How do I stop caring what my ex does after leaving? Or move past it to coparent with someone I’m trying to heal from

[YouCanYouWill]

Just that really he left me after 12 years said he was sick of bickering (worked opposite shifts never seen each other) I was working full time alone every evening and weekend he worked late evening and weekend I get why he left (mainly couldn’t deal with pressure and responsibilities as I’ve seen it throughout relationship) and have reflected a lot. He avoided a lot of conversations over the years and when he left He shut down said was his choice whether right or wrong moved forward started a new life obviously went dating as I seen him on some then got with someone else moved in with her after 8 weeks as said it made financial sense , drinking every week, won’t pay for children. He walked out on her after 3 month but said it was a big mistake he shouldn’t of (I think it’s because she wouldn’t let him back and he had to fund own place) they stayed on and off declared how happy he was to everyone and split up longer this time it’s always her leaving him but he’s went straight on dating website which my daughter had seen and insisted on telling me and now he’s went even more cold with me as if it’s my fault. It just hurts that he keeps going back to her although I’m over the heartbroken stages constant crying and I have built a better stable life lost weight holidays with kids new job, more than him his life is in and out of jobs on and off with her on benefits and lives for the pub which he never did. I think I still get thoughts of how he abruptly left got new partner met kids straight away moved in and he’s just sailed into this new life. I really want relief from thinking of him or being hurt everytime I hear he’s back with her it doesn’t sting as much I’m just more frustrated as I don’t even like who he’s turned out to be. Ooops sorry for long rant just think my family will be sick of me after a year

I’m sorry to hear this. He sounds chaotic and unsafe and I’m glad you’re away from him.

He didnt sail into a new life - he is in a toxic unstable relationship and is becoming increasingly dependent on alcohol. He’s a deadbeat Dad not paying.

If you can’t shake it go to counselling to get help on changing thought patterns.

@Sinceyouasked thank you I know he only ever drank when a football match was on now he priories the pub. I done therapy when he first left maybe I should go back for the last few pieces. I don’t even respect his values or lifestyle he lives now that’s why I’m so frustrated I get upset over him some days maybe it’s because I think even if his life is a mess he’s still happier without me so stings a bit

Sorry should of added was 1 year ago he left which is annoying

One year isn’t a long time. It’s tough but from your post you’ve actually reflected on what was not working and you’ve really made great positive leaps.
He has gone backwards into a chaos. This woman is with should be pitied. She’s putting up with a drunken loser.
Over time, sadly, he will probably deteriorate.
It is not a great ‘love story’ it’s two people using each other for convenience.
Have you ever thought she might feel envious of you? You got the better version if him?
And now she’s got the drunken leftover guy.
You poor daughter seeing him on a dating site - pathetic sight I am sure.
Time is the best healer and in time it will be better for you to know less about him.

I think you’re looking at this the wrong way . Aren’t you glad to be free of his drama and chaos ? He is not reliable, lives for the pub, needs his OH so he has somewhere to live, not because he loves her. He’s not necessarily happier with her, he needs somewhere to live ! It’s a relationship of convenience. Meanwhile as you say you are over the worst of the heartbroken phase, you have a better stable life, have lost weight, new job and holidays with the kids. Try not to keep looking in the rear view mirror, it sounds like you’re doing fine without him.

A year is no time at all. Be kinder to yourself. Get the therapy. You'll get there. Probably best block him on socials so you can't track his life.

I know it is hard when you still have to co-parent but is there any way you can block what you see about him?

I divorced last year after 22 years married and he moved on VERY quickly and because our lives were so enmeshed with a house, kids and a long marriage, the first 6-9 months were horrific for me. Divorce was the right decision for me but I was horrifically lonely at first and to see him swanning around with the new woman, all the fun things they were doing, the money they were spending, even
things like Netflix account , phone contracts, joint email address for
house admin - it was all so much in my face.

I finally woke up and blocked everywhere on social media so I was not accosted with his date night Insta reels.

I got a new phone contract, got my own Netflix, Apple music so I didn't have to see him creating new playlists for her (with songs that were previously “our songs” etc).

