Partner struggling with physical work as he gets older

[sparklingwaves]

Does anyone have experience of a partner who does a physical job, and how they coped as they got older. My husband is late 40s, works really hard self employed doing a hands on job, and is really starting to struggle with the physical load- he's always absolutely exhausted which is really impacting the rest of the family by how he behaves towards us when tired.

I guess from a practical approach, he either needs to do less of the physical work, find a less physical job, or accept that you can't defy aging and that more rest needs to be factored into life. I'm 100% supportive of any of these, I work in an office 4 days a week, do some contract work on the side one night a week and am lining up a third job to reduce the financial load on him (neither of us are high earners, but we live modestly and within our means).

We both need to be earning, our earnings are currently probably 60:40 with him earning more than me, but I'm really up for increasing my earnings to support him having more flexibility. Obviously that would need to be balanced with sharing the household load (I currently do almost everything household/children related, while he does the 'extra projects' that we all benefit from- those come from his initiation, not pressure from me, but he then feels he never has any free time to himself to relax).

I guess the issue is perhaps not the practicalities, but his approach to it- rather than being able to accept and work round the situation, it drives him down a mental health hole that rest of the family bear the brunt of as he's unpredictable, grumpy, disengaged and lashes out (verbally) at us. He's always had a vision of a 'perfect life/perfect person' that he thinks he is/should be able to be, and then goes down a hole when life doesn't pan out like that, but the additional load of the physical exhaustion is magnifying it and tipping things towards unsustainable for all of us.

I guess communication is the answer- having a conversation with him about how to support him (and all the family) whilst holding boundaries for acceptable communication/interaction etc... Any experience if you've navigated a similar situation would be gratefully received!

This probably won't help you but my own experience with men has been that the more you give, the less they respect you.

It's on him to come up with a solution for what he's going to do now that he's not physically capable of doing his job anymore. He's had years to think about this but instead, he's carried on, knowing that you'd take a third job on so really he's got nothing to worry about has he?

How does he improve your life? Does he offer so much that he's worth doing 3 jobs to keep him? Does he? I've just asked another poster on another thread this question but when was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers? Changed the bed sheets? Organised a holiday?

Stop doing so much for him and he'll have no option but to pick up the slack himself.

I guess communication is the answer- having a conversation with him about how to support him (and all the family) whilst holding boundaries for acceptable communication/interaction etc.

Definitely this first. I think before deciding between you on steps for the way forward, you need to have a conversation with him about the here and now. How you’re feeling (does he know you’re contemplating a 3rd job?), how he feels (does he even recognise that there is a problem?) Only when you’ve established where you both are now, and where you’d both like to be as a couple and a family in the future, can you start planning for it.

Perhaps the problem is that he can’t accept that he is getting older and that he isn’t able to do allthis?

I know someone who’s a self-employed builder/decorator in his mid 40s. Years ago he told me that he was noticing he couldn’t do as much as he didwhen he started out. He was changing what he did and he took on a younger assistant. He’s still in the same line of work very successful but he has adapted. To my eyes, he’s still young and extremely fit and able!

The reality is that your DH cannot do what he used to do and as he gets older, he won’t be able to do what he does now. Perhaps that’s what needs to be thought about and the implications for his own health and well-being?

My mid 40’s DP was noticing similar with his previous very active job. He has moved to something less physical but still outside as he definitely couldn’t be cooped up in an office type job.

If you step up more working outside the home, your partner definitely needs to do more in the home.

Thanks- I appreciate everyone's thoughts, it's nice to know that mid 40s is the same sort of age that others have also felt the impact of physical work. With the ever increasing pension age it seems all the more important to make chages sooner rather than later...