BF isnt sure about getting married because he hates attention

[ForHazelEagle]

Me (26) and my BF (28) have been together 3 years, we have a house together but my BF said to me that he hates the idea of getting married mainly because of the "attention". He says that if we were to get married then he just wants it to be me and him (And no family members, brides, best man etc). He told me that he hates the idea of all the attention and focus being on us and also spending loads of money on a wedding.

He even told me that he is scared of dying just because he doesnt want people standing around his coffin and doesnt want the attention. He is also trying to start up his own engineering buisness but he tells me that in the company he currently works for some co-workers basically worship the owner like he is the second coming when he walks in and would be over trying to lick the owners ass in. My BF said he'd hate that if he had workers doing that to him and would sack them

I dont know why he feels this way at times I think its social anxiety but he never strikes me as someone who has anxiety. He did tell me that growing up he never had any birthday parties which never bothered him so maybe he just isnt use to groups giving him attention? I honestly dont know

Well that’s OK isn’t it? He is happy to marry you but doesn’t want a fussy wedding? Is that right?

If you want to marry him just crack on with the date and tell your chosen few witnesses a few days before.

You will look back and be glad you didn’t waste thousands on something one of you found an ordeal.

Do you want to get married? Is this what you thought your wedding would look like? Would you compromise on numbers, where and giving up having bridesmaids etc? What would he compromise on?

Weddings are ridiculous cost wise these days. I am really hoping my children choose very small weddings.

I hate it too. I had a medium sized wedding and hated it. I see pictures of people eloping and feel sad that we didn't do that. It sounds like he wants to be married to you, he just doesn't want a big fuss.

I hear what everyone is saying here OP and I’m a bit unsure about saying the following .. but it’s true so it’s maybe something to factor in. maybe not.

My DH was like that about getting married. I swear he only proposed because his family had put on pressure (definitely not me). He spent our wedding day hanging out with his friends - I barely saw him. He managed to make everything in the run up about his speech - he said the day before the wedding it was all about that for him.
And the speech was pretty much all about him.
He made out he didn’t like attention- the real truth (as I’ve learned the hard way 15 years on) is that he hated attention being on him because he had to perform feelings he didn’t actually have for me.

And he didn’t want me to get attention.

Not everything looks the way it appears.

What’s he like with his friends? Does he prefer small get togethers? Where he gets to be centre of attention even though that looks different to someone who is overtly attention seeking..? Or does he just not like attention in case it shows him up if he fails (like being a boss, or indeed being dead!). My DH, to use his own words, has “very high narcissistic traits”. But it’s what you might hear called “covert” - which looks very different to what people know as the overt all cheating/lying/charming type.

I don’t want to put ideas in your head - you’ll know if any of that resonates. And if it does… I’d exercise extreme caution about entering a marriage. I remember thinking after I got married (in entirely good faith from my end) I suppose there’s always divorce.. but that was before I had a stillborn baby and then a severely disabled child.

Of course your BF may be just terrified of any kind of spotlight and there are, as lots of pps have said, ways to deal with that and still marry. If he wants to.

Jeez it's a pretty bleak life if you can't even face getting attention on your wedding day.. and then not to permit yourself a funeral etc. Talk about having low self esteem.

My DS2 never wanted a party. He went to a couple because friends invited him to theirs then said he hated parties. He has ASD. I think it was all too overwhelming for him. Too much noise, food he didn't like, games that he thought were silly. So we asked every year what he would like for a treat. He chose a place to go to, zoo, animal park, heritage railway and that was his birthday sorted.
Not wanting a party isn't abuse.

Tell him no one stares at the groom at a wedding all eyes are on the bride the groom and the ushers all look the same!
however there are two issues - a wedding, and being married.
if you could compromise on the wedding and just elope, perhaps you could plan a mega hen with your friends so that you still have a big party to celebrate?

Me too. Fortunately, both exDH and I agreed to get married in the registry office with 2 friends as witnesses. I cannot bear a fuss or being the centre of attention.

There is a difference between a wedding and a marriage it sounds as if he doesn’t want a wedding.

what is important to you in this situation? Would you be happy with a marriage but no wedding?

My partner and I are getting married next year. I had the same reservations. I’m an introvert and hate the attention. We’re having around 45 guests. We’re walking into the venue together - none of this “everyone watching the groom be nervous and then focus on the bride walk in”. That took the edge off enough for me. After that I’m thinking of it as just spending time with people I love. You can make it as big or small as you want. There are no rules.
He hasn’t said he doesn’t want to make a commitment to you, he just doesn’t want be the centre of attention. That’s a positive.

I totally understand his perspectives. When exH proposed to me we were on holiday in NY. I accepted on the condition the wedding was just us and a couple of witnesses. We headed off to City Hall the next day with our passports - we were married 48 hours later … it cost $150. The supplied the witnesses 😂

Yes I wouldn't like to have a wedding as I wouldn't like to be centre of attention either. I don't have anxiety or anything, it's just not my thing
The compromise for me would be same as him, get married but minimal people

He’s an introvert although he will be able to mask it at times. It doesn’t mean he suffers from anxiety or anything else.

Compromise and have a small wedding. If you want a great big party (which I do understand) do it for your 30th. Then it's just you who has to be centre of attention.

Is this to be the rest of your life @ForHazelEagle?

Pandering to this man who sounds slightly unhinged (sacking employees?? people around coffin??)

What about what YOU want?

I'd suggest he has some counselling to sort himself out

If he won't, then I wouldn't marry him and I'd end the relationship

Does he care about what you want and makes you happy? Or does he just think about himself?

Had a partner said the exact same thing. Was cheating on me for nearly a decade as it turned out. Sure yours isn't, but still, it sounds like an excuse for something, like not wanting to be married.

The reason I asked was because it wasn't clear from the OP whether it was her DP's choice that he didn't have birthday parties, or whether his parents didn't arrange them, in which case it made me wonder whether his childhood was not a happy one.

My kids didn't have birthday parties, except a couple of times when they were very young (under 5). Neither did I. Neither did DH. I don't find that odd at all.

What I do find odd is how it appears nowadays to be obligatory to spend hundreds of pounds every year on kids' birthday parties. These are never just the old-fashioned party of having a few friends around for party games and birthday cake, they're usually at a venue, sometimes miles away, cost a fortune and include the serving up of low quality, crappy UPF food, such as cheap pizza or "nuggets" and fries. Parents of the attendees then feel obliged to reciprocate, as they don't want their child to feel left out. It's a bit of a vicious circle, imo.

A low key wedding is one thing, but he wouldn't even want his immediate family there?

He sounds like me. I'm planning a direct cremation and I did give in to my family's wishes and have a medium sized wedding with about 20 guests. I hated it and wished I had held the line and only invited about 5 people.

It's nothing to do with low self-esteem. I mean you could make the opposite argument and say that those who feel a need to have a big showy wedding with themselves as the centre of attention are desperate for external validation...