How fast is too fast?

[Calorblue]

I let a guy online dating 7 weeks ago. I’m 60, he’s 55, though I am regularly mistaken for being younger than my age.
He is refreshingly lovely and direct, didn’t waste any time asking me for a video chat on two occasions followed by some lovely dates. We clicked and gone on brilliantly, it’s been lovely.
He owns a restaurant with a flat above, and has introduced me to his staff and they have all been very welcoming when I been there waiting for him to finish before and after our dates.
He has been very open about feeling a lot for me which has been lovely for me after years of being neglected in relationships, and he’s now talking about a possible future together. I’ve teased him about love bombing etc but I also like him a lot. We are very deep text and honest with each other, he has asked me if my reticence has been because I’ve been let down in the past, which I guess has scarred me, but I don’t want to bring past hurts into a new relationship.
He is saying’no pressure’ but explains his eagerness to at least start talking about the future is because we don’t have much life left to waste time dating people 6 months here, 6 months there.
I’m all in but also cautious… is this a red flag from him?

Yes however on another two occasions we spent 2 and four days and nights together respectively so we have covered a lot of ground and done quite a few activities and hum drum and things together so it does feel like a lot.

What does he actually want when talking abouf the future? What is the dilemma? Just nod and smile, have a nice time and don't give him any money or sign anything.

It depends? Some people say when you know it’s right, you know it’s right, and they can decide to get married after only knowing each other for four weeks and have it all work out…

More often than not though it’s the rose tinted glasses…

I dont see any issues - thinking and discussing the future if you are getting on well makes sense. For example, one person may never want to live with someone ever, but the other one may want that in time. That could be an issue down the line so maybe deal with that now (in the same way a couple in their 30s may discuss kids - if one does and the other doesn't why waste time)

I think you do see things differently as you get older. I am 52 and who knows how long is left in a healthy way. Hopefully many more years based on health and family but who knows, things like cancer can hit and kill anyone so I think why waste time if it feels right.

That said, I am a fast mover, if it feels right I know it and will move things at pace. Sometimes things just click. I was in a relationship a while back for 3 months - no hint of telling them I loved them, knew it wasn't going to be like that. Next person, within 3 weeks and it felt right.

If I was dating now, and in your position, I would want to know what the future may hold.

I’m 59 and at this age it is very different to dating when you’re younger and thinking you have all the time in the world. I wouldn’t finish with him but neither would I be acting on these plans for the future, there’s no harm in making a few though. I have a friend who is now 64 and married someone my age 5 yrs ago, they’re so well suited and are loving life together. He’s still working but she retired, they do the same sport and are off travelling for it most weekends.

If you Google it, a lot of people who date in their 50s and 60s say that things moved faster for them.

He’s probably completely above board of course. It’s just that you can’t know that for sure.

If he “doesn’t need” to rent it out then he’s not
particularly good with money and also contributing to the massive housing shortage. That’s if he even owns it.

I know he’s probably telling the truth but he could easily be making it up. For all you know his sister owns it, for example.

I don't think this is particularly red flaggy, he's not saying this after two weeks, it's about two months in, you've had a couple of longer weekends and a night away together, and what he's doing is feeling out what the future might look like.

I'd just smile at this stage and say 'we'll have to wait and see'

And then do exactly that. Actions speak louder than words, and it's sensible to see what happens in the coming months, but I don't think having tentative conversations is weird, what would be weird is if he acted on it. Let time pass and get to know him, his world, his family, his friends more and you will start to get the measure of the situation.

What "possible future together" does he mean if he doesn't want to move in with you? What's his relationship history?

It sounds like you feel it may be going a bit fast. You’re allowed to take more time. You don’t have to be rushed. At 55 and 60, there’s every reason to believe you could have another 20/30 years and no need to rush if you don’t want to.

That said, my mum and stepdad met in their mid-50s (both divorced many years before), got engaged after 1 month and married after 6 months and had a very happy second marriage (sadly, they have both now died but they didn’t rush it because they imagined they had limited time - indeed, they had a reasonable number of years together - but because they were crazy about each other, it felt right and based on their more mature years and life experience, they trusted their judgment on this).

If you like him and it’s all going well, let him talk about the future, and join in if you want to. No need to stop him. But keep your feet on the ground and try not to get too emotionally invested, in case he turns out to be a love bomber.

You didn't answer whether you have a house.

You talked about his empty paid off flat in London. Earlier you said he owned a flat above a restaurant. Same flat? And how he talked about helping you retire early. Which leads me to

Do not give him money for his business or to invest for you or anything.

This guy is love bombing you like crazy and I think your intuition is telling you to slow down a bit.

@Calorblue

He’s definitely not hoping to move in with me, we live in different cities and he has a flat in London

That doesn't mean a thing, especially if he's planning on retiring in a couple of years. You could be his 'retirement home' plan. It's not unusual for older men to be looking for a 'nurse with a purse'. And that doesn't mean that they aren't well off themselves, it often means they want a woman who is self supporting. My cousin in her 60s (retired) was dating a very wealthy man (retired). He started pressuring her to get married. Turns out he basically wanted to assure himself a nurse with a purse as his health wasn't the best. So it wasn't that he needed to be supported, he just didn't want to have to support anyone else.

But at any rate, has this man said anything about what he wants as far as 'the future' goes? It could be as simple as comparing what each of you want to do in retirement to see if you have the same goals. Or it could be about marriage or cohabiting. It's far far far too soon to make any actual plans but if all he wants to do is see if your plans for the future match his plans I don't see anything wrong with that as long as he doesn't exert pressure on you to commit to anything.

But I think first you need to decide what it is you want. I've been separated for going on a year now and have no interest in any type of 'entanglement'. Hell will freeze over before any man puts his boots under my bed. You may feel differently. So before you ask him what he means by 'the future' you need to know what it is you want for your future.

There's being fast and then there's 7 weeks . What do his future plans sound like?