4 years post D-day. Wondering if this is the beginning of the end.

[Jigglebelles]

Discovered DH was having an affair 4 years ago. Long story short, we decided to stay together, especially for DC who at the time were 4 and 6 but for me that wasn’t the only reason. I still loved him. It was such a painful time and honestly now I am beginning to wonder if it was worth it. He confessed to previous affairs when I found out about the last one as well, so it wasn’t a one off and I think he was in love with the latest one (though he denied it). I obviously can’t know.

Anyway he stayed, and seemed to want to as well, but fast forward to now and I feel like I am the one keeping the marriage going. He works all the time. When he isn’t at work he’s doing his hobbies. He did all the right things post discovery like counselling and he changed jobs, and seemed to be invested in making it work. Holidays, new pets, usual family stuff. Now I feel like it’s all me, it’s like he is physically here but not really invested. He also had an issue with making a picture of us public on his social media and I know it’s a small thing but it has made me feel quite insecure. He did in the end but I feel a bit like it was to keep me quiet.

The OW also moved recently too, and they now work in the same city. I don’t think he has contacted her (I have access to his phone) but it has rattled me slightly. He says I am being silly and it’s been years and it’s all in the past.

We don’t have sex that much either, and honestly sometimes it feels like it’s more out of duty than anything else. I have found it hard sometimes since generally but there have been periods when it’s been good.

Is this just the return to ‘normal’ marriage and I’m being over sensitive or am I picking up on a tip in the scales where I am now having to do the work maintaining it all… and he is just here but not really? And if so am I just delaying the inevitable?

I don’t know what to think anymore. Can’t really speak to friends as I don’t know what is normal for marriages post affair!

He’s had more than one affair. No point trying to keep track of the ow, that’s a red herring because he can easily find (has found?) another.

Do you really want to live like this? It’s ok to leave because of his affairs even years after you discovered them.

This is your life, your only life, how much of it you waste is down to you.

My exh and I stayed together in similar circumstances after his first (that I found out about) affair. I had wonderful supporting advice on MN that kept me going. For few years things were good /he really made an effort. But then things became the way you are describing your life now. It was another affair and more painful the second time. I’m glad to have at least tried to keep the marriage, but considerably happier after leaving him, even though the divorce process was horrible and I couldn’t have done it if the DC were still school age.

I think setting aside the affairs, you sound pretty unhappy in your marriage.

I don't intend this to be gloaty, but my DH and I are a decade in and while we've gone through patches of illness, slower sex life etc. we are still really in love.

I think I've been lucky in that my DH puts in a real effort to be always kind, attentive, flirty - I'd be crap if not for him, but I think the positive attention feeds the positive feelings. It's sort of a self perpetuating spiral.

My M isn't perfect - DH hates watching TV and I love it, he loves hiking and I hate it, he isn't very good a deep emotional analysis on anything, he can be selfish at times, but generally I feel like I've got a husband who's completely in love

I'm really not sure what most marriages are like, but this just sounds sad. Like you're not being loved or feeling that intimacy.

Regards the affairs, I do think people can make terrible decisions and change. But I also don't think you should question your sanity - your doubts are doubts he created, he has to help you resolve them.