Is this a mid life crisis or realisation that I’ve messed up?

[Alexahelp]

Just turned 40 (not fussed bout this as a bday!) married with two early school age kids. Been with lovely DH bit over 10 yrs. He is solvent, dependable, kind, we coparent really well. We both work, we could both afford to live alone, I do all the house admin and direct the main life decisions which he goes along with. This has always been the case (and a source of frustration) - I also asked him out and started the relationship in the first place. We got on and just never split up.

He is very different to many of my previous boyfriends in my 20s. Most of these were unreliable but fun relationships with men who were popular with girls, but I didn’t struggle really for dates - but the last one I was extremely hurt by and retreated into myself. I know my ‘safe’ and a bit more passive DH was an active decision to prioritise stability after that relationship. I chose him for a reason and perhaps suppressed some of the differences I saw in us.

Since kids have been more independent, I have deeply enjoyed reconnecting with my social side which gives me a huge natural buzz. DH doesn’t want to make new friends and struggles to enjoy new social situations. I feel like we are doing our lives separately. I want to socialise as a family as well as alone and he wants to relax at home.

I have also met a couple of men recently I have developed strong attractions for. I haven’t acted on these but I know they have been reciprocated. These men have both been the exact personality I got on with before - but now simply a bit older and so ready for more stability. I cannot stop thinking that I jumped into a situation with DH that I thought was the right thing to do, but compromised my natural personality in the process. Now I’m out the baby years, it’s all coming home to roost and I have potentially messed up for all of us - but I feel trapped in the need to compromise with him, or do things for myself entirely without him. I don’t think that’s what a relationship should bring.

What would you do? I care a lot about him but 40-50 years to go is a long time to compromise.

You just sound bored. Get a new job, plan the trip of a lifetime with your family, skydive. Do something that excites you, but don't blow up a stable family life. You chose the right man to father your children, stick at it. Long term marriages are always going to have dull times, you just need to ride it out.

The grass always looks greener OP. You’re gonna get a lot of heat on here, but you’re not having an affair and you said you’re not going to. There’s nothing wrong with questioning your life choices, we all do it. I’ve met people while I’ve been married and thought “maybe in another life” but it’s a passing thought and a fleeting moment. Don’t blow up your life over that.

I don't care if you are 20 or 40, there is nothing like the rush of a new relationship. The first kiss, wanting to be with them all the time. Its intoxicating. Until you decide what you want to do in your marriage I suggest you stay away from situations that would make you yearn for those feelings.

You choose what’s best for your children.

Just from the other perspective I found myself trapped in a relationship with somebody who just was not right for me. We have children together and because he was a "nice man" I delayed splitting the family up really but got to my 50s and realized you only get one life and you should be with somebody who makes you happy and wants to do the same sort of things that you want to do.

So I took the plunge and split it up and it was the best thing I've ever done I've never felt so lonely as being in that relationship towards the end because he was just getting more and more miserable and not wanting to do anything and I love traveling theatre cinema friends.

I did go on the apps at the end and met the loveliest man who is into all the same things that I'm into the exact same age as me - we are totally in love with each other and I'm so glad that I was brave enough to break out.

Also feel sad for the dh, only on mn would it be “poor you, with your nice, kind boring husband! your life has been ruined ..”

Indeed.

UGH. So WHAT? Grow up. Don’t cheat on your husband.