Will it end what's left of friendship if I don't go to her wedding?

[beeble347]

Sorry for length. Context I'm also being assessed for AuDHD (rest of my family all diagnosed) and I have always found some social expectations or things not being made explicit confusing.

Two friends and I got close in an old job we started almost a decade ago. Friend 1 left job first, I left during COVID. Friend 2 left a bit later but moved cities after COVID. I then moved to a different city almost 3 years ago after my wedding which both friends came to.

Since then, it's been the odd group chat message but I know Friend 2 has a stronger/warmer relationship with both of us than Friend 1 and I seem to have with each other. Friend 1 and I even lived together for about 6 months while working together, no issue, she moved in with her now fiance.

Most times I've seen Friend 1 more or less since COVID, I've had the sense something is off. When I went to her birthday a few years ago, I was engaged but didn't mention it apart from one moment the whole evening when Friend 2 asked me about it. Friend 1 came up right as I was briefly talking wedding planning and suddenly looked visibly almost upset but acting like she was fine. She was in a strong relationship to her now-fiance. Later that evening I was chatting to her live in boyfriend (now fiance), asked him about her birthday plans and he said "I always tell her if I'm not sure what to get her, I can always propose" then looked at me quite pointedly. I said something like ah yes always got that one up your sleeve! But it seemed like something they'd spoken about or that he wanted to make the point they could get married... Of course? And happy for them whenever they were ready?

Her more recent birthday couple years ago we drove down and had to rent a car to do so. She seemed like she didn't really want to chat much to either me or DH.

I've had a baby since then and even though she asked after him when he was born, since then she's basically ignored a good number of messages of mine in the group chat or to her individually, ignored photos of my son - I've only sent a couple as it did hurt to have them totally ignored. She's responded when I've asked how wedding planning is going or her job but doesn't ask me any questions. She messaged me individually last year to ask if I was going to Friend 2's baby shower and I said I couldn't make it (very young baby hating the car seat and a 4h drive each way), I'd love a life update and then no reply from her. Then again very recently to check my name for her wedding invites, we managed a little chat about name changes after getting married and that's it.

Anyway I would like to go to friend's wedding, I don't have an issue with her and sometimes I think I'm reading into things and she's just busy and we've drifted but not a reason to cut her off or not make an effort myself. Having seen the invite, it's on a term time weekday (I'm a teacher - but can get one day off in a year if I then cover colleagues for equivalent time) and no kids, different city to us as well now we've moved away. My DH did say I could go for a while and he could have our son nearby if we travel down together but I feel like she doesn't even want me there - then why invite me? I really don't understand. Friend 2 is also a bridesmaid and Friend 1 has visited her and her baby recently but doesn't ask after mine which has hurt somewhat.

I think she doesn't really want me there but feels obligated to invite me, so I should not go? The only person I'll know there anyway is Friend 2 so not that appealing to go on my own. Or is it incredibly rude and friendship ending for me not to go?

I would just say you have to put in a request for the day off and then says it’s not been approved.

Invite is not a summons. Really up to you. Friendship has fizzled out imo

Agree with @UpDownAllAround1, your friendship has fizzled out.

She was upset when you didn’t share you’d got engaged but had managed to tell the other friend, and now feels compelled to remain civil for the other friend’s sake.

Let this friendship go. Say you can’t get time off due to work but wish her well.

Nothing here says why you feel she doesn’t want you at her wedding, if she didn’t she’d not invite you. Yoire not mandatory.

if you just don’t want to go and feel resentful don’t. Yes the friendship would like end due to it.

I would not attend, thus friendship has indeed fizzled out.

Yes it's not really a friendship now is it? It's just maintaining an outward appearance of friendship for old times sake.

I think pp's suggestion of using not being able to get time off work as an excuse is a good one. I'm usually a bluntly honest person but I do think in this case it would be kinder to do this. And actually you might require the One day off exception for something for a lot more important and pressing eventuality than this wedding.

I don’t think she’s actively chosen the date etc to deliberately exclude you - that would he insane and she would have to really hate you to do that (and if she hates you she wouldn’t then invite you). But you aren’t important enough to her for her to have considered your availability when choosing a wedding date. I know when my husband and I chose ours, before booking we checked with key people that they could make it and only then did we book it.

I think the suggestion above telling her your leave was denied is ok under the circumstances.

Oh sorry just to clarify, I told them about getting engaged at the same time. Would never spring that on someone's birthday! Very me me. I just didn't mention anything wedding related because I had other things to catch up with friends about, she came over at the one point in the evening when Friend 2 had asked how it was going and I wondered if it looked like it was all I had to talk about.

Yeah that's completely fine, I didn't think she'd done it personally at all. I know we had a lot of things to juggle when we were picking our date, it's not easy!

I thought of just declining, saying really sorry we can't make it, it's term time (is it rude to even give that as a reason? I wasn't sure. Or is no reason ruder?) and hope to catch up another point this year, you're always welcome up here. And just leave it at that? I don't think she's done anything wrong I just find it really hard to tell if she'd actually want me there if I did go, or be relieved if I didn't

That's very true. And it's not a widely known thing, it's a specific benefit within my school so I prob don't even need to mention it?

