Told dp I didn’t want to be with him any more

[scared1234]

And I am upset and terrified. We have 2 dc together ages 3 and 4 (and I have a teen dc from previous relationship also). We’ve been together 8 and a half years, our finances are all shared (I’ve been at home with dc, he works, I will be returning to work in September when our dc start reception and nursery) and we rent a housing association house. So while our finances are joint, there’s no assets or anything to figure out.

He’s always been avoidant, rarely takes any accountability for anything and when rowing tends to shout and storm off then give me silent treatment. I’m so tired of that, and I know it’s abusive behaviour. He’s improved a bit over the years, but not enough. Something happened recently where I found out he’d acted inappropriately at a work event and made a number of women uncomfortable. I don’t know exactly what he did or said though. He was very drunk and says he remembers nothing of it, and didn’t know it had happened (it happened 6 months ago). I feel like this (and his lack of ownership and apology) has just made me feel too tired to continue. I’m unhappy a lot and I don’t want to be.

But I’m devastated for my beautiful children who love their dad, and him because he loves them too and I know it will devastate him to not be able to live with them and see them every day. He’s been a shit partner in a number of ways, but he’s also been a great family member in ways. I don’t feel like he’s a bad person, and I feel so guilty and upset and grief stricken to cause him the pain that I know he’s feeling, though he won’t show it or say a word about it. I haven’t told anyone because I’m scared for it to be real, and if I don’t tell anyone then I can still back out.

I don’t think it’s the wrong choice, I don’t think I can be truly happy with him, though I’m not sure he will find happiness without me, I think he might wallow in his grief of the loss of his family and never truly recover honestly. I’m terrified of the change, how it will affect our children, the pain etc. And I don’t want to do it, I want us to be able to be happy together but I just don’t believe it can be better anymore and I don’t want to exist like this. I feel diminished, like this relationship has made me a lesser person, and an unhappy one. But I’m scared, and I’m sad.

So long I know, sorry. Here felt like a place I could tell someone without telling someone iykwim.

Hi op sorry to hear this. Would you both consider therapy? Individually and together?

If you split could you stay friends/friendly and coparent well?
How would you be financially? Have you thought about applying for housing now so you aren't stuck looking in an urgent situation if living together becomes too much? Looked at any financial assistance eligibility? Found any needed childcare/afterschool clubs etc? Have you met with a solicitor, I'd speak with 3, to get opinions and advice? These are some things off the top of my head I'd sort first. I think you need to get your resources in order so you can plan.

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. I would suggest marriage counselling first. Perhaps it will make your partner take stock of the situation? Life with 2 young children and a teenager is tough.

Just be mindful, standard Mumsnet advice is to dump. However there are plenty of threads where women regret splitting up.

I

@Mumtobabyhavoc no need to waste money on solicitors, they just need to sort housing and co-parenting.
He's a sexual harasser and abusive to OP, no counsellor would accept them as clients.

You say you feel guilty, upset and grief-stricken to cause him pain, but he's the one who has caused this, not you. Please remember that. He has caused you a huge amount of grief and upset, but does he feel guilty? No. Has he apologised? No. He's in denial and says he doesn't remember any of it. Does he seriously think that will make everything better again? No, it won't.

I know, I know it’s his fault (that’s not to say I’m entirely without blame for issues in our relationship). But rightly or wrongly I still feel very upset about his pain too

We had discussed counselling previously as an option, but can’t really afford it I suppose so haven’t acted on it

Nothing gets better with men who can't apologise

Do you like reading? There are many excellent books and podcasts on how to improve relationships. My favourite is Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It.

I suppose it would be difficult to find time to read books because you have a lot of caring responsibilities. Saying this, in times of trouble all I had to do is to imagine my children's first Christmas as a split family. This alone was enough to focus my mind to working my relationship rather than splitting. No one is perfect like you said.

It’s cheaper than running two households

who has the HA tenancy?

OP could you give him ultimatum and ask him to go to therapy? There are charities like Mind and Relate that offer help for very affordable fee. It might cost you less then separation anyway.

It does sound like a very difficult relationship and if he doesn't take steps to improve then nobody would blame you for prioritising your own mental health. Children don't do well in unhappy homes with unhappy parents.

I think a lot of women will relate.
We all make mistakes, can be shit or shiny other halves. And no, I’m not excusing him.
Quite often the MN response is a vigorous LTB but several PP are suggesting you try to work through this, that you don’t end it yet. I wholeheartedly agree.
Use the advice you’ll get here, from trusted and discreet older family members (who similarly have experience) to try to resolve this so you’re happy, don’t feel diminished, lessened, existing. Above all, talk to him.

He shouts and is a sleaze. I wouldn't be rushing to 'work things out'. If he wanted to change and salvage the relationship he would.

I do think you're underestimating him though OP. He'll bounce back just fine, and be with a new woman in no time.

WTF am I reading? A woman has posted about finally leaving her abusive partner and everyone is telling her to stay and work on it!!

dont listen OP. It will be incredibly hard but you’re doing the right thing and need to put you and your dc first 💐 you’re doing the right thing

I don’t want to exist like this. I feel diminished, like this relationship has made me a lesser person, and an unhappy one.

Read this back to yourself. And then congratulate yourself for taking the right path forward.

rarely takes any accountability for anything and when rowing tends to shout and storm off then give me silent treatment. I’m so tired of that, and I know it’s abusive behaviour.
Why would you want to stay with an abusive person? Your children are also being abused by living in that dynamic and watching their father abuse their mother. This will affect them with their own future partners as you will have raised them to think toxic relationships are the norm. If you can't leave for yourself then leave for them.

No decent, accredited therapist will let you do couples counselling with an abusive partner, and I cannot believe how many posters are telling a woman to work on a relationship THAT IS ABUSIVE.

I feel diminished, like this relationship has made me a lesser person, and an unhappy one.
A decent partner should be supportive and add to your life at the very least but he is slowly breaking you. How will you care for the children when you are broken? Start thinking of yourself for a change. HE is the one who has been causing the pain, not you.

I appreciate your points. What is OP alternative? 3 very upset children, shared custody and financial struggles?

OP is between a rock and a hard place. She needs to choose wisely.

Of course not. There are many different ways to manage this but staying with an abusive partner is not one of them.