivf. But I never gave up hope of having more than one child following this where I think he doesn’t want to go through that again.

If he's not against another child, just the stress of TTC that is a different ball game. Can't you compromise on he stops pulling out and you stop putting pressure on him and yourself? Then if it happens, it happens.

There's plenty of women who have said they got pregnant once the pressure was taken off and they started having sex for the fun of it again. Sometimes the stressing does the opposite of what you want.

I do understand his position. I understand yours as well - but sex has now been essentially poisoned between you due to the pressure and the expectations. The only way you can get back on track is to take TTC out of it. You did so well to have your DC. Many people don't have the number of children they would really like. You have to learn to be ok with your life as it is.

I would t waste my fertile years with a man who doesn’t want children if I did. You might accept it now but resentment will build over time.

you see it so often, then off he trots when you’re too old, meets someone younger and has kids! Nope, if I wanted to try and have a bs y and he was adamant no then that would be it. Relationship would be dead for me

Have you read literally any of the OP's posts?

I think that last time TTC consumed your life and it put enormous pressure on both of you. It's taken the pleasure out of sex and made it transactional, to the point that your husband could possibly feel he's nothing more to you, than a sperm donor. You admit yourself that you don't want sex with him, because you know it's not going to lead to a pregnancy. Your husband isn't stupid, he must realise that your heart isn't in it. It's not going to do much for his self-esteem is it?

You need to take having more children off the table completely for the moment. I would strongly suggest that you both have some marriage counselling, to unpick all that is going on here. You both need to be completely honest with each other, during these sessions. For what it's worth, I don't think your husband is against having a 2nd child, what he doesn't want is for TTC to consume your entire relationship and him end up feeling like shit.

This sounds really difficult for both of you.
Could you do 6 months of not trying and revisit it after Christmas? Sounds like ye need to reconnect and enjoy sex and each other for a while.

I struggle to understand why you can’t actually read the OP properly before making a snide comment!

The OP clearly says that the stress of trying for their first child has put him off trying again, how could she possibly have known that before getting married?

I think this too, and I think he feels like a bit of a failure for not being able to get you pregnant and he is not prepared to keep doing that month after month after month. Sex has become a chore with the goal of making you pregnant, but he is missing the goal every time so now he is sabotaging his chances by pulling out so there will be no expenctation from you.

I think you should perhaps tell him that you are fine if you never fall pregnant again, that you are happy with the child you have, but can you just have sex like before and not pull out. There needs to be no pressure around sex.

@RoseField1 yes thanks

It doesn't seem to make sense that he's started pulling out because you can't use condoms and don't want to go back on the pill. Even if the six months of trying that you both originally agreed to are up, if he's not opposed to a second child and the issue is just that he doesn't want to repeat the stress of TTC under difficult circumstances, then why use any birth control method now? It may be statistically unlikely that you'd get pregnant without intervention, based on what you've been told and experienced, but if a baby is fine if it does happen then why actively prevent it?

I'd worry that he's decided he does not want another child at all, and harsh as it sounds it's a bad idea to have another unless you both actively want it. As you've said, it might not happen even with his enthusiastic cooperation. And it might not happen even if you DID split up and you eventually tried for a child with someone else. At some point, it makes sense to try to accept that your daughter may be an only child, and start considering how you want to handle that - possibly including adopting or even fostering if that's something you'd be able to do? Therapy may be useful with the first part of this.

Try to let go of the fantasy that the next child would be perfect and best friends with your existing child. There are so many moving parts to all this that it may not be possible anyway. There could be health issues for you or your child (God forbid), the next child could be high needs, or they simply don't just get along. Or, depending on the age gap, they just don't connect. Imagine the pressure all this would put on child 2 and to make up for the fact that their father wasn't on board with the idea in the first place.

I’d agree with that, it sounds like TTC became all consuming ( understandably) but sounds like DH doesn’t want that pressure of it all again sounds like it affected ops relationship and it was a stressful time.

One way to mess everything up is to have a child with someone who doesn't want one.

It sounds like an unhappy situation all round. It must have been hard for him as the person with issues to not feel guilty and pressured and something of a failure. Obviously also incredibly hard for you as it was what you wanted.
As others have suggested you need to work together to unpick all the different strands and really listen to what each says. You may need to be able to make compromises on both sides but absolute honesty is vital. Would you want a second child if the process was easy? What would you be willing to look to as solutions? Would you be able to go back to sex being a part of the relationship unrelated to children. Was sex good before ttc? You have become a bit adversarial rather than being in it together, can you work back from this to where you were?