Do 'good' men exist?

[SofiaJessica4]

I'm 39 and divorced. I married in my late 20s to a very practical, handsome, acts of service guy who was a good earner and looked after me. He also didn't care how I felt about 'our' life choices and couldn't show up for me emotionally. I've had subsequent serious relationships with other men, who have a mixture of very good, and also bad qualities.

I look around and see some common themes. In my experience, when a man thinks he can no longer benefit from you all bets are off. He will come for you financially. He won't uphold his promises. He may make financial promises that are forgotten when the relationship needs. He may be physically or emotionally aggressive.

I have married friends dealing with infidelity. Or sexless marriages. Who have husbands who do nothing at home, but they are 'kind'.

I am neurodivergent and struggle with black and white thinking. I'm trying to fight it, to see people as an integrated 'whole'. It's still hard to trust men as being decent overall when the chips are really down and they have nothing left to gain. I have not had examples of good, long lasting relationships. Please, can people give me their examples of 'good marriages'. Without 'major issues' - lying, infidelity, chronic financial issues, laziness, Or good divorced even. With men who don't try to take them for everything they are worth. What were the signs early on these were 'decent' men

Yes, but I needed 5 years on my own (not even dating) before I could spot the red flags and, more importantly, act on them. Once I had spent some time living on my own and being completely independent, I lost the slight desperation I used to have to be wanted: I knew I was ok by myself and I didn’t need anyone.

I then met a man who (a) listened to me; (b) respected me; (c) was willing to move things at a very slow pace to make sure I was comfortable. He’s never taken advantage of me in any way and he looks out for me. He also looks out for himself- he has boundaries and will defend them. When we argue, if he is in the wrong, he’ll admit that and apologise. He also takes on board the things I struggle with due to a traumatic relationship history. He lets me apologise and he doesn’t hold a grudge.

If we ever get to a point where we can’t be together (or he passes away before me) I don’t think I’ll look for another man. I think it would be a disappointing experience. But I also know I don’t need one- thanks to those five years living on my own and being single.

Yes, I found mine in the wild....single for 4 years, 2 young children, met him aged 40....its the nost fulfilling, affectionate, loving and caring relationship ive ever been in and 18 months on hes still the exact same person.

You need to give yourself time to heal and work out what you want/dont want. Make sure your standards and boundaries are high and dont settle. Ever.

Get to a point so that you want some who adds value to your life. If they dont bin them off.

And! The biggest ones:

1. Actions actions actions not words!

1. If their A game in the first few weeks/months doesnt impress you then it is only downhill from there

3.Finally, if a man wants you youll know. No confusion, no wondering

Perfect men don't exist (and neither do perfect women!) but good men certainly do.

There are plenty of good men, and there are bad women too. People are complex and most of us have behaved in ways that we're not proud of, male and female.

I've been married to a good man for 36 years. As in, he works hard, is a great dad, is intelligent and fun and good company. Happy to do his bit at home, generally kind and friendly to everyone. I don't know one person who doesn't like him. My family all love him.

He's not perfect - neither am I! We can both be snappy or moody occasionally but we don't really have rows. It takes a lot of compromise and tolerance to share a life with someone, that's what a good marriage is. Respect, kindness, humour, being each other's cheerleader and soft place to fall when times are tough.

I used to think that they did but the older I get the more I believe they don't.

During the trial involving Giselle Pellicot, her husband testified that of all the men that came to the house to have sex with her over the years, about 100 men refused upon seeing that she wasn't in a position to consent. Not one of those men reported it.

Those men consider themselves good men because they didn't rape Giselle. I really found that hard to come to terms with. That they're walking around convinced they're one of the "nice guys", because they didn't rape an unconsenting woman.

Been married for almost 39 years to what I’d say is good man. No marriage/relationship is perfect. If you go in expecting perfection you’re setting it up to fail. We have respect for each other, if something annoys us we say so, and compromise if necessary and importantly have each other’s backs and work as a team.
My dad was never one for dishing out compliments but he confirmed what I thought when he said “He’s a good man. Works hard to support his wife and family”.

