NC’d for this, and writing this down so I can just get some clarity.
Been with partner for around 5 years. Generally happy, two teenagers, not his, but they get along really well. When we got together I discovered shortly after he had still been seeing a couple of other women. Everything blew up, I spent years thinking it was me, not him, etc. Lots of work on the relationship, and we managed to move forward.
Fast forward about 3 years, literally weeks after we bought a house together, I discover he’s been messaging a woman he had a casual fling with a few years back. Eventually, I saw the texts, and it was actually nothing sexual, it was regarding something she was going through. I messaged her and she was lovely - had no idea I existed, and backed off etc. I also discovered at that time that he also had a porn addiction, I don’t mean he watched a bit of it now and then - that I could live with - I mean he watched it every day, and had been for years, sitting on my sofa in my house, standing in the kitchen, in the ad breaks when I left the room. All the time. At the same time our sexlife wasn’t great, sex once a week, very samey, and he really very rarely shows any real desire for me, despite being physically affectionate, but it doesn’t generally translate to sex. I had figured that was down to being in a long term relationship and being in our 40’s. I’m pretty sure he loves me, but I don’t think I do it for him physically - which makes me feel like shit. He swore he’d get help for the porn addiction, was open an out what was on his phone, said I could check it any time etc. I thought - yet again - that we finally had no more secrets and that we were moving on. He has had regular counselling throughout this.
Then here we are today. He’s been away for work, and I went through his bag to get dirty clothes out to chuck in the wash and came across a phone. An old one, clearly not a work phone. And an old MP3 player. I couldnt access the phone but could access the MP3. Sure enough, I’ve found his wank bank. Now, I don’t have an issue with him having a wank, knock yourself out. But this had photos of a long- ago ex, with a very different body from mine, and apparently the phone has photos of other women he texted / sexted for years between 2011 and beyond 2017. I have to rely on him telling me that as I couldn’t see the content. It’s the fact these women don’t consent to him using their photos all these years later. It’s gross, and that makes me feel the sickest about it.
Sadly we have just remortgaged and I can’t move out
and I don’t have the means to rent elsewhere or anything. We will have to live here and try our best to hide this from the kids, as they have had enough upheaval in their life, I’ll have to hang on for another few years before I can leave as I want them to have moved out before I uproot them yet again. This time is different, I’m not hurt like I have been before, because I know I really don’t need - or want - a man in my life in the future. He is pathetic and I am so tired of weak and pathetic men.
Has anyone else had a similar situation? Maybe I am overreacting and making a mountain out of a molehill? If you got this far, thanks. Please be gentle with me, I’m feeling a bit vulnerable and raw today.