I actually would like to go but not if it's something she wouldn't want me at really. And in any case I don't think I actually can, it would be if I was able to get the time off approved, go for a short time and husband and toddler hang about nearby. I know I'm not mandatory and invitation is not a summons and all that

I would assume you are wanted there because you have been invited. The date/ location won't have been chosen with you in mind at all but if you can't make it I don't think it's something that will end a friendship either.

It does sound like the friendship is waning. Do you care enough to make the ongoing effort to main/ try to rekindle it or are you happy to let it fade? If you're not that bothered then it sounds like it will fade out anyway so I'd skip the wedding, save the time off/ effort and let it fade now.

On the other hand, if you miss her, want to try and maintain or improve the friendship then give her a call to arrange a catch up call or meet up (not just a WhatsApp exchange), go to the wedding if you can get time off and let her know she is important.

You are placing a lot of emphasis on her feelings - what about yours?
Drop the rope. This is someone you worked with a long time ago.
You can still be friendly with Friend 2.
Send Friend 1 a lovely wedding card - and gift if you like - and leave it there.
I have learned that in life there are seasons - times in groups, workplaces, friendships and you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever met.
It is nothing personal to them or to you.
It seems human nature - and I’ve been there - to chase people we are unsure of.
Channel your energies into the people you are sure of. You already have your own lovely family, career and busy life.

Dont waste your time, money or effort to go. The friendship clearly isnt what is was. Shes probably invited you thinking you couldn't get time off as a teacher.
Id just politely decline and your already poor friendship is likely to fizzle out

You're right, WhatsApp probably isn't enough of an effort but then it feels like even that isn't being reciprocated. Like she'll respond to questions I've asked her about the wedding, her job but she doesn't ask them back to me at all. But then posts on the group chat to both of us when she could just message Friend 2 alone?

And I have had some pretty big life changes since I moved away, my mum died which I haven't even spoke about with her as we haven't caught up properly at all, having a baby is a huge change which I wouldn't expect anyone who's not done it to understand. It's a kind approach and a good suggestion, definitely given me something to think about but then as PP have said would I just be chasing her?

Thank you, I do definitely feel grateful for what I've got going on. Always makes me sad to lose people even when it fizzles tbh, I need to get to grips with the idea of seasons of friendships.

I definitely wouldn't want any fallout especially for Friend 2 and I also don't think Friend 1 has done anything wrong, just not kept up in the same way. Part of me also thinks because she's a few years younger and I've done the full-on wedding planning at the same time as moving cities and jobs, then baby etc, sometimes it's hard for people to imagine how those things can take over your life when you've also already got a busy job. So I thought she might understand a little more now she's doing it, but still don't think she's got an issue with me other than drifting. Who's to know.

I will send her a nice card and wish all the best and I think suggest meeting up at some point so she can pursue that if she wants or just let it drop.

Quite possibly yeah. I know it obv wasn't planned around me at all as weddings aren't (!) but I realised I have to RSVP really soon anyway and the wedding is not until next academic year so no way I could confirm that I'd be allowed time off for it anyway, I couldn't even put the request in until the next year. Prob for the best but at least it's an understandable reason.

It's no longer a friendship. Use the job as an excuse and not go. Protect your energy by not wasting it on dead friendships.

often the things we think other people are annoyed about they don t even remember, it might be something else entirely.

I’ve had friends who have fallen out and hearing both sides is hearing two completely different stories

if you want to go then go, if you don’t then send a card and present and wish them a happy marriage.

Don’t go - it is completely normal for teachers to not go to week day things. It’s unusual for them to, usually only funerals for close family members!

I'm surprised at these responses.
Unless she or her fiancé are properly wealthy she absolutely wants you there. Weddings are too expensive for duty invites.

You are old work colleagues, not best lifelong friends. I think you are overthinking all of this and reading too much into everything. It’s not that she doesn’t like you or want you at her wedding. You are simply the sorts of old friends who occasionally keep in touch via a group chat and nothing more. This is fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sure she’d love you at her wedding, hence why she invited you. But no way would I be going to a term time weekday childfree wedding. Just say thanks for the invite. So sorry I can’t get off during the week. Send a present and compliment the photos when you see them. I have plenty of friends who couldn’t make it to my wedding for various reasons. It wasn’t friendship ending. We still keep in touch. I totally understand that not everyone can take a week off to travel to my wedding (which was in the country where I lived, but abroad for them). Totally fine. Didn’t think anything of it really.

You have a good reason not to go. No one would expect a teacher to be able to get a day off.
I have been invited to weddings because people clearly feel like they have to invite us for whatever reason, I’ve then had no relationship with them going forward.
i think if you aren’t seeing her and don’t have an ongoing relationship, going to the wedding isn’t going to make any difference.

Thank you, that's very reasonable. I do feel sad as we used to be really close and as I mentioned even lived together at one point, but I do get people drift. You're right though, I didn't want it to look personal if I didn't go but don't think I actually can and I'll decline by wishing all the best and liking the photos

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. Most of the other stuff can be excused as being busy and not that close but if she hasn’t been in touch with you about your mum dying, then that’s quite unforgivable. It does sound quite one sided from what you say, although granted she will have her own version of events. But I absolutely don’t think it’s unreasonable for you not to go to the wedding because you are a teacher and it’s in term time.