Dating for two months, both divorced and both healing.

[itsatrappe]

Both fifties with teens and adult children. Home owners, full time employees, close family and friend relationships, shared and individual hobbies.
We met in the wild, clicked and are enjoying seeing one another once or twice per week due to distance; an hour drive to each others homes and no interest in meeting kids yet.
My husband had affairs and was generally a useless husband and father. He has no relationship with our kids .. his and their choice.
My boyfriend left with his adult/ teen kids as his wife was an active alcoholic for many years who has/ had no interest in trying to stop. She is dying. His children have no relationship with her, one has significant mental health issues as a result ( acc to professional medics)
It’s none of my business and I am trying to enjoy what’s right in front of me but I find myself thinking about his ex wife and feeling deeply saddened for her.
she has lost everything she had lived and now she is actively dying. He will always love her and feels so sad also but then he is quite pragmatic too. He’s 100% supported by his and her family, his children and all their mutual friends and professional team and in moments when f guilt and sadness, is reassured that he did 100# the right thing for his children, his own self and their futures
.
I find myself wondering why a successful, committed mother and wife who I’ve been told loved marriage and family life could so sadly slide into chronic addiction despite all the supports, love, stints in rehab.
Some people who know her speak badly of her because of her dangerous actions when under the influence but there must have been a reason for the level of drinking.
Sometimes I wonder if it was his fault but then her own family and siblings don’t speak
to her anymore either and she has lost all of her friends too.
I find it very sad.

You think her addiction was his fault? Or he could have loved her out of addiction?

It's pretty obvious you don't know what you're dealing with when it comes to addiction so let this guy go if you've got those kind of attitudes. You're judging him out of ignorance.

I think the addiction, and damage done to all the relationships is done before the death sentence. She will have been abusive to everyone she knew. Violence and mental abuse possibly to her husband and kids. Not just years but daily. Probably guilty as hell when sober and spent her time apologising to them. Possibly not even remembering what was said and done. Till the next time. Its spiralling downwards stair case.

Give the poor guy a break, this probably too years of living with it, then finally breaking free. Love him if you do and just enjoy your time together ❤️.

Have a look at the alcohol support threads on here, OP. That's how I developed an understanding of how it affects the addicts and those around them.

It sounds like you're taking things slowly - that's good, I think, if you feel you're both healing. And you say you're not talking to him about all this - also good.

Thanks. We are both healing and taking things very slowly. I suspect that there will be a lot of sadness down the way so I want to build slowly and strong. We have great fun and enjoy life and freedom of our free time but our children despite their ages are our main priority for obvious reasons.

Maybe educate yourself before assigning blame to the poor man. I’m struggling to believe this is real.

If you went to an AA meeting you would understand alcoholics are from every background. But the one thing that is universal is that alcohol abuse usually starts as a result of trauma, and it often comes from childhood.
This lady was probably on the road to it, without knowing, when she met this man.
And she could have been the life and soul, the funny drunk, the hilarious friend, but then slowly the decline sets in.
Alcoholics in active addiction are so destructive, and they cannot be changed.
One of my closest friends, one of the brightest, most ambitious women I know, is currently drinking herself to death. She has lost everything - her career, her home, and her loved ones. I had to give up recently due to abusive calls and messages. I have known her since we were kids and her most recent delight is ringing up friends’ partners and telling them things they don’t need to know from the past. She knew something about me I’d hate for my other half to know, but I had to tell him.
Drink is now all this lady in your orbit cares about. It matters more than her children, or her own life.
Nobody can help her now, and they can’t. This man has to care for his children.
If you want to be around this man then know there is a storm brewing. An alcoholic’s demise is traumatic for everyone involved.
Maybe do some research and find out more about it.
It is a terrible disease.

You didn’t offend me

but till someone has lived with an addict you just can’t understand how hard it is

I really appreciate your explanation . My boyfriend’s ex wife has said some truly awful things to her children. Words that will undoubtedly be etched forever. She has told them that she is happier as an alcoholic than she is a mother. I suspect she didn’t know what she
was saying. I find it all hard to believe at times.

I wouldn’t excuse her that fast. In my experience alcoholics mean exactly what they say, no matter how unpleasant it is. It’s just easier to believe that they don’t mean it than that they do, and frankly, that’s one of the mistakes that keeps you stuck in a relationship with an addict for far too long.

Yep. They say you speak the truth when drunk

How can you make these wild ridiculous statements when you have absolutely zero idea about alcoholism?

I'd gather some information about the subject before you get involved with virtue signalling about your boyfriends ex

and yet you are divorced and your children have no relationship with their father. Following your logic you have abandoned him too. Are his affairs and his poor treatment of your children your fault? Should you not be by his side till the bitter end no matter how his behavior hurts you?

Trauma does not cause alcoholism, but it can provide a fertile field for the seeds of alcoholism to grow.

And my god an active alcoholic will use that trauma as an excuse to keep drinking!

Addiction is a progressive, fatal disease without a cure. We don't know the cause, although it's suspected there is a genetic link. What we do know is that alcoholics have less and less control over their drinking as time goes on, and that the disease can only be arrested by complete abstinence.

It's only through the lens of my 4yrs sobriety that I can see clearly how all of my words and actions when drinking were chosen with one aim - to keep drinking.

I said awful things to my son, things I absolutely didn't mean - why? Because I wanted him to leave me alone so I could drink, even if I drank myself to death.

Love cannot conquer addiction. Those close to the alcoholic can only protect themselves. This man did the only thing a responsible father could do - remove himself and his kids from the fallout zone.

I suggest you wander over to the alcohol support board and read some of the threads by those who are living with, or lived with partners dependent on alcohol.

My Dad died pissed up & alone due to alcoholism. He had 4 children, who didn't speak to him & several grandchildren he never met, because the lure of alcohol was greater than his feelings for anyone & anything else. Neighbours reported they hadn't seen him making his usual booze run for a few days, police broke in & found him dead in bed. I'd imagine it's a miserable way to go, but it's the life he ultimately chose. It's been many years now & I genuinely don't think my reaction to his death was healthy, but he's not missed, as he was not part of my life to be missed. It's a sad state of affairs, but addiction makes no sense, knows no bounds & unfortunately takes no prisoners. I feel for the children, because I've been there. We did arrange a basic cremation as I genuinely couldn't bare the thought of him going into a paupers grave, despite everything, but his ashes were scattered in the crematorium garden & there were less than 10 people present, which considering he was the eldest of 6 children, tells you everything. 1 of his sisters came with his Mom, 3 of his 4 children then the last couple of people were literally only there to support us children. I wish you & all those involved all the best, as it really is a tough thing to deal with, no matter the distance in the relationships. Sending unmumsnetty hugs x

Watch out for covert narcissist!

There is a good book by Gabor Mate on addiction. often trauma is the root. It’s a long story b it I when I have unprocessed trauma from childhood and lost everything when j went into psychosis seemingly out of the blue at 44. It nearly killed me. I wa highly successful before that.

it can happen to anybody. I have a friend who is a vicar who has a beautiful beautiful wife. She became an award winning writer. She became an alcoholic and drowned leaving toe young children. When I met her before her slide into that state she was a radiant bundle of joy and beauty.