Is it fair for me to handle all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do?

No OP it’s not fair. He works full time (woo hoo) but expects a maid service from you. There are many women and men who work full time and still do housework and childcare. I did this with my eldest and can’t imagine thinking just having a job gets you off the hook with that.
Do not have any more kids with him.

Are you aware you have started the same thread multiple times?

What was he like before you had a baby?

No it’s not fair.

He is a lazy useless dickhead.

LTB.

Get a job. Give him a jobs list to be cracking on with between 9/10 am and 5pm. Start saving your own separate money in case this continues. Don't have another child with him. On his 'days off' he has the baby for one of them full time and you have a day off of your own. If he suddenly wants 'family time' on that day then he either uses his other day off or he comits to half the actual looking after of the baby on the day out, smelly nappies or no! He needs a talking to.

Don’t have another child. Go back to work. Leave the useless fucker.

If he was single he would have to do his own cooking and cleaning.

He’s living his best life.

Hes got a maid, nanny, chef, personal shopper and you probably provide sex too.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is a normal way for women to be treated by men?

No it’s not fair

my DH works 60 hour weeks and I work 16 hours a week for fun money. 5 children. When he is home he will be at every single one of the kids activities, he rarely cooks but he does the washing up, he hoovers all the house, does the rubbish, helps with bedtimes, he is the one who does bath with them all, he takes time off work for any school activity even the pointless school fairs, he will come along to do the food shopping and will pick up any bits I ask for on the way home from work, he does nappies, gets the little ones dressed if I’m getting ready etc, he comes to the park , he comes soft play, he comes with me to baby groups or if I’m in work he takes them himself which he hates but wouldn’t never let the kids know that. I tell him he does too damn much and he needs time to unwind and go to the gym or see his mates but he’s made it that when he sees his mates they all bring their kids and all the wives we end up having a nice lunch/dinner together without the kids.

he says he’s happy and his family comes first. Refused a stag do last month abroad because he wants a family holiday with his work leave not to go get pissed like he’s 22 .

so im my opinion your man needs to get his act together and put his family first and in my situation my husband needs to take some time for himself

I won’t be having any more children with him, or with anybody else for that matter.

i certainly feel like a maid!

I am. Sorry, I am absolutely knackered and didn’t know which header to post under.

Excellent. He did so much, sometimes even more than I did and worked 70+ hour weeks!

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Is this all in his name?. Do you have access to money?.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Do you want her growing up believing that this is how women should be treated in relationships?. He has a nice life here for himself at your expense. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied.

No. The house is in both of our names. We have a joint bank account and both have income.

I certainly do not, it’s something I really think about daily. I tell him all of the time that I don’t want her thinking this is ok or thinking that she should be treated this way when she grows up.

No it’s not fair. I mean realistically you will end up doing more as you aren’t working. But not fair if he doesn’t help at all. I suggest you goo back to work and then share the chores equally. Ideally you’d take her to a nursery or childminder and he can collect her. Also look to resolve 5am waking.

Absolutely. I always knew that I would do all of the household tasks and most of the childcare, which I was happy with. I’d just like him to engage with her a bit more. Maybe by feeding her lunch or playing with her.

I have tried for a period of time to resolve the early wakings to no avail. I will try harder.

He sounds like a lazy fecker. He works a standard week - albeit antisocial hours, so he shouldn’t be too tired to parent or do things on his day off. What job does he do?

You've got 2 identical threads about this

Absolutely not ok. I'm a dad & all the dads I know pulled their weight, well except for one couple who seen to have a bizarre victorian type set up, but that's very much a rarity in the dad's I know.

Are you still on mat leave or are you a SAHP?

Well between 5pm and 1am the baby and house is your responsibility. The other 16hrs a day it should be 50:50. But he won’t change. I would leave now if I were you.

He works in mechanics.

I know. I didn’t know where would be best to post to. I didn’t expect them to both blow up.

OP,

I totally agree with all the statements above, I had a very similar problem with my DH when we started our family (now a family of 7). I have to agree with people that it will only get worse with more children if he doesn't change his way. You would only end up burned out and resenting everything.

However, but if it hasn’t been done, now is the time to have a frank conversation. You need to spell it out to him what you want - no skirting around the subject. Tell him you are not equal in this relationship, he may be going to work and earning money but you should both have equal amount of spare time. If he argues that looking after a baby is ‘nothing’ then you should say that he wouldn’t mind doing his share then while you have time off. Everyone deserves time off.

He is also not bonding with his own child. This is his chance to actually be a Dad like he wanted.

If he still doesn’t listen, then maybe it is time to say you are considering divorce. This is too much to bear, and he will then be forced to spend time with his own child anyway, probably even more than he would otherwise.

Good luck op, I really hope he changes.

So basically your job is 24hours a day and his is 8hours? Of course that's not fair. You'd probably get more of a break if you left him because you'd have one less person to clean up after/cook for/do laundry for plus he might have some sort of access to the baby which would give you some free time