Advice re a longstanding friendship

[hurtandconflicted]

Hi all I have not been on this thread for a while but recently something happened that made me realise the impact of the humiliation trauma I suffered as a child and how it is still affecting me now and need some advice. I was the family scapegoat and told often that I was the problem, selfish, lazy etc my appearance used against me. Mum died 20 years ago.
Over a year ago I was out with friends and my daughter (it was her 18). A friend of over 30 years was with me chatting and I said something that annoyed her, her response was to shout out to a group of people behind us (who I didn’t know) something personal and very private about me, a physical aspect of me that is invisible to others. This thing is known in my group and we have joked about it in the past which I didn’t mind as the group felt safe. This time it was clearly done to humiliate and demean me.
It sent me into a bit of a shame spiral and I went to speak to her several days later to let her know how much she hurt me and she apologised. We as a group had a trip booked and I dropped out, I couldn’t face it, but we agreed to meet up just the two of us to try and repair the relationship. We have done this a few times and all seemed good. Then we had a meet up of the group and there was a real shift in energy that I detected, probably because I was hyper vigalent and I get the sense that I have been the topic of conversation.
Anyway on the group chat they have been arranging a night out and I just couldn’t face it and basically ignored the posts so individually people have been trying to contact me. I just want to leave the group and it’s making me really anxious. Thinking that perhaps I respond to one and say that I’m done, but do I need to explain? I don’t want to hurt anyone else and realise that this is probably a me problem.

I’m sorry you’ve had this experience.

her response was to shout out to a group of people behind us (who I didn’t know) something personal and very private about me, a physical aspect of me that is invisible to others.

You should have just ended the friendship at this point, I think.

Yes on reflection I probably should have done this. But I thought perhaps I could get over it but is seems I can’t and it’s making me feel awful and in a strange way guilty that I am in someways affecting the whole group.

I sounds like hanging out with this group isn’t working for you anymore. Maybe just hang out with some of them as individuals.

You’ve been betrayed and humiliated by a ‘friend’ of 30 years so I don’t think you can minimise the deep effect that has had on you. I would have been so shocked and devastated.
Your ‘friend’ definitely needs to be dumped. As for the rest of the group, how did they react at the time - were they shocked too? Are there some you can continue to see individually?

Just skip group meet-ups for a bit until all this has settled? It seems excessive for you to leave a valued friendship group because of one person’s cruel behaviour, especially if you’ve repaired thing with the individual.

(I must say I’m struggling to envisage an adult shouting about the hidden disability or difference of a longtime friend of hers to a random group of strangers because the friend had said something that irritated her — was she drunk? Quite apart from being immensely cruel, it seems like such a childish thing to do…?)

Thank you for not making me feel as if I overreacted. The person who made the comment is in effect the Queen Bee type and this is why I think I need to leave the group, but don’t want them speculating about the reasons why. I need to text one something but struggling to articulate why.

I would say I’m leaving the group chat as I need some space.

and she’s not your friend.

I think the person who, in response to being annoyed by something you said, turned to a group of strangers and told them something private about you that you had told her in the safety of the group, is no friend. And while I know it's easier said than done when confronted with a bully, for fear of being the next target, the other members of the group should have called her out on it.

I took would feel like you and not be comfortable within that group again. Very sorry this has happened.

Just as an aside - your daughter was there - what is her opinion?

But surely, if there’s been talk since it happened, it will be the others being shocked and disgusted by what she did, and taking her to task, or at least saying they’re glad she apologised to you?

I mean, I’m not surprised you’re hypervigilant now (at some level, you’re thinking ‘Is whatever I’m about to say going to trigger a recurrence?’) but surely that will settle over time.

@pilatesthe thing is that in the past she has been a really good friend, supportive and kind and I guess this is why I feel guilty. If she had been a shit friend throughout then I wouldn’t be struggling with this now.

I wonder if your difficult childhood and home life means that you have normalised some really toxic behaviour from your friends. This is not a normal way for a group of adults friends to behave and most people would have dumped them years ago.

@Uniaccommshe was upset for me, she didn’t actually hear it, no one did. I didn’t call her out at the time and just went into freeze mode. When I explained to my daughter what happened she was angry for me and I really want her to not accept this kind of thing from her friends so I need to be a good role model for her.

@WhatNoRaisinsi do see this in myself and it’s something I am trying to work on. I think the experiences in childhood really did a number on me!

Was it just you and the not friend then? Why on earth did she shout it out in a busy place to strangers? The fact she waited till no one in your group would hear but the strangers would is quite calculated!

@PoppinjayPollythere were 3 of us there, the other friend was distracted and didn’t hear it. She was annoyed after I had complimented her on something (trying not to be outing) and it exposed something. It really wasn’t anything nasty or mean, just she didn’t like it.

@PoppinjayPollyand yes on reflection it was very calculated to do maximum harm!

Your friend is not nice. I can't imagine any of my friends doing something like that. If I was you I'd either leave the group chat, or mute and archive it. You don't even need to explain yourself. If you want to say something, just say you need some space at the moment and leave it at that.

Its horrible when friends do something that hurts, and the feeling of shame, humiliation, sadness and anger are all valid.

I can empathise as an ex friend of mine shamed and humiliated me in front of others. It was something I couldn't come back from. In the moment I just acted cool, calm and collected. I hate confrontation and conflict, my other friend openly gasped at what my ex friend said.

I messaged her that I needed some time and space from the friendship and I would contact her when I was ready.

The ending of the friendship was a bit messy and I won't go into it, however, when I was on a break with her I realised that she didn't truly care about me, it was all about her.

She was actually very jealous and had no self awareness, everything was about her and her problems, I realised that I could breathe again without her "friendship," i realised how controlling she was. I felt peaceful and calm without her friendship, I had less stress without her friendship, she was definitely an energy vampire.

We'd been friends for around 15 years, and I was sad that it came to this, but I had to protect my mental health.

Looking back am I sad it ended? No! The friendship had run is course and the whole friendship from beginning to end taught me lots of things about life, some good, some bad.