TW: lightly touched on Self H, S*dal ideation and Eating Disorder
Just want to start by saying that this is a VERY LONG thread and I know I am in the wrong here and have presented the worst side of a boyfriend that anyone can ever think of. I am not writing this to deflect anything, I am here to seek guidance on how I can help myself show up better. There will be a lot of nuances and explaining that might come off as I am justifying actions, THEY ARE NOT. But they are important to why I am feeling how I am feeling right now.
I am currently in a 6 year relationship with my partner and we met online around covid time. She was living in England and I was living in Canada and our relationship would stay long distance for 2 years before I moved to England. (Important note 1)
We met at a time of turmoil but also my own personal turmoil. While it wasn't apparent to me back then, I was on a path of self destruction after my last situationship and the lingering shame from my Herpes diagnosis, and attetion craving behaviour that may have actually started when I was in highschool, this was not aim to end in sex or relationship but simply craving some form of interaction with other girls, the thrill, if you get me.
When we first met, I really enjoyed speaking to her and we would talk everyday and call often. Around a month later, she popped the question of asking if we can be boyfriend girlfriend, if not, then she is not interested in speaking to me anymore. I panicked because I personally never bought the idea of a long-distance relationship but at the same time I didn't want to lose her, so I said yes, which in hindsight, I shouldn't have. This was around a time where my attention seeking behaviour was arguably the most active (never flirted) and I was still hung up on my situationship. (Important note 2)
For the next few months of us being together, conversations would continue on a high and I feel connected to her, but at the same time, the relationship didn't feel real to me, it's almost like after we hang up the phone, my connection to her almost stops, as if she was just online pixels. I wasn't comprehending that the relationship was very much a real thing and she deserves my full attention and respect, which I ultimately lacked and caused various problems (Important note 3) The problems includes:
- I was still in contact with my ex. Even though ultimately it was purely platonic after my short stint of being hung up on her and neither of us interacted with anything more than friendship, I hid this from my girlfriend because I knew it would have been a problem, and I would need to stop communicating with my ex. I really lacked friends that I could speak to properly back then, so I didn't want to risk it.
- Asking girls to hang out, but when they said no, I never push for it. It was a behaviour of 'let me try, if not, I don't really care.' Of course, my girlfriend never knew about this.
- On a few occasions I would sent pictures of girls to my friend and say that they are pretty.
- Deleted platonic conversations with girls even when nothing was done wrong on my part. But because I was scared of her questioning who they are, I decided to delete conversations to avoid confrontation. Which she found out later on and fed into her distrust over me
So far, everything I've done, I know in some way deep down it was very wrong, but I didn't care because the relationship didn't feel real, and I feel like I didn't need to disclose it since we are long distance and I've really never met her.
Then this where things got very difficult for me and things got complicated for me to process things properly. At the start of the relationship my girlfriend had mentioned her eating disorder to me. I didn't know much about it but I was eager to learn and support her, but I didn't realize how bad it was in terms of the severity and intensity. Maybe 3 months in, almost every conversation every day would consist of her asking questions like "Do you think she is pretty?" "do you think I am big? If not big, then how small am I? Normal? Normal thin? Normal on the bigger size?" She would fight with me for hours on end and sometimes I would end up breaking down and screaming out of frustration. Along with other excrutiating details that she would demand from me, our conversations slowly turned into a quiz every night, and if I answered the wrong thing, then she might have a breakdown and potentially SH. I was always tense when I speak to her. This went on for a few more months but then one time something tipped her over the edge and she was s*idal. This was when I realized that I can't leave the relationship when I wanted to because I don't know what she would do to herself. This was also coupled with her introduction of her BPD to me. Everything felt too much for me since I was realistically her only source of support.
With the fear of her causing harm to herself and my problematic behaviours, I cheated. This was 6 months into the relationship. But then of course, I didn't feel like I should be prosecuted for it because I had no choice to leave. Of course, now I know that it really didn't matter, it is the worst thing to do regardless. So I kept it secret.
So I lacked respect for the relationship, and I cheated and I lied, many times about various things, sometimes it's to protect my ego, sometimes to protect my own sanity so I don't need to engage in a fight with her. Fast forward a year, after I went out to see her for the first time, it was when things start to come out. She found out about my ex, she found out that I cheated. And eventually, she confronted me about my porn addiction, which is another thing that naturally came with lying.
Things came out bit by bit over the next few years. Even when all of the things I've done were restricted to the first 8 months of our relationship, things, big or small, were coming out as recently as yesterday. Sometimes it was finding out that I deleted an innocent conversation, sometimes it would be about my relapse, but that is very bad to her because it's her going through another thing I lied about.
The main thing I wish to seek guidance on is that, through all these years, I've caused her tremendous harm by being inconsiderate and a liar. And through the conversations of her questioning, I had become very drained and almost emotionally numb sometimes because of the intensity and the frequency of SH and s*dal ideations. I was very mad at my past self, and I get angry when she would insult me and call me names, and harm herself when she is angry. Financially she isn't working so she cannot actively engage with any form of therapeutic help and I am barely staying afloat providing for two people, which is also another slight thing that I resented the situation for because it really stresses me out. I wish to know if you have any guidance on how I can balance my own exhaustion and trying to appear better without being reactive? I know that ultimately nothing is guaranteed here and repair after infidelity takes a very long time and a lot of hard work, there is a big chance that she will leave me tomorrow, but I still want to try my best to right my wrongs. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am desperate.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you in advance for any help you can give me.