Would you help a family member who hasn’t spoken to you and has treated you pretty badly for several years?

[bhgnrpusbpilates]

I’ll cut a long story short. 5.5 years ago, my partner lost his beloved younger sister. Due to COVID restrictions, her funeral came under tight guidelines, with only 20 people allowed in the actual crematorium, while others had to observe outside, spread out.
My partner’s older sisters and nieces behaved terribly about the situation. They tried to dictate who could go in and were unhappy that the younger sister’s husband and children had chosen a few very close friends over those nieces attending inside. My partner strongly stood up for his brother-in-law and nephews, saying it was their decision and none of our business (quite rightly so).
Anyway, there was a massive fallout, and they turned on him, basically cutting him off for daring to disagree with them. To be honest, they are not very nice people—but you’ll have to take my word for it.
Five years later, he gets a late-night call from one of his nieces saying that one of the sisters had a fall while they were all on holiday in Spain, and they didn’t know what to do and needed help.
My partner agreed to go over and dropped everything to help them arrange repatriation and deal with the hospital situation. I am unbelievably proud of him for doing so. I supported him 100% (emphasis on supporting him, not the family), and I would have backed him just as much if he had told them to do one, But knowing him, I expected no different—he’s not perfect, but he is a good man.
A few months have passed, and while they are all civil with each other, my partner has said several times that things will never be the same ( pre death of little sister).
Personally, I cannot find it in me to forgive them for how they treated him when he was already going through a difficult time. But for his sake, I remain civil on the rare, unfortunate occasions when we bump into them.
A lot of people—extended family, friends, etc.—have said, “You’re a better person than me,” and similar things.
My question is , as strangers, could you do it, drop everything at the drop of a hat for people who you thought loved you, but have proven that they don’t, or alternatively would you have the sheer audacity to go running to someone you had treated that way?

I would have helped them but like him I wouldn’t forgive them. That wouldn’t stop me helping though because they needed help, and who else would do it.

I feel very conflicted about this. I have a sibling with whom I have no contact after their appalling behaviour during our parent’s illness, death, funeral and dealing with will, house etc. I will never ever forgive.

If they were ever to contact me looking for help, my gut instinct is that I’d tell them to fuck off. But I know that I’m a soft touch and might find that hard to do, depending on the context.

So I hope the situation never arises. No real help to you op, apologies, but I do admire your DH for doing what he did. Will be interesting to see if there is much of an acknowledgment of it from the others or do they just see it as their entitlement.

Nope, I have a parent who has been absolutely vile to me over the years and didn't give a stuff about me while I was undergoing cancer treatment. In fact none of my family came anywhere near me. All our support was from DH's side.

Now that parent is in a care home. Ive been verbally abused by a sibling for not contributing financially, even though the parent has large assets. The parent has been rude when I have visited so I no longer go or speak to any of them. I feel so much better for it. It may cost me my 'share' of anything left but I value my mental health more.

I would have helped for the sake of the nieces who I imagine are blameless children who were likely tied up in their parents’ mess.

You help family members in emergency situations because it’s the right thing to do, not because they’d help you in return.

Your husband is clearly a good man. His sister should be extremely grateful to him for his help.

Why didn’t all the siblings get a say in who would be the ones in the crematorium? I think I’d be upset if I was one of the nieces and friends got to attend the actual ceremony over me. Have I got that right? Why wasn’t it any of your partner’s business?
Anyway, it was very kind of your partner to go out to them to help.

I probably would have helped them simply because I couldn’t live with the regret of not doing so.

helped them. Not forgiven them…

You've had several answers to your first question, but to your second:

alternatively would you have the sheer audacity to go running to someone you had treated that way?

Everyone tells themselves a story in which someone else is the bad guy; your partner is the bad guy in his sisters' and nieces' story, so they won't think of themselves as having treated him in any way that is undeserved.

It sounds as though your brother-in-law-in-law, as next of kin, had the final say over who made the indoor cut, and your sisters-in-law felt that blood should take priority, which I think different people would probably agree with or disagree with depending on their own life experiences.

Anyway they probably felt that if anything, he owed them one; and so in this situation it probably felt to them perfectly reasonable to "call in the favour". They will probably be much less grateful and much less introspective than you might expect them to be.

I would just continue to keep them at arm's length and continue to behave in ways that respect your own morals even if they don't appreciate it.

It was the deceased sister's husband and children who made the decision to invite close friends to the funeral instead of some of their cousins. As the deceased's next-of-kin they would be responsible for issuing the invitations.

Lots of people were unable to attend the funerals of even close family members due to the restrictions on numbers due to Covid.

I think it’s a really tough one, and one of those things where until you are in that position you really don’t know for sure what you would do.

We have a situation like this with PIL, they are awful people and have always treated my husband badly right from him being a child but he always had the “family help each other” rule in his mind and so over the years he/we have helped them whenever they have asked, financially, physically, when they came asking for him he did what he could. When we had our first baby their behaviour became even worse and when we had our second baby- who they have never met- it all came to a head and we are now no contact. Knowing what they are like it will only be a matter of time before they need something and will be in touch and we have spoken before about what we would do if it came to it. Currently both of our view is that they have made their bed, they can’t expect the help of family when they have treated us truly horrifically, so their calls will fall on completely deaf ears. Whether that will be the reality though.. I don’t know.

sorry, i kept the explanation brief but no sorry they are not in the right at all, his sister had a husband and adult children, they lived away from the rest of the family and had their own lives in such they had friends they were very close with ( went on holiday with etc ) sorry but their relationships with their friends were much closer with adult nieces who only saw them on rare occasions, and even if it wasn't right, its still not for anyone to say other than her immediate family, they all behaved like petulant children, and as an outsider looking in, it was cringe on their behalf

Tjere are close friends I would rather have at my funeral, or my dh’s funeral, than our nieces and nephews who we see once or twice a year, or less. Siblings, I would want there.

Yes, I get that now. I didn’t realise it was the deceased sibling’s husband and adult children. Of course it was therefore up to them who was invited in to the crematorium.
It was terribly sad during Covid, only being allowed a handful of people able to attend.
My dad was in hospital during this time and only allowed one visitor per day for one hour only. We all had to take it in turns. Thankfully, he was able to have a ‘proper’ funeral when he died though. Tough times.

I didn’t realise the deceased sister had a husband and adult children. In that case, of course they should have had the final say.
That wasn’t very clear to me in your OP.

Families and sibling relationships are complicated things. I think it depends on the individuals and the backstory and history.

No. I have family that I have nothing to do with and they are ignored if they’re find a way to contact me even when they’re been in apparent desperate need. They are awful people and regardless of how bad the situation was for them, I would never help and wouldn’t re open any communication with them.

This ‘you’re a better person than me’ thing is bollocks. I would just think your partner and you were mugs for helping and getting back in contact but each to their own.

In this scenario, yes I would have. Grief doesn't always bring out the best in people and it would take more than a fallout over who went to a funeral to make me not want to help my own sister.

I agree. If I died suddenly and there was a limit on people able to attend, I'd much rather some of my close friends of 20 years be allowed to attend, over my young nephews with whom I don't have much of a relationship.

And I would expect my DH to have final say on who was invited. As he knows me and my life best.