Will the heartbreak get easier to deal with?

[Confuzzzled]

Hi all. Bit of back story, me and DP were together 10 years, had DS almost 3 years ago. We were happy and stable but that changed when we had DS. As it does with a lot of couples, becoming new parents tested us. But when DS was 9 months old we separated and I moved out. Months later I ended up moving back home as DP said he was sorry for not supporting me enough etc. But we're now back in the same position and have split for good this time.

We basically fell out over absolutely everything. Totally different views on every topic that came up in conversation. We were a prime example of 'growing apart'. My friends and family all think I've done the right thing in ending things because he's been so dismissive of me and everyone has noticed how I have 'shrunk' myself over time. I couldn't tell him anything that was on my mind because that was me 'moaning'. Couldn't even say I feel ill because I'd have 'arent you always'. I suffer with migraines and he said 'I don't want to be your carer, I feel like your health is gonna stop us doing things and going on holidays'. I went through postpartum anxiety and that involved a lot of health anxiety as a few things happened after having DS, nothing major but definitely gave me anxiety. He then started to say 'well if something is genuine I'll have sympathy for you'. But he always determined what he deemed to be 'genuine'. We would have arguments, then I'd bring something up and he'd say he never said it and I made it up.

I did 6 months of therapy because I genuinely thought something was wrong with me, but I came out of it realising my nervous system was just shot by being around someone who doesn't make me feel safe anymore. Who makes me feel judged and not heard. It was always 'just be happy stop complaining'. I asked for more care, more affection, and got met with 'stop complaining'. He basically wanted me to shut up and do as I'm told.

I'm 31 and we got together when I was 20. I guess I'm feeling lost now and about to move out of our home (he's bought me out of ours). And I am feeling bewildered 😂 I guess the point of the post it, do things get easier? Getting over the heartbreak, co parenting, losing that family image you had in your head. Losing time with your child is not something you envisage when you have a kid and I'm gutted about it, but he has a great relationship with his dad.

I always have a voice in my head saying 'you could have made it work' but the only way that would have happened is by keeping my mouth shut and shrinking myself even more and never speaking my mind. Because that's essentially what he wanted from me.

I hope this gets easier. Our DS is autistic and I'm so nervous of what all the change will feel like for him, just feeling gutted and scared.

I’m sorry you went through this. But honestly this will be the best thing that ever happened to you apart from your baby.

you deserve joy and to be loved. Don’t ever diminish yourself for a man. Well done. Some people wouldn’t have your guts.

mourn the relationship and start living your life on your own terms.

My goodness. I dont think this sounds like growing apart. I think that he just sounds like a selfish, uncaring and pretty cold person. I think it sounds like he was loving and fun until others needs came first, like your baby or you.

Having health anxiety is horrible. I'm sorry he didn't give you the kindness and support you definitely deserve. It is very much 'genuine!'

So you can have a view of what it should be like, I'll tell you about my own health anxiety. I've had it a few times when I've been really stressed. It's usually triggered by a real illness and I just panic. It can last minutes or weeks.

My DH is honestly not Mr Feelings who's in touch with any of this stuff, but if I have an episode he actually can't stand being away from me because if I'm not okay - for any reason - he wants me to feel better and look after me.

This is normal, loving, care. I'm really sorry your knob head husband is too selfish to support you. You're a newish mum and it's a massive transition. Scary in a lot of ways too - plus sleep patterns change, there's more isolation. It's a big deal for women.

What your grieving sounds like the idea of the family and the dream of the loving husband. Of course you want that. It's a big loss to realise he's not the person you need him to be.

But yes, you do get over it. Surprisingly quickly when you leave someone you know isn't right.

Yes you will get over the heartbreak but it takes time so be kind to yourself. You did everything you could to make it work, but it takes two to make a relationship work and you can't do it alone. At the end of the day, your partner should be the person who is kind, looks after you when you're ill or low in yourself (especially post partum) and he wasn't. He couldn't step up and support you when you needed it so you've done the right thing. Try not to look into the future and worry, just take things a day at a time. You will get there 💐