Regretting our move back to Australia after returning to the UK

[Mamainaus]

I am originally from the UK. I moved to Australia in 2019 on a work holiday Visa on a bit of a whim. I’d quit my job in London the year before when my older brother passed away and I just wanted to do something for myself after quite a stressful time. I thought it would just be fun. Do a bit of travelling and come home however I ended up meeting my now partner of seven years and didn’t come home. I ended up pregnant in 2022 with our first I was due in April 2023 and two weeks before my due date my mum suddenly died of a haemorrhagic stroke. It was absolutely devastating. My baby came a month after she died. It was a very strange time navigating the grief of losing her and bringing up my first baby without my mum. I should add here she was in the UK and I was in Australia so I didn’t get to say goodbye.

My partner has a British passport through his dad and when my first was nine months (after visiting my Dad), we actually decided that we would make the move to the UK. I couldn’t quite believe it because I never thought he would do it and although in my heart of hearts I’d wanted to move back I didn’t think it would happen so I’d put it to the back of my mind and decided I’d be happy in Australia and on the Gold Coast where we were living. Sidenote though I wasn’t truly happy there.

After visiting my dad, I found out I was pregnant with our second. So that made the decision final we were 100% moving. We moved in April 2024 and actually flew on my first borns first birthday. We were living next door to my dad in the UK. He had a large plot of land around 8 acres in Suffolk and had two small cottages. They were small but cozy and I have to say I absolutely did love being back. I honestly didn’t miss Australia for a second. A lot happened in the year that we went back we lost our family dog who was very old. I gave birth to our second baby in the October. Lost my horse. And my partner and I then lost our beloved French bulldog who we had brought over along with his sister from Australia. So needless to say There was a lot going on emotionally.

To cut a long story short, my partner ended up absolutely hating it. He became quite unstable and our relationship was tested to its absolute limits. I ended up panicking and just saying well if you’re not going to be happy here then maybe we should just move back and he of course jumped at that opportunity. My dad not wanting to stay on his own in the UK decided to sell his property. The property that he and my late mum had owned for 20 years, with the view to help us out buying a property in Australia where he would also live in a granny flat.

I started getting doubt about moving but my partner got a business opportunity in Aus that was very hard to pass up. That solidified our decision and kind of fast tracked it too. So fast forward to September 2025 and we were already back in Australia. We moved into an Airbnb for a few weeks and then rented for six months just outside of Sydney. Once my dad had sold his property we were able to look for our home to buy and found a beautiful house on the central coast of Australia where are my partner’s brother and obviously my sister-in-law also live with their children. However, since coming back the problems in my relationship have remained, my partner is now on antidepressants so of course I wonder if he have taken them in the UK. Would things have been better/different? Did I really have to move?

We now have two toddlers as well so first born is just three and the second one is 19 months they are gorgeous kids but of course it’s been challenging with so many moves in such a short space of time and also not having a lot of family support. My dad does his absolute best though! I guess I’m here writing this because I cannot shake the feeling I made a terrible mistake. I miss the UK daily which may sound mad to some, but I miss the countryside so much and I so wanted my kids to have that experience growing up. Australia just isn’t the same. I feel low a lot of the time and I think most of it is because of the transition even though the UK was hard at times I felt very at peace and content there whereas here I don’t feel that, and I fear I won’t ever.

Not sure what I’m looking for, really. Please no harsh comments because I have been through enough and I guess I’m just looking for advice and maybe if anyone has been through something similar. Thoughts are most welcome.

I didn't like living in Australia and I'm glad I left.

Could you , Dad, children move back to the UK?

Edit to say I'm really sorry about all the trauma you've been through

Honestly, you need to give it more time. It took me about 5-6 years in Australia before I felt settled, moving back and forth really does you no favours. I think you’ll become much more settled when your children start school and you become a part of that community. No way I’d move back now. And by the way, the Central Coast of NSW is absolutely beautiful.

I was born in Australia and lived there until I was 10. Family then moved around the world a lot, due to my father's work (not military). When I was 12 we moved back to Australia - it was an elaborate plan by my father to dump us there while he remained in the UK, which went wrong for him at the literal last minute and he had to come with us. My mother found out about his little plan straight away and stayed with him (that's another thread in itself)...18 hellish months later we were back in the UK. I got married at 21, divorced at 24 and moved myself, my mother and younger brother back to Australia. Realised virtually straight away I'd made a massive mistake, had a nervous breakdown, tried to un-alive myself and ended up back in the UK, penniless and homeless, a year later.

That was 32 years ago and I've been in the UK ever since. I do miss Australia, but not enough to live there. Having the distance between myself and my narc mother is essential for my mental health.

All I can suggest is giving it at least a year before you make any further decisions. You've moved back and forth between the two in the last two years. You need time to really stop and think. My parents caused a lot of stress and disruption to myself and my two brothers by the constant moving...it wrecked our education and both my brothers ended up with serious health problems, which they are still dealing with to this day.

At what point are the children habitually resident in Australia? Am just wondering if you’d be able to split and return to the UK with the children or if it’s not possible now.

Firstly it sounds like you've been through an absolute avalanche of loss and grief and I'm so sorry 😞. Living with a depressed partner is also horribly difficult.

I'm someone who comes from a migrant family where I moved around a lot, and I've also lived in Australia for a while. I think it's just so, so far away that it creates a feeling of almost being on another planet.

I personally felt fine with these massive changes when I was young, but as I got older I find it more difficult. For you it's more than being like an expat - I think you feel like you've uprooted your roots and your kids roots. It can be very jarring.

I don't have advice, as I suspect you need to examine it all more, but I feel so much empathy for you. I think you felt 'home' and now you don't.

