Close to telling partner I want to separate - what do I need to do?

[HeartyCat]

Hi All,
First time posting here. I have been with my partner for 12 years, we have 2 DS, aged 6 and 2. I don't think I can stay with him anymore. We are not married but own a house together. Things have been going downhill for a few years after DS1 was born. They got better and I thought we would be ok. Then had DS2. But more and more I feel trapped and disappointed with him as a partner. I'm pretty sure he feels similarly, but perhaps not as strongly as me.
I am worried about the impact on the kids, but understand in the long run it is probably better for them to see us both happy and separate, rather than constantly irritated with each other and arguing alot. I'm ashamed to say we have started to argue in front of them, which I know is unacceptable.
What things do I need to plan and think about so I'm ready for us to separate? I feel like I should probably be the one to move out if it's me who wants to separate? I want to try and keep things as amicable as possible. I earn well enough that I could rent somewhere for a while and then maybe buy a flat further down the line if we sold our house. But what else do I need to be thinking about to get my affairs in order? I want to make sure I have a realistic plan before I say anything to him.
Thank you in advance for your help.

If he wont sell you may have to take him to court to force the sale. How was the deposit paid etc or will it be a straight 50/50 split. Can either of you afford to buy the other out? Would be a shame to uproot the kids from their home.

If you are moving out (with the kids??) Youll need deposit money upfront and of course furniture.

Any joint bank accts? These need to be closed and divided.

Its certainly alot easier not being married!!

Hi op, you need all financial documents,

Can he afford property if you do move out, guessing you won't to contributing to wards on going mortgage if you do move out,

Once sed conversation with him decide childcare arrangements ' school runs, after school activities, weekend arrangements, school holidays, doctor/ dentist visits, these all should be shared between you both , if you can both do this amicable it makes life easier when birthdays and Xmas comes around, and obviously less up setting for the children,

It's a difficult one op but hopefully would be better done if you two can be amicable about it, I know easier said then done,

Has all your love totally died, even if you assumed couples counseling would result in a better relationship? Why not at least try that first?

I can see not trying counseling if there was physical or mental abuse or any addictions to substances or cheating. But for arguments which result in the stress of daily life, why not try counseling to see if it works, and if not, you can say you pulled out all the stops before giving up.

Anyway, if you choose to end things, consulting with a legal representative will give you answers of how to best go about when and how to physically separate. Because in some places, leaving the home before a divorce decree can be considered abandonment.

For now, you can start by removing him from accessing your bank account if you added him as a co-user, as well as any credit cards.

Don't move out - if the house needs to be sold, it's easier to have some control over presentation, upkeep and whether viewings happen than if you're not there.

You need to be practical about this- it's not the case that the person ending things should leave.

you need to agree on child care arrangments first and foremost. Then a cms claim by one of you dependent on this

Thanks everyone for your replies. We're not married so no divorce to work through. I have wondered about counselling, but honestly I'm not sure it's worth it. We have become very different people as time has gone on, and I just feel we have almost nothing in common except the kids. There are things that have happened over the last few years that have slowly chipped away at me, which I can't ignore or forget. More and more I just feel I'd rather be on my own, as it feels most of the time as though I am anyway. We are two people living in the same house, not living together, if that makes sense?
I take the point about not moving out, if he were to agree we could probably just continue as we are whilst trying to sell it.
I just don't know what to do for the best really.

Definitely don’t move out just because you’re the one who wants to end it, you need to prioritise stability for the children which probably means staying in the house until it is sold and you can move to a new permanent base. You need to seriously think where that will be, where can you afford and what does that mean for their schooling, friends and hobbies? Also consider what will work in terms of shared care? Will he want 50:50, and if so will he actually follow through in reality? Make sure you don’t end up with all the school time while he gets to simply enjoy weekends.

Let’s be frank here - this is pretty low ball.
You’ve decided you want to break your family up and that’s your personal choice of course.
But getting all your affairs in order whilst keeping him in the dark and stringing him along is definitely underhanded.
So you’re happy to pull the rug out from under the feet of your children’s father without also giving him the opportunity to prepare whilst perhaps leaving him financially in the shtum?
I understand that sometimes things don’t work out in a relationship but at least be fair about this so that you can both prepare for your respective futures ahead of you.