Is there any coming back from the ick?

[Lecruesetisntright]

Just that really.

I deeply love DH and he's a wonderful husband and father, but I have very serious ick. The thought of sex is grim and when we do have sex I hate it, it's just icky. It's a shame because he is so lovely.

And really like to get through/ over this rather than separate, but I also don't want either of us in a sexless marriage.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

You can’t un-ick the ick unfortunately.

Do you still kiss? (snog)

Do you still like the way he smells?

Has he changed much physically recently?

I got the ick in my first serious relationship. It was when I was a lot younger and it was a whirlwind romance. Unfortunately the night that the ick came was the night we moved in together. It was pretty grim 😕

No, physical changes recently.

He doesn't smell bad but no, I don't like the way he smells. It's not offensive, his personal hygiene is excellent. I think it's his baseline body odour (not as in sweaty bo just as in his natural post washed smell).

We don't really snog but we never really have unless having sex.

You say he's lovely, so I guess he's not regularly mean to you nor ignores you, so that's not likely the root of the problem.

Is he the opposite and fawns all over you regularly and doesn't have a social life besides you and the kinds, so you feel smothered and it's too much?

You mentioned him being drunk during the act. Does this happen every time? Does he drink too much?

Without knowing the answers to those questions, you might occasionally try role playing, such as massage therapist and client, Superman and Wonder Woman, anything fun and silly. If he takes on the role of someone else, that might catapult you out of the ick.

My ick came when I was at the point of the straw breaking the camel's back from my husband's anger issues from his depression. I did divorce and eventually entered into a second marriage.

I think once we have the need to make
babies out of the way the ick is quite common - it’s almost built in to us. You chose him as a good father person and that job is almost complete. Not sure you can get past that easily. Perhaps on your terms - whatever that looks like to you? A romantic hotel. Exciting travel might bring a spark. Though it might be someone new!

I am trying to put myself in your shoes to give advice but i'm struggling.

When i fell 'out of love' with my XH it was quite all consuming. I couldn't bare to be near him.

And when i met my now husband i realised that i never had a grand passion for first husband at all! I realised we'd been (on my side) more like friends sleeping together.

The way i feel about DH is an animal thing which was never there with first.

Maybe you've arrived at the stage/age when you've used up the little real sexual attraction you had (and the drive to have kids) and you're left as just friends?

Is it fair to him to carry on when you feel like this?
No judgement. Just asking the question ...

Could it be that you never really fancied him. When you were younger your hormones sort of got you through but now as you age and your hormones are tailing off a bit (sorry!) your body and mind are just going 'nope'.

Thanks, maybe some role play would help.

No he's not mean and horrible, he doesn't drink a lot - but he definitely gets amorous when he does! And he has a good social life. He's not fawning over me either.

Oh god, he's perfect isn't he and I'm a horrible bitch!

This is what i was trying to say 👍

It's more a biomechanical fit issue. Gets the job done nicely

These two statements seem to me to contradict one another.

I think you need to get yourselves to a sex therapist and be brutally honest with each other. Practice speaking about it here without using euphemisms, otherwise you'll have no chance there.

I think you might be right.

He's absolutely wonderful on paper, and I picked the right man for making babies with. But there's no animal urgency there and never really has been. I have had that with other people and it's a very different feeling. They would have made shit husbands though!

And no, I suspect you are right, it's not fair on him.

Are you a bit touched out in general and needing some alone time? I'm an introvert and especially during peri really needed my peace and quiet to avoid becoming quite grumpy! Drunk and grabby OH made me rage!!

Do you feel that physical touch from him comes with unspoken pressure to have sex? If your libido is waning (easy once you've had kids so there's no biological drive to have sex, plus knackered with kids and possible hormone changes) and you feel pressured (no matter how lovely he is) it's easy for that to tip over into the ick!

Yes. I think that's summed it up well.

So putting it bluntly I orgasm very easily regardless of partner as long as there's sufficient time. And DH always ensure I orgasm first. But the sex isn't "great". It does the job, I orgasm. But the chemistry isn't there. That animalistoc I must have him.

Because you obviously love him, think he's a great bloke and are happy with the life you have together could you throw everything at making it work between the two of you?

How does he think it's going between you? Have you discussed that when he's drunk he lays it on a bit thick and it doesn't work for you? Get some therapy together/buy him some aftershave that does turn you on/have sex in cold places so he doesn't sweat? 😁 I'm making this up but you know what I mean.

Could it be that you both just need to ingnite s spark between you that for some reason dimmed or never really took hold a long time ago? If it doesn't work then at least you've tried everything.

I think it's pretty rare for animal urgency to last longer than a few years. Not saying it never happens, but most couples calm down a bit sex wise over time. I think if you generally have a nice life and love him I'd throw everything at trying to improve this first - therapy, novelty weird sex, luxury hotel rooms, whatever might spark some joy and improve your connection.

Okay that is three things to work with.

Get an aircon unit in the bedroom for the sweat.
Shut your eyes so you don't look at his face.
Tell him that he is never to come near you when he has been drinking.

Or, just divorce.

Has he changed ?

Nope

I wouldn't say we've ever been particularly sexually compatible

This is why I find it so infuriating when someone posts a thread saying 'I don't really fancy the man I'm dating. He's lovely and I'm in my 30s and I want kids and so does he, he's ideal on paper but I just don't find him that attractive and I don't feel that spark in bed' and a bunch of Mumsnetters tell her that she's being shallow and should persevere.

You married a man you're not that into physically on the grounds that he was nice and you wanted a certain type of life with him. What's happening now is, I think, a natural consequence of that, and only you can decide if you want to stay with him or not. But you sound actively repulsed by him.

I definitely fancied him earlier on in the relationship, the sex has never been amazing but it was definitely good enough. We definitely have different "styles" (I'm not trying to use euphemisms, I simply don't have the language to describe what I mean).

After kids I was very much touched out/ hormones everywhere and I've never really recovered. I'm only recently getting a sex drive back but it is definitely not aimed towards him unfortunately.

Why is it icky?

Same.

There is no coming back from the ick