Advice needed please

[Serene54]

My husband at the weekend decided he wanted a divorce. His drinking has escalated and ended up getting arrested for drink driving. He blames me for his drinking and his arrest.
Hes had alcohol issues for a long long time which has resulted in some quite volatile moments in our relationship. In November I called his parents after discovering he drunk drove on the school run. I asked for their help. He stopped drinking and then started again at Christmas and has continued. He struggles with his mental heath and ADHD.
I truly believed that we could work if he cut out alcohol but he’s very venomous towards me and continued to chose alcohol. I feel all alone with my thoughts and can’t function today. Anyone been in a similar situation

He needs to recognise he has a problem, and to be accountable for his actions, without that I can’t see a way forward.

You can’t force him to quit. He has to hit rock bottom. When he does, AA meetings will be good for him.
married to an addict so I know the dance sadly.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

You are on a hiding to nothing with him. Give him what he wants now which is a divorce before he potentially changes his mind. Infact I would suggest you seek legal advice yourself and start that process . Your children won’t thank you for staying with him either. They will one day leave home and not return often if at all because life there is so very miserable.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

He’s an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with drink, not you. It’s always someone else’s fault here ie yours, never his and that is typical of such a dysfunctional mindset. He is self medicating using alcohol and that is a depressant.

His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not started yet and will not until you and he are apart. You’re still very much his codependent spouse, enabler and provoker currently and you need to get off the merry go around of denial. There was sadly no point whatsoever in contacting his parents as their loyalty is to him. They have further enabled him too.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. Let go of any and all residual hope that he will change and save yourself and any dependent children from this current life where you are fire fighting all the time.

Did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent too?

Best thing is to divorce asap.
For your children as well as yourself.
Otherwise they may resent you later and even cut off from you for not getting them out of that environment.
We read it all the time on here from the adult perspective.
How they wish their mother had got out sooner away from the abuse.
Children cannot up sticks and decide to leave. They are stuck.
You need to act.
Seek legal advice.
All the best.
It gets better from here.

AlAnon (for friends and family of alcoholics) might be helpful for you OP, lots of support and understanding for you there x

Honestly, if he wants a divorce, give it to him. Living with an alcoholic is hell, and it's hell for your children too. You can't help someone who doesn't really want to get better and it doesn't sound like he does. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's awful 💐

Accept the divorce.

It will go one of two ways: it either will land on him the reality of what he’s doing and missing due to the addiction, or he’ll just keep digging, in which case you’re better off removed from the situation.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

This. He does not accept that he is responsible for his drinking, and until he does, he will never stop. He'll just continue to blame you.

Divorce is the only way out. He is not your responsibility, and since he has suggested it, take him up on his offer. Drunk-driving on the school run would have been the final straw for me.

I did 😌

I did

Leave
In any arrangements for the children make sure this is known he drink drives.
Pull in resources or people because it will be everyone but his fault
Alcholics are a web of selfish revolting behaviour
Be rid.

Yes. May be Al Anon may help you

Thought so re seeing a heavily drinking parent.

That is likely why (along with other factors )
you subconsciously went onto choose an alcoholic for a partner. It’s a continuation of what you already know.

Are your parents together now?.

Parents are still together and my husband wasn’t alway like this - just want the old version back it that makes sense

He’s long since gone not to return. The alcoholic remains. As bd he wants a divorce which you should grant him.

He could go onto lose everything and everyone around d him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

Where is your red line here, when do you say enough?.

Do you want to keep propping up and or otherwise enabling your drunkard h like your mother had and continues to do?. Like do many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic . That is no life for you or for your dc to witness because they could well do the same.