Why do I let him get to me?

[PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers]

Ex sent me this.

He had affairs. Was verbally and eventually physically abusive to me. Spent all the family money. Two of my DCs have chosen to live with him. He has lots of money.

I am gutted about it all. I hate him. We were discussing selling a couple of our jointly owned properties and I foolishly expressed my anxiety about old age.

He sends me this smug shit. I was so angry. I didn’t respond. But why make jabs like this especially about the DCs? I’m left in the financial shit because of him.

Link not there!

It looks like you were telling him that things wouldn’t turn out for the best. And he’s saying that it is looking like things are turning out for the best and is optimistic for you too

Looks like you were looking for reassurance from him, what were you expecting him to say?

You know the answer to this.

why allow him all this unfettered access to you? It’s categorically not necessary and you’ll only begin to get over him when you restrict this sort of chatting

set up an email address just for him. Or a pay as you go phone number. Check it once a week or something. Keep all messages strictly regarding the kids and only when required

I suspect you won’t do this as you’re too entrenched in it all but that’s the only advice really that shifts you on in life

He's your ex. Don't confide your anxieties to him. It's not his job to reassure you or make you feel better, and he sounds like he behaved like a twat when it was his job to do so.

Keep conversations neutral.

I also think you’ve posted a lot about this man. Would you consider counselling to try and move on from him? Stop relying on him to bolster you up. He was abusive to you. Don’t you want to break that cycle now?

Yes, that sort of smugness from an ex who had treated me terribly would also piss me right off OP, but as others have said you really need to stop engaging with him. Onwards and upwards.

Well we are sorting out the sale of assets. And he was saying how it would be all ok. I know it won’t be ok because I know the damage he’s done. That’s why I engaged on that saying it won’t be ok.

But it might be. Why are you so sure that your life is not going to be ok?

Just so you know, two boys names are readable despite your redactions.

I would just not talk about general stuff like this at all; that way he has no opportunity for his smugness. It sounds like he was trying in a tone deaf way to be reassuring, but honestly you invited it with your woe is me text - save your venting for friends and family and just talk to him about strictly necessary childcare issues only

You don’t know the future. You aren’t making a smart point to him, you just sound negative and like you need reassuring. Stop sharing this stuff with him and seek counselling to help deal with what’s happened

It isn’t that he’s getting to you so much as you are clearly very unhappy and negative about life generally.

Yes. That could be the legacy of a long and truly horrible marriage that has left me financially in a bad place thanks to his cavalier spending and violence.