Do the words ILY matter?

[ReadingandEating]

First relationship post divorce
for us both. 18months in and I am fully in love with him, he’s everything my ex (abusive) wasn’t so im very conscious that the bar is low compared to him. However , He is lovey and considerate in many ways but doesn’t say he loves me unless I press him, eg he’ll say he I am his partner and important to him but he doesn’t really say I love you and I want him to.
I guess what I’m asking is do the words matter?

ILY?

It matters for you. That’s what matters here. Can you tolerate being tied to a soul who can’t say they love you? It’s a massive sacrifice. Massive.

I love you

The words specifically is what I mean.

It does matter to me. I’m just not sure if I’m alone in that and being over the top. As I said in OP, previous abusive relationship.

It is nice to be told occasionally but I think actions speak louder than words. My ex told me he loved me all the time but he didn't really show it, no little acts of love but lots of ILYs. That's why he's now an ex

I can only say that if I were in your shoes, I'd probably ask in a mellow way something like: Can I ask what you think the reason is that you're not saying "ILY?" My guesses would be that it feels embarrassing for you. Or that your parents didn't say it to each other so you just don't think to say it. Or that you care about me at this point, but want to give it more time to feel that it's actually love, and that's when you'll say it. I'm curious if it's any of these, or something else.

And then hear him out. You should be able to gain some knowledge by listening.

I, too, would have a problem with a partner not saying these words, and would expect that to happen at least when it got to 6 months into being in a relationship. Guys have always told me earlier. Although I knew it was infatuation, that was okay by me. It just felt good to hear it.

Whilst I am all for actions speak louder than words 99.9% of the time, not being told "I love you" would be a deal breaker for me.
I still feel all warm and tingly when my DP says it now, and how he first told me he loved me will be etched on my brain forever.

Why cant he say it?

Actions speak louder than words.

Have you had a conversation and told him how much you need him to say it? If he knows how important it is to you and still won't say it, I would be assuming after this long that he doesn't consider your feelings enough. If you have just hinted, or only ever asked him to tell you, but then not discussed properly, then I think this is on you to communicate clearly and see what he does after

Actions speak louder than words and that is what’s got me to this point but now 18 months in I’d love to hear the words said back and forth both ways.

Then this is exactly what you need to say to him. You should know him well enough to be honest by now and you’re allowed to express what you need.
The only word of caution would be that my ex did say the words to me, and even look sincere. The last time I think was the day before he ghosted me for the umpteenth time after we’d been together for a couple of years. He never meant it. This is where actions matter or the words are meaningless.

How are you op?

Both are important to me- saying it and showing it.

My husband didn't say it for the first two years and now he says it every time I walk into a room. I think he just wasn't ready, once he was he was all in.

It's important to me. My DH told me he loved me within the first few months of our relationship and almost 30 years later still tells me every day. I would not want to be with someone who finds it impossible to express their feelings.

It might be that what he feels is not quite love yet. He cares deeply about you, respects you and maybe he's
demonstrating that respect by not just saying the words because you want to hear them, but is waiting until he really feels it?

Would you want to stay with someone who treats you amazingly but isn't in love with you? For some people that would be okay. For others it wouldn't.

I'd ask him for the truth - does he feel it but just isn't demonstrative, or is he not feeling it? You deserve to know and to make your choices accordingly.

I understand the whole 'actions speak louder' thing.
But...choosing to tell someone you love them IS an action.
It doesn't mean either / or.

Might he have come out of a relationship were those words were weaponised? This, or perhaps some other reason why those words don't come easily to him. Are you able to have a calm conversation with him about it? At the end of the day behaviour counts for so much but it matters to you so try to resolve it. Good luck!

My DH doesn’t say it. He shows me in a whole range of ways that he loves me and i feel very confident and secure in the relationship. That said, we have been together 25+ years. But he was never one to say it. No-one’s perfect. DH ticked (and ticks) enough other, very important boxes. Only you can decide whether that is the case with your current partner.

They obviously matter to you, so if that's the deal breaker....

I ended a two year relationship because of this.
The only conclusion as to why someone won’t say it is because the don’t.
I wasn’t prepared to drag it out of him, but I was prepared to walk away.

You can’t press him to say it as it’s meaningless!!

This