Struggling with partner's wealth and what it means for our future

[Goingthrough]

A few years after getting divorced after a 20 year marriage I fell head over heels in love with a man ( we're both mid 50s) who is in the process of getting divorced. We've been seeing each other for 2 and a half years. I have three teenagers, he has one, we've kept it very discreet and agreed to not living together until all kids have left home. I am a freelancer earning c £20,000 pa which recently seems to be flying out as soon as it comes in on kid and elderly mother support stuff. He is extremely careful with money. Early on I realised the extent to which is plagued by a fear of not having enough money which I recognise. I've got my own hangs up and never feel particularly in control, safe or secure. Recently it emerged that he is a multi-millionaire and I can't get my head around it or what, if anything, it means in the future for being a couple. I need to carry on working every hour I can get work which he understands so his plan to accommodate me working and us seeing each other is when I can we'll go away for weekends and have dinners out both of which he says he'll pay for. I swing between feeling (probably totally unreasonably) a bit exposed and lonely financially to worrying is this what a proper later life couple relationship should look like to thinking is this just more of the same me feeling financially not in control with some looming envy for the comfort of his situation. Do I need to just be pleased for him?

I wonder if that’s why he is divorcing? Maybe he see’s women as gold diggers? Tricky situation as, if you discuss it, he may feel you’re with him for the money but if you don’t, you’ll start to resent him.

Is he still living with his wife? You referenced “when his children leave home” or similar?

I don’t think I would have ever gone near this man.

In my experience, most self made millionaires are millionaires because they are super tight and careful with money and plan meticulously for every 1p spent.

I personally don’t feel he’s done anything wrong to date .. you’re dating and not living together and he pays for your dates and days out. I wouldn’t expect anything more at this stage. At the point of moving in together, that would be when I would want to see outgoing bills paid proportionately to what you earn etc.

I think it would be very difficult to be happy in a relationship with someone who was mean with money. That’s not to say someone shouldn’t be careful, and you shouldn’t expect everything to be paid for, but being mean with money, for me if an awful trait and I wouldn’t be able to get past it.

Being mean and being careful are not the same thing.

'Multi-millionaires' on paper often very low cash reserves and complex financial set-ups. Sometimes people who make a lot of money do so precisely because they are 'careful' in other aspects of their lives.

For the same reasons as others have said, it seems perfectly reasonable at the moment - you each have your own lives and he is paying for the times you spend together.

If he paid for everything for you wouldn't that make you some kind of 'kept woman/ mistress' ? Much worse IMHO...

Re-reading your OP, are you quite SURE he is in the process of getting divorced? Whose idea was it to 'keep it discreet'?
Sorry to be blunt, but are you sure you're not just the 'other woman' that he enjoys seeing for meals and the odd weekend away?

Could the fact that you're so busy with work not be rather convenient for him?

With a second phase relationship ship, his main financial responsibilities remain to his children. Even when they are adults, he should prioritize their inheritance over financially supporting a new relationship.

what he should not do is pressure you to live beyond your means. He doesn’t become financially responsible for you just because you are dating. However, the relationship should not harm you. As you increase the time you spend together, he has to choose to either contribute more to your shared time together or to exist purely within your means.

you shouldn’t expect him to rescue you. He just needs to not create any burden, not even the tiniest bit.

Rich people can be notoriously tight-fisted. That's how they stay rich.

If I was him the last thing I’d want to do is take responsibility for you and three children- and tbh I’d never bother dating someone when there was such a disparity in incomes

I can’t see what he’s doing wrong here.

All he’s done is accommodate your work by seeing you when you are free. Do you want a man who doesn’t value your work? Who says ‘I’m sure you do have work to do but I want to go to the cinema so you can’t work’.

And you say he pays for meals and weekends away.

What do you want?

You don’t live together, he’s married to someone else. You have three children which is a big expense but choose to work in a job that earns well under minimum wage.

Are his millions from his work or something else? How many will he keep in his divorce? How did you only find out a couple of years in?

Thank you. All the comments are so helpful as I'd lost the wood for the trees (or whatever that expression is) since the money thing emerged a couple of months ago when he just sort of offered it up in conversation. I was really surprised as I've never known anyone who has money like that. I really wanted to ask him what it's like but the whole topic has just become so awkward.
I love my work and he's very respectful of that but now I am going to try and get a better paid job!