How did you heal after an abusive relationship, how long did it take?

[Veritywishes]

I'm two years post separation with a toddler and still traumatised by the physical and emotional abuse I suffered from my ex. We were together 10years and I cannot get over how his life has moved on married with a baby whilst I'm raising our child alone. Can anyone tell me any therapy they've had or things they did to overcome this. Thank you.

You need to start looking at the things you love about your own life, the freedom from abuse and your dc. What do you love to do, and do more of it. Stop looking at his life, what he does has nothing to do with you. By that I mean, his life has no bearing on yours. He won’t have miraculously changed, he is more than likely still abusive.

I didn’t have a child with my abuser, but was with him for 7 years - it’s been more than 20 years since that relationship ended and i would say it’s been around 10 years since the bad dreams stopped, so it took over a decade for me to fully move on.

Eventually therapy helped me massively - I actually went for something else, but we got into that topic as it was actually the reason for a lot of other issues I had - panic attacks, general anxiety and even chest pains. We relived a lot of what went on which was not always pleasant, but diving back into it and seeing it in a different was so helpful to me.

Please try not to dwell on him moving on to another family - he is not suddenly a great guy, he will eventually put them through the same unfortunately - many abusers seem great at the beginning of a relationship, otherwise they would never be able to be in a relationship. It can take years for their true colours to show.

I hope you find some help that works for you and you are able to heal.

What type of therapy did you do? Counseling has not helped me.

He is hiding income to not pay as much as he should for our child. I am doing it all and exhausted, he sees our child one a week for 2hrs max. He has hit two partners before me.

I get that your exhausted but I wouldn't let my child be with this man . It won't be long until he's abusing your child .

I've never really got over it , I just feel like a total fool for staying so long . It wasn't physical abuse so was hard to recognise . He completely destroyed my confidence to make himself feel superior.

My ex had abused women before me, which I later found out. He then went on to abuse others. I know he tried to bite the ear off a woman on their wedding day, about 3 women after me, his niece told me the story, fucking psycho. He strangled me until I passed out and all I got was gaslighting, “you didn’t lose consciousness”. He has been married now, to yet another woman, for about 10 years, all her social media is filled with how happy they are, outwardly they do look happy but I know the truth of it, there’s no way he’s changed to that degree, no way. My DH and I parted for a year 3 years ago, within a month my ex was in my messenger telling me how gorgeous I looked and that he missed me, I could tell he’d been drinking. They don’t change.

I know you’re struggling now, but can you imagine how much you’d be struggling if you were still together, shudder! You have escaped and yes, it seems unfair but that won’t be forever. I split with my ex in 1998, I mostly never even think of him unless I’m reminded on threads like this, but my reaction still feels raw to me. I am a different person now and I’m much stronger but still so soft in many ways. Don’t let him take your lovely personality from you, the fault is his alone. If you need some help then see your doctor and tell them what you need. Don’t go it alone, there is help to be had. Good luck.

The thing is everyone will tell you different things, and of course, different things help different people.

As you've asked, I can tell you that EMDR therapy helped me and proved to be a real turning point. I got mine through the NHS eventually, after talking therapies and CBT hadn't helped.

I ricocheted between immense anger, shock, betrayal and trauma for around 3 years. It was like being trapped inside something and I couldn't get outside of it.

People telling me to move on, not to be bitter etc made me feel worse.

I did all sorts of positive things to help myself - they did help, but I kept circling back and ruminating.

Amazing friends, emdr and time were what got me through.

Two years isn't so long really. People who haven't been through it don't get it. Be kind to yourself. You will get there. X

The thing is everyone will tell you different things, and of course, different things help different people.

As you've asked, I can tell you that EMDR therapy helped me and proved to be a real turning point. I got mine through the NHS eventually, after talking therapies and CBT hadn't helped.

I ricocheted between immense anger, shock, betrayal and trauma for around 3 years. It was like being trapped inside something and I couldn't get outside of it.

People telling me to move on, not to be bitter etc made me feel worse.