I know that feeling well.

Homesickness is absolutely debilitating. I’m so sorry you’ve been through so many changes recently. What would make you happy, right now, if you could wave a magic wand?

Boomerang poms. I think you’ve got to suck it up now. You can’t keep asking family to drop everything because you miss the green fields! Just get on with it. Your dad is old and it’s not fair on him!

What did your partner dislike about living in the UK? What are the issues with your partner now?

You sound deeply unhappy. I’d worry that would not be changed by moving.

The standard of living in Australia is better. The UK is more than bucolic countryside. I sympathise, you sound miserable. But I’d worry you’d make the move and hate it here too.

You really have been through such huge changes and many losses op. I am very sorry for the loss of your mum just before giving birth. And for the loss of your brother. And your animals. That’s all incredibly hard.

All of this cumulative bereavement would have been hard for anyone to navigate, never mind through two pregnancies and births and two major international house moves, so I think you need to give yourself some credit that you are stronger than you think.

Obviously, the key stone holding up all of this is your relationship. And if that is not right then the location won’t be right either, wherever you live.

I don’t know what to suggest op. All I would say is that the decision that your dad should sell up and move with you to Australia seems to have been made quite hastily. Especially given that your relationship with your partner was quite rocky at the time.

Have you grieved properly do you think or could you be avoiding grief with these hasty moves?

I was going to say that you need to think really carefully now about what you really want. You tried to be helpful to your partner by moving back to Oz the second time, but it hasn’t helped him. So the last thing you want to do now is make another hasty decision. Or a decision for others that ignores your own needs.

Having said that, your dad has sold his properties for you! So you can’t just decide unilaterally. What is possible pragmatically speaking? Can you and your dad afford to move back to the UK? If you did move back now, could you afford to live somewhere decent given you will be a single parent plus your dad? And obviously all of this depends on it being legally possible for you to remove your dc so far away from their father?

As a distant observer looking in, I would say your best bet might be to try and settle in Oz and make a go of it there? I wouldn’t rule it out anyway. Maybe take some advice from a lawyer? The UK isn’t in that great a state atm. I think you need to focus now on what is best for them? Also, the health care might be better in Oz if your dad is getting on in age? Of course, happy mum = happy babies so you also need to be at peace with the decision.

Sorry none of that is much help Op, but maybe some of the questions might help you sort through a few of the issues?

Overall I would say, maybe book a few counselling sessions to sort out your decisions about your marriage and decide whether you need grief counselling or not?

Research what is possible financially and legally, And take your time and breathe! Your dc are at a very young age and have plenty of time yet to adapt to a new life! There is no need to rush.

Good luck 💐

I am sorry for the losses you have been through grief can feel can only imagine how you have coped with this, 2 young kids and massive international moves.
Is your dad settled? How would you feel ahout Australia if you weren't with your partner? I moved a few times and struggled to settle - but once single I felt a massive weight lifted and easier to settle and make friends

It’s to be expected that you feel unmoored, especially as your relationship is rocky. I think the move back will turn out to be the right thing. The UK has it’s perks but with Reform etc becoming a big thing, the decline of infrastructure and public services, and then economy it’s not the best place to be.

@Mamainaus so sorry to read about all you’ve been through during the last few years. That would test anyone. You’re still grieving for your older brother and your mum as well as your pets. I think in a way you’re also grieving for the UK as possibly you feel closer to your lost loved ones by being there? Are you also missing UK based other siblings or close friends perhaps? I think you need to give Australia more time as another poster suggested, you will feel more settled and part of a community once your children start school. Moving back will not automatically solve how you feel as without realising it you’re most likely reminiscing and looking at the UK through rose coloured glasses. The move could even make you feel more unsettled if it doesn’t live up to your expectations which could lead to a nomadic existence of moving every few years. You really don’t want that type of lifestyle for your children or anyone else in your family. Don’t rush into making any major decisions. Think about all the possibilities and talk about it calmly out loud with your DH and father. Remember to be kind to yourself…

I understand how you feel, time will improve how you feel about living in Australia but that doesn't mean you feel happy about it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

My old hairdresser moved to Victoria. Had house with pool but relatives died when she lived there and she felt like OP felt devastated as she wasn’t in UK for them. Her husband wanted the Aus life. She gave it 10 years and is now back in London.

Look at the fb group 'ping pong poms' on Facebook- every day theres 5 or so similar stories posted about people experiencing the same x

Of course it depends on what you dislike about living in Australia but as someone who has lived in different countries Op, do not underestimate the increased “rooted” feeling you get by following your dc through a local school system and the strong friendships you make with other mothers along the way, You will find your niche op!

Also a strong yearning for home is bound to be exacerbated by a series of bereavements 💐💐💐💐

Six months, according to The Hague Convention. So she now cannot legally move back and take the children without her partner’s agreement.

OP I do wonder how much of this is your dissatisfaction with your life, problems in the relationship, the difficulty and demands of parenting small children, and grieving your mother — not actually about where you live.

You really need to give it a chance and a few years. And by that, I mean don’t just wait it out. Actually make an effort to integrate into the community (small kids are a good way to create a network and make friends). Spend time doing things you enjoy.

You also need to consider and accept the fact that whether or not you stay with your partner, you can’t move back to the UK with your children if he does not agree.

I feel for you OP but honestly I think you need to make peace with this now. I grew up on the central coast but with British parents. Now that I’m a parent in the UK, I honestly think life with young children is fundamentally the same wherever you are. And you are in the trenches. It’s hard because you have two under three. The most important is you have your Dad and in laws nearby. You will make a couple of close friends and then you will feel settled. Good luck.