I 21f have been with partner, 22m for 4 years. On and off at times, long distance now and then, but did live together nearly 2 years of that time. We were each others first everything, but were toxic and come from different backgrounds.
It came to a point it became physical, he did hide things in the beginning from me, he grew increasingly angry when living together and destroyed my stuff at times, threatened my dog, left me bloodied and bruised many times. But I reacted retroactively myself at times too. I moved across the country and couldn’t find work and had no friends or family so no one knows except a friend.
He knows how wrong it was and that he doesn’t deserve me. I feel immense attachment to him. I converted faiths and was ready to marry the guy. I still really want it to be him one day but I know if I don’t cut it off for good if true change can happen. Anyway, I moved away 4 months ago with the last bit of money in my account and just told everyone I was tired of being without work, and have been doing well on my own.
he’s saying he’s planning to move back for me within WEEKS now, and do anything for me. I broke up with him for good cut him off for one whole week- and I slept with someone else. He met me organically, made me feel young beautiful and appreciated. And we met up a couple times. I know it was fast, but I didn’t regret it at the time. Until BF came to my place begging and crying on his knees with flowers handwritten letters and promises.
I was overcome with emotions I wanted to be cut off completely for some time but I gave in and was intimate with him and we spent a night together went out to dinner and spoke like normal again it felt great and I know it’s not healthy but it felt right in the moment. He asked me during intimacy if I was only his, and how beautiful we’ve only ever been with eachother. And when I was drunk he asked me if I had been with anyone else and I lied to his face.
I need any and all advice, experiences , perspectives I can get. I feel guilty for having done that and lying to him— and being the kind of person he is if I’m ever honest about it even given the circumstances I feel he’d be completely closed off to reconciliation, is this a test for him of true change staying despite what happened ? Or will I be able to have distance and just say it happened another time further into the distance ? Can I die with this secret..? Thank you for your help.