I did all sorts of positive things to help myself - they did help, but I kept circling back and ruminating.

Amazing friends, emdr and time were what got me through.

Two years isn't so long really. People who haven't been through it don't get it. Be kind to yourself. You will get there. X

I don’t think you ever go back to the way you were, you heal but the scars are still there. Like any traumatic experience you need time, safety and possibly suitable therapy to come to terms with what happened. I had people asking if I’d met someone else yet within a few weeks of leaving my ex!

Thanks for your message. He has supervised visits every two weeks as he lives far away.

Thank you so much, this is horrendous and I'm so sorry you've been through this. How did you learn to trust again and enter a new relationship? I'm so scarred by what's happened I don't think I could trust a man again.

Thank you so much for your message. I've not found CBT or counselling helpful at all and I've been researching into EMDR and somatic practice as I ruminate a lot as well, I'm so glad this helped you. It's like my nervous system needs answers to reconcile what happened as in the abuse during our relationship and then what he's done to me and DC since we have seperated. It absolutely consumes me at times and I'm so desperately sad.

Counseling helped me gain access to my own values and opinions again as they’d been so merged with his I was scared to have my own

I think avoiding exposing yourself to anything to do with his life is improtwnt - another counsellor advised me that everytime I start thinking a thought ruminating on him and his life to consciously direct it back to my own health and wellbeing and what I could do for myself

Take a piece of paper and write your own version of reality and what you think about yourself outside of influence of your abusive ex.
For example if he used to blame you for everything you can write - " I'm not to blame for what happened in my relationship "
If he used to make you feel like you're not good enough you can write "I'm good enough, I'm a good person and a high value woman".
If you are still affected by him moving on you can write " My life is good and I am where I should be. I have the courage and integrity to build the life I want."
I hope that makes sense?
The problem with abusive relationships is that they affect you and your mental processing even when physically you managed to free yourself. Thats why doing this exercise every day helps you define your own thoughts and your own reality and get rid of toxic influence of your ex.

I went on a course run by my local Women's Aid. It was their version of the Freedom Program. Talking it through with other women who had been through similar experiences and learning about abuse was really healing for me. It took me about five years or so.

Thank you, it's the ruminating that drives me insane. Any free time I get which isn't much I'm back thinking about him and the injustice of it all. The new wife is as equally toxic as she's called me several times and messaged me. She's said horrible things about my child as well, it's so upsetting. I have paid for some therapy but it hasn't worked for the ruminating, just helped with understanding I'm not to blame for what happened. I'm so sorry you have also experienced such horrendous treatment.

You are completely right. I live in constant fear of his next move and I have enough worries trying to just financially get by, work and look after our dc. I wish my child was18 already so I don't have to deal with him or protect them from him. He's abusive and knows that our child is the only thing he can do to hurt me and he would have no issue doing that as he's shown in the past. Sorry you have also dealt with this type of behaviour.

I’m 16 years post- DA. Raised my twins solo and harassed and dragged through the family courts for years. He’s had no contact with his children and jade no financial contribution. One of the best things I did was talk to my GP, a bit unplanned, I just broke down and it all came out. Was diagnosed with PTSD and received a good year of specialist counselling, it helped hugely and I still rely on some of the techniques. I would be dishonest if I said I’ve recovered, I haven’t. I steered clear if men for many years, had a couple of relationships and gad just given up on it all when I met my fabulous partner. 4 years with him has shown me what a real relationship with a thoroughly decent human being can be like. And the other mainstay over the years has been my Mum and my friends, one or two of my closest who know every single horrendous detail and are gearing up advocates, the rest who keep me going with their support through regular socialising.
Hang on in there, enjoy your child’s childhood and it will get better, I promise.

I was really young, 20; and in total shock it had happened. I would say a good 15 years before I looked at men without an immediate distrust, in a romantic sense anyway. I knew good men existed in my family etc. But yes I’d say 15 years, and from what I’ve heard from other women that’s not unusual either