Yes. I found my DP through a family friend and we’ve been together nearly a year now. Moved in after 5 months. I love him so much. However, he’s not had a girlfriend since he was 18 (he’s 28 now) and doesn’t really know how to communicate and be emotionally available. Much credit to him, he’s really really trying to be better with it. A lot of men wouldn’t give a flying fuck, this is the first time I’ve ever been with anyone who actively takes steps to improve himself and improve our life together. We don’t really argue although all misunderstandings etc are solved with conversation as we both hate confrontation. He does so much for me without being told like other men. He just likes to play his games, sit and watch things with me, make plans with me. Everything I’ve ever wanted.

they do exist but they’re rare and they’re not perfect. If we don’t get married/have children and we end up splitting up for whatever reason, I will not be in a relationship with a man ever again. I will do IVF alone. I’m 30 now and scared I’ll never have kids even though we’ve agreed it’s something we want. I just can’t do this again. I’m happy now but it would be too much to start over with someone for the 5th time. This is the 4th time I’ve tried to build something with someone and I’m hoping this one sticks as the last 4 left me for whatever reason, usually cheating or scared of commitment. I cannot and will not deal with that again.

Only one I've ever met is my dad.

Hell yes of course they exist . My DH is absolutely wonderful and my Dd partner is too.

I’ve never met one that I’ve had a relationship with. In
my experience, they start off great but can’t keep the pretence up. Whether that be 3 months or two and a half years in before it really shows.

Women and men are both a mix of good and bad qualities. My DH is good in so many ways, kind, caring, empathetic, hard working, shares the load at home. He is also annoying, often drinks a bit too much, spends more than I do, smokes, irritates me sometimes. But nobody is perfect. There’ll never be a perfect spouse. My married friends have similar, a man with good qualities and less desirable ones. But all are good, but not perfect husbands, the same as they are good, but not perfect wives. It’s a partnership and it’s the combination of the two of you and how well you work together.

Yes all the men in our family are good men. Long marriages, family men, happy to do their fair of the domestics (probably more in some cases) and equal parenting. I’m sure they have their faults (as do us wives) but nothing that you could tut and roll your eyes about ‘typical men’. They have integrity in their marriages and believe in team work when it comes to domestics and kids.

As it should be.

Yes, that bothers me SO much too. All those guys walking around feeling so virtuous, yet they did nothing. They didn't go to the police, or try to talk to her later. They had zero conscience and care for another human being.

And most of the 50 co-accused literally did not think they were rapists, even at the end of the trial. I read the final statements of the 25 or so who said something more than "no comment" and really only one of them said that they had been taught about consent while in jail and he realised that he was in fact a rapist. Most literally still think they are "good guys", les bons mecs.

Yes. My DH is one of them.

Throughout our twenty years, in between the many good times, he's also supported me through PTSD-fuelled behaviours that have impacted negatively on him in some pretty major ways, and through PND, anxiety, and depression that have made me pretty 'useless' during seasons of our life.

He does half of everything as standard, and picks up the slack if I'm struggling - and he always emotionally, physically, and financially provides. He encourages and uplifts me. He also doesn't watch porn, he doesn't like laddish behaviour, he doesn't lech at other women, nor pressure me sexually (although we have a very healthy sex life, I think).

Like any human being, he's not perfect of course! But he's pretty damn close.

What signs early on indicated he was decent? I suppose he didn't play any games, he wasn't putting up a macho front, he was generous with his time and his money, he was honest, he was very caring and respectful of his mother, and he was always very attentive around consent, and whether I felt comfortable.

I figure maybe 17% of men at most are genuinely decent in their own behaviour in private, rather than just virtue signalling. Probably even fewer (10%?) would try to stop harmful behaviour rather than just not engaging in it themselves - but to be fair, both men and women are inclined to just walk away rather than intervene/report.

I think it depends on what our own definition of a ‘good man’ is too. For me, being pleasant but happy with the status quo isn’t good enough. By own definition, there’s very few of that type around. But I don’t date anyway so that’s not an issue for me in terms of romantic relationship. I do have 2 male friends though who I do consider to fall under this category.

I'm as sure as I can be that DH is a good one. We've been together since we were 19, friends since he was 17. I'm not risking it again if he dies before me though.