I just basically tried to actually remove myself from him and him from me - co parenting aside.

I also blocked her everywhere as well - I dont want to see her LinkedIn updates (she and I work in the same industry) or face popping up under “people you might know”.

The less you see, hear and know
about them, the less you will keep
getting these gut punches and the less you will feel the need to
compare your life to his.

This! How old is your dd that she’s seeing him on dating sites?!

I can almost hear Elton John…
’And you can tell everybody that this is your song.
Well, maybe not as it was actually for my ex.
But I’m too lazy to get to another one, and you’ll never know anyway will you?
However, I’m going to keep being performative because I’m SO romantic.’

@ThisJadeBear

I can almost hear Elton John…
’And you can tell everybody that this is your song.
Well, maybe not as it was actually for my ex.
But I’m too lazy to get to another one, and you’ll never know anyway will you?
However, I’m going to keep being performative because I’m SO romantic.’

YES - yes to all of this. You summed up my feelings so perfectly. Yes, I know no one* *owns a song but really our wedding songs?!

Surely there have been new music releases since 2008. At least be a teensy tiny bit creative with it - just a little bit!

🙄.

At least it’s not in my face anymore.

@YouCanYouWill time is indeed a healer. It gets better.

@CocoaTea I think that’s even grimmer. Your wedding songs? He’s either a lazy shit or a manipulative one or both.
Whoever she is, she’s welcome to him.

@YouCanYouWill As others have said a year isn’t that long to heal. Block as much as you can - suggest your DD also blocks him on dating sites and his new girlfriend on social media, to protect your DD from pain as much as reduce what she feels necessary to tell you.

It will get better and keep reminding yourself you have done so well already.

I remember feeling very jealous when I heard my ExH was getting remarried 3 years after we divorced. I had initiated the divorce and didn’t want to be with him anymore after all he’d put me through but it felt hugely unfair that he appeared to have his life sorted so quickly. Turned out he only married her to protect pensions and she conveniently had a house in London where he’d moved to for work within weeks of us splitting.

One of the things I kept telling myself was that it was better for me to be alone rather than with just anyone for the sake of outward appearances or financial considerations. I had several years alone and it was fine. I really got to know myself and understand what I really wanted from life. I’m now married to the most wonderful man who truly loves me, treats me with respect and supports me as an equal and we have a brilliant life.

@ThisJadeBear thank you yes I need to block them off social too easy too look. I mean she’s not much better herself her children live with her mother and she is a drinker too so really they suits. He does have a chaotic life in and out of jobs houses etc and yeah I think the relationship is convenience she has no family or friends around here and he’s fell out with everyone.

@nochance17 sorry I should of said he only lasted living with her for 3 months before he walked out she wouldn’t allow him back in so he had to get own flat but at beginning he actually said he was moving in as made financial sense. He has lived on his own 5 months now but on and off with her and the kids no longer see her as they were attempting to give it another go without living together and no children involved

@S0j0urn4r thank you yes I best block them to find some peace

@CocoaTea yes good advice I will try to remove myself from him and keep it seperate to be honest I think in some ways over it just can’t believe he done it and hopefully I will end up happier

@PoppinjayPolly sorry should of elaborated she only seen him on his phone swiping at different girls whilst he was sitting next to her on sofa

@MachineBee thanks she just seen him on his phone on dating app and told me. Yeah I would much rather be with someone for love and happiness not convenience and money it’s not deep grounded stable love and the more he keeps telling me she makes him happy but when it ends he can go on dating websites means more he can’t be alone and needs someone where as I’ve learnt to enjoy my time on own

@YouCanYouWill sorry should of elaborated she only seen him on his phone swiping at different girls whilst he was sitting next to her on sofa
how absolutely grim and vile of him!!! Celebrate your freedom indeed!

He's sailed into a new life alright, but not one you want to be a part of. He's now alcohol dependent, unemployed, moving in swiftly because it's cheaper, in an unstable stop/start relationship... It's a pity your child has to be a part of it, but there's nothing for you to miss. In time you'll realise this, so for now, give yourself grace. Soon you'll barely think of him.