Pregnant and needing space from partner who will not make changes

[Expectingmam]

I’m pregnant with my first child, 24 years old and 10 weeks pregnant. I was with my partner for 4 months before getting pregnant, it was unexpected as I struggled with fertility in my last relationship.

I was living with him but moved to my parents 2 weeks ago due to constant stress from him. We both weren’t living the healthiest lifestyle before this, bad choices and habits but that all changed for me when I found out I was pregnant. I can’t be responsible anymore for getting him better, I have my baby to be responsible for now. He wants the relationship to work but won’t do his part, getting over his addiction, getting a job, sorting his mental health. I work full time, got clean but am constantly pressured through messages and calls that me needing space won’t sort him out. I think it’s unfair and don’t know what to do, he wants to be in mine and baby’s life but won’t do the one thing needed which is consistently sort things out. He says he needs me to be able to sort his life out but that just feels like a guilt trip. Doing well for a couple days then going back to the way things were isn’t enough for me to want it. I need to see it consistently - as that is change, not over a couple days. I just feel selfish for putting my feelings over his but when there is a baby involved it’s not just about us anymore.

In all honesty, if he's an addict, you should keep him away from you and your baby at all costs. I hope you can stay on track in your recovery and are getting the support that you need. Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

Tell your midwife and she’ll make a plan to keep you and baby safe you don’t need to have any contact with him all all until baby is here and then if he is clean you can talk if not he can go via contact centres or mediation and via courts.

Don’t put his name on the birth certificate whatever you do or he’ll have equal rights to you immediately

give baby your surname

Absolutely this.

@Expectingmam op stay at your parents and keep doing what you are doing.
As for him if he is that keen to be in you and /or the baby’s life he can sort it out from where he is.
Don’t be worn down.

If he's trying to guilt trip you then just block him until the baby is born and then reassess whether he is clean enough to be around you both.

Agree with pp, do not put his name on the birth certificate. He will make your life hell for the next twenty years - he's already started on that path so you know he will.

Congratulations on getting clean. Are you with a support group for that?

If he’s an addict he’s not going to change just because you’re having a baby.

Are you sure having a baby as a single parent is a good idea at this point? How do your parents feel about you moving back in with them and being pregnant?

I have things in my fridge older than this relationship.

Get rid of him and block him. He's an abusive wastrel. It's not your job to fix him, it's no anyone's job to fix him. He needs to grow up and do that himself.

Concentrate on you and the baby and stay away from this man before social services become involved and you have yourself another headache.

Personally I would keep him off the birth certificate and would be reluctant to tell him I'd even given birth (but that's for you to decide).

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and giving your advice. I do agree with everyone - I’m very lucky to have the support I do from my parents. They really are the best and are supporting me in every way they can and more. I think what I was struggling with most is how much he wants things to work and wants to be in baby’s life, but that’s not possible if he doesn’t sort his own life out.

You need to focus on yourself and your baby. You’ve barely known each other 6 months, already moved in and then moved out. You’ve gotten clean, but for how long? 8-10 weeks since you’ve been pregnant? I’m 3 years sober now and I can tell you, there is still a long bumpy road ahead for you. The most dangerous time for relapse being in the months and first couple years after your baby is born. You can’t get him well too. It will be enough to look after yourself and your baby.

Stay with your family. End the relationship and don’t even consider getting back together until he’s at least a year sober and ideally you are through the first year or so of your baby’s life (it’s hard! Really hard!). This can be the making of you and your life. But it will be so much harder if you’re trying to drag him with you. You are doing the right thing in letting him find his own way. He may never come with you and you have to get to a place where you are genuinely okay with leaving him behind.