Feeling anxious that my partner may be settling for me

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I've been with my partner for nearly two and a half years. Divorced two years before starting the relationship. I was happy on my own but he asked me on a date, had three dates and then that was that and I never chased him. He then met someone online and together for a few months and she ended it. We then started a friends with benefits situation that developed into a relationship. I am currently experiencing a lot of anxiety regarding the relationship. I wasn't good enough to begin with, maybe he wanted to be with the other woman, am I good enough now or is he settling. He has children and I have children but mine are younger and I feel he would have an easier life than waiting for my children to grow older and for me to have more time. There are many women in the World - why choose me, as I'm not beautiful. He has had more relationships than me. I've mentioned the children and waiting for me but but he dismisses it. But what is to stop him walking away at any point.

Nothing is to stop him walking at any point. Any relationship, no matter length or if married or with children, can end at any point (sadly)

You need to focus on living in the now and work on yourself/confidence/self esteem.

Do his actions align with bring committed, loving you and respecting you?

Is he giving you what you need in a relationship? Are you giving him what he needs?

Do you communicate open and honestly and resolve issues in an amicable and peaceful way?

You cant make anyone stay. But comparing yourself to others and wondering if he has settled is just making you miserable and stopping you enjoying the relationship.

Have you considered you may be insecurly attached, have you thought about counselling?

I appreciate your reply.

The relationship is very good and I feel respected and loved. We discuss amicably and we are both happy. He did upset me a few months ago when he was drunk and told me I was an energy zapper.

I have recently signed up for counselling via work as I felt myself getting worse and tearful. I feel too much and overthink and let down by parents and siblings and feelings intensifying as I get older but nothing will change.

You are reflecting your opinions about yourself onto your partner. Your low self esteem is making you feel not worthy, not your partners actions or words!

I would look to address your self esteem issues and anxiety first because all the evidence suggests your partner did choose you (you are together 2.5 years on) and wouldn’t choose another partner (has not done so since a probable miscommunication a couple of dates in years ago) and wants to be with you (he IS with you)!

Thank you for the reply. I feel I wasn't good enough initially and he looked elsewhere. Why was I good enough afterwards. I do need to address my self esteem but it has always been low. I am in my late forties and fed up of it now and fed up of myself. I feel sometimes that I should end the relationship to avoid future hurt.

This is from the other end of the telescope but I have worried that I settled in my relationship. I was 36 when I met DH, I saw that we could work together and I had thought opportunity to have kids had passed so in the first few years I just ignored a load of things that might have caused me to end an earlier relationship because I wanted the kids. Who are now 16 and 18 - and DH and I still together and very happy.

I saw recently a list of ingredients for a successful relationship that Phillipa Perry wrote. I was a bit surprised that it didn't start with 'complete each other' type language - she basically said find someone who is good enough - choose them - commit to the relationship and work at it.

It's reframed how I think about my relationship. I chose and I committed. And honestly it's not like I work that hard at it, we like each other, we find each other attractive we have similar views on the big stuff, we spend a lot of time together.

So for whatever reason and whatever happened in the past he has chosen you. Is he showing that he is committed? If you don't think he is you do have a right to ask for it. It must be hard that he had another relationship - I had an ex that did that to me - I never really trusted his commitment again. But if you want this to work you are going to have to find a way to believe him and he needs to help with that.

When he started a relationship with someone else after 3 dates, he didn’t even know you. It was likely a mutual expectation that the other should text first to organise a date etc etc. Same way you didn’t choose not to be with him, it just fizzled out. Then later he met someone else!

Reframe it in your mind from him choosing someone else to him just failing to be proactive in the early stages and not realising yet what he came to realise he had - you!

He stayed for about 4 months with the other person, so must of thought she was better. He is committed. But I know he could easily find someone else.

I'm glad that you're seeking counseling, since emotional baggage can have you sabotaging relationships, such as you wanting to end things now to avoid future hurt when you haven't stated any dealbreaker activity from him. Even as you don't find yourself attractive, it doesn't mean he feels the same.

But I'm wondering about your comment about his being mean when drunk. How often does he get drunk? How often do you two get together, and is there equal effort in planning time together? What kinds of things does he plan with you? Does he take interest in you as his special partner besides intimacy? Does he care for you when you're sick? Would he drop everything to come fix your flat tire or to bring you to the emergency room? Does he make your life easier and more pleasant? Do his friends have good values or poor ethics? How does he treat his parents? What does he do in his leisure time when he's not with you? What do your friends think of him? Is he a good dad?

I'm just wondering if you're the one who is settling or if he's a decent partner.

To be honest OP I wouldn’t have gotten back with him after he ditched you for someone else, especially not for a fwb situation.

You’re feeling anxiety about the relationship because he treated you as disposable.

I am feeling it now - for a few months. And I'm angry with myself.

@ScorpionLioness79 He is a good son and dad. He has cared for me well when I really needed it when sick. His friends are good. Some of my friends are not happy with our beginning. We both have separate hobbies. He plans things for us which we both enjoy. He has helped me in an emergency. He sometimes is selfish and forgets to ask about things in my life, but I'm not perfect.

I appreciate all these replies and am taking something from each one - I have thinking to do.