Regretting not trying again with my ex and feeling isolated

[BlackDolphins]

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, maybe just a vent or to see if anyone else relates.
My ex broke up with me, but afterwards he did try a few times to get back together and I said no each time. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I honestly regret it.
I haven’t met anyone since, and with having the kids full time, I don’t really have the opportunity to. What’s shocked me most is how much it feels like society expects mums with children to just stay alone forever. This is fine if you want to but I’m assuming the people that feel that way have loads of good people arriving them. People say “surround yourself with friends and family”, but what if you don’t really have either? I’ve drifted from family over the years because the relationships weren’t healthy, and I don’t really have friends either. Having Sen children has made it difficult to make and maintain friendships and as a result ive lost a lot of friends over the years.

The thought of spending the next 18 years alone feels overwhelming. I’m already halfway through it, and it’s become painfully clear how isolated my life is. If I’d known loneliness could feel this intense, I probably would’ve given my ex another chance.
It genuinely hurts sometimes. I can go weeks without having a proper conversation with another adult, apart from saying a few words to staff at my children’s school. That’s basically my social interaction.
I never imagined I’d regret not trying again with my ex, but I think I do now and it’s far too late if I knew I was expected to spend the next 18 years alone I would have taken the chance. I missed my chance to try again.
How are people supposed to cope with years and years of this? I didn’t choose to be a single mum. He left me.
Maybe I just want to know I’m not the only one who feels like this.

OP I think you hold this idealised version of relationship in your head while in reality relationships can be very difficult or even toxic and dangerous for women. That's not to say there aren't good, compatible men out there but in order to meet one you need to first be happy on your own. The fact you regret not getting back with your ex (who is ex for a reason and who left you with kids ) shows some form of desperation and lowering standards that will cost you down the line.
It can be very lonely being a single mum but you need to make some effort to find friends, yes it's not easy, that's why being pro- active is important. You can't just wait for things to happen. I've met all my regular friends after I became a single parent and they were my lifeline.

If you get to the point when you feel at peace on your own you will be more likely to build a good relationship with a man who is right for you rather then accepting less then you deserve just for the sake of being with someone.

He broke up he will do it again not worth the heartache...I spent 12 years on my own with my oldest kids then met someone quite by accident and been married and more kids for the last 20yrs...I just decided to focus on them and if love came along I was ready

Didn’t you post this same thread already?

Your ex is not a solution. He is such a useless man that you said he doesn’t even bother to see his children. Why would you want a relationship with a man like that?

You were given lots of good advice on the other thread. You do not need a relationship not to be lonely. It IS possible to see friends when your children are at school or to get SEN-appropriate childcare. There are also support groups you can access. You need to widen your social circle and develop some activities and friendships.

Seeking a relationship just for the sake of not feeling lonely means you would likely attract another unpleasant man. You need to work on building a life for yourself that you are happy with first.

Lone parenting is hard but it doesn’t mean you have to be isolated from everyone. This is a choice. The longer you isolate yourself the more you’ll feel anxious about meeting people so you need to break this cycle and stop ruminating on the past and the ending of a relationship with someone who would never be capable of being a decent partner anyway if he’s capable of walking out on his children and then never bothering to see them.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5527627-regretting-saying-no-to-my-ex-and-struggling-with-single-parent-loneliness?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

You don’t know my situation my child is out of school and friends work during school hours well the friends I use to have but everyone disappeared so don’t make assumptions it’s very hard to make and maintain friendships when you can’t leave the house. My child can’t go to childcare as they are aggressive and require 2:1. Which child care does not provide.

Also I only got 10 responses as most of them were my own comments so I thought this board might me better.

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely.

There must have been reasons the relationship broke down, and why you refused to take him back then.

Those reasons haven't changed because you're struggling at the moment. He won't have changed.

I don't think your problem would be solved by taking back someone it already didn't work with. You'd just have the old set of problems on top.

Are there perhaps support groups for parents of children with your son's condition? Or related charities? I would look for external support that way.

Back then I had friends and family, but I’ve had to distance myself from family as they become toxic and something happened (a family rift) which I won’t go into, that’s why I don’t speak to them now, also I had some friends (never had loads but had a small circle) but they became hard to maintain as my child is out of school and doesn’t cope going to places and I struggle to take them out on my own so people stopped inviting me to places. I was alone and isolated like I am now but my situation changed. And tbh part of me was still mad with him for leaving.

It sounds as if you’re only regretting not going back to your ex because you have no one else in your life, and you don’t see any possibility of another relationship. That’s not a good reason to resume a relationship.

Is your ex the father of your children? If so, why doesn’t he ever look after them?

Yes he is. He said his house was not suitable so would only see them here. If I don’t let him he doesn’t see them

But surely you can go out while he looks after the children at yours? And use it as some respite time for you, and/or a chance to make new friends doing something you enjoy?

I don’t want him at my house he goes through my stuff and reads my letters and looks in my wardrobe. He also use to not leave when asked. Thats why I put a stop to it. And he would only come when he wanted to he wouldn’t stick to any set days or times making it impossible to plan things.

And this is the man you’re regretting not having resumed your relationship with?

Yes I know it may sound ridiculous, I came home once and found him “sorting out” my wardrobe which I found strange as it didnt need sorting. He also read a letter he claimed fell out of a drawer. I have probably made it sound worse than it was. He wasn’t a bad dad or partner otherwise it would have been me that left which I wouldn’t have.

your ex is an ex for good reason. thinking he’s better than nobody is just because you are sad and worn down with sen life. make new friends at a sen centre or somewhere that other mums meet that are going through the same things. we dont need men. we just need a bit of a life. freedom. just a bit.

It is maybe time to rethink the social isolation and interactions so that lack of emotional support is there without a need to be in a bad relationship.
Is there anyway to do a hobby or go sit in a park with the kids to be surrounded by other people.
Can you be a helper at school or get into something while school is on...do you work?

No im not working my child isnt at school because they can’t cope with it. We go to the park but usually later in the evening when it’s quiet because they don’t like busy places or loud noises.

Hi

I understand exactly how you are feeling. I came across your post whilst reading endless stuff online as I feel so alone and I'm struggling with sleep. I've found myself on my own with 3 SEN children (2 who struggle to leave the house). I'm also autistic myself so find making friends really difficult. I think my relstionship had really come to the end of the road but I miss having another adult in the house and feel completely overwhelmed, lost and alone.

People talk about getting childcare but they really have no idea. Its so difficult.

Thank you I agree, it’s very annoying when people say “oh you can use child care” as if all kids with sen can use child care first of my child is a teen now so too old for most child care and secondly my child is aggressive and requires 2:1 and often needs restraining, places won’t take them and can’t manage them. School can’t even manage it so I don’t know what magical child care they think exists for children like this.