Should I get involved over my niece and my abusive ex?

[Whatapickle45]

Hi, i will try to keep this short but its alot, so my ex and father of my firstborn has given me so much crap for many years, police, solicitors etc have been involved, to keep it short he was abusive when i was pregnant with her and i left n never went back, that was 16 years ago and the harassment of me and my OH had been almost non stop until DD reached 12 and saw him for what he was and cut contact, it has been quiet-ish since.
just after DD cut contact ex started seeing ex SIL (SIL was aware of everything that happened between me and ex as she was dating my brother while all this was happening) i advised brother not to let niece and nephew around him but this didn’t happen, fast forward 2 years and a stint in prison (due to domestic violence towards his ex before SIL) and he is in contact with my niece, almost in a grooming sort of way and manipulating her into telling him things about SIL new partner, encouraging her to take and hide money, encouraging her to smoke weed telling her she is alone and that only by being alone can she be a survivor- pretty messed up crap, SIL reached out to me after they split and he was harassing her but i told SIL that i wasn’t interested and to keep me and DD out of it, but now this is going on with my niece (12) should i reach out? He did the same thing to my DD tried to turn her against everyone except him and manipulated her into thinking he was the only one that cared about her etc and thankfully we were able to help her undo all the crap he put in her head, maybe i could help DN, but i also don’t want to possibly put myself or DD back into all that crap.

This is dreadful situation all round. Hopefully some MN posts will help.

@Walig54 and that is just the tip of the iceberg but i needed to keep it short.

I don't think it's for you to intervene - if your niece is only 12, surely SIL can stop him from having contact with her? Or your brother? This is really for her parents to sort out. If I was SIL, I'd be reporting him to the police.

Brother did ring police and they have said they can’t do anything as a crime hasn’t actually been committed, Brother did say to SIL to take DN phone away which happened for 2 days and then she gave it back.
ex has told DN to write down his number and hide it or memorise it so if SIL or Brother delete contacts etc she can get hold of him, he as even said he is going to fight SIL and brother to take her and her live with him (he won’t he is just telling her what she wants to hear) didn’t even fight for his actual DD despite his many threats.

I think your main priority is yourself and your own family. You aren't really in a good position to help someone else unless you are further down the road of recovering from it all. You're SIL is aware and it's her kid. That said if you think there is substantial risk to her, you could indeed mention it to someone. As awful as it sounds, I would be slow in having her over to your house if she's in contact with your abusive ex. You don't want to draw you back in to more drama

Youre well out of it girl x

To be honest i haven’t actually seen my DN for a few years, she is only 12 but went off the rails when SIL and DB split and they haven’t managed to bring her back, they are for lack of a better word useless and put more time into their new partners than their kids and she has been pretty much left to her own devices, bounced between living with DB or SIL and nowhere really to feel secure.(which i believe is why she is seeking out ex)
but unfortunately she can’t see he is using her and manipulating her.
I understand what you are saying and glad that the opinion so far seems to be for me to stay out of it, but i feel guilty knowing i could probably help her.

I'd be speaking to Social Services & the Police again (getting someone different can make the world of difference.

of course her parents should be the ones doing this, but they're not so IMO you need to. I can understand your reluctance, but your DN needs a responsible adult to step up for her.

See

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/63106669e90e076ebfb7f419/Child_Exploitation_Disruption_Toolkit_082022.pdf

I suggest that there ARE things that can be done BUT your nieces parents probably need to 'lead' on these things and of course you need The Police to take it up

SIL already has charges against him and is awaiting court, Brother has rang police and they have said they can’t do anything as a crime hasn’t been committed, i am willing to reach out and offer some security and advice but obviously if she is in contact with ex i wouldn’t want her telling him i am involved and him start making mine and my families life hard again ), i don’t feel she is in any immediate danger nor are SIL or DB particularly bad parents, but i just feel they dropped the ball after their split so social services would be OTT in my opinion.

I think you need to involve the school and social services. This sounds like a neglect issue that is permitting grooming of a vulnerable child. This is where social services needs to intervene with the family. Your brother can also seek sole residency if he can hopefully keep her safer.

Is the Ex the one providing the weed to her to smoke? That’s a crime. They should go to the police with this information.

They didn’t know it was going on till few days ago, DN has been keeping it secret and deleting their convos (he told her to) he had only gotten out of prison in Feb so they did even know he had her number, but this is what he does, he has fooled fully grown women into thinking he was a good guy and his exs were the bad people (my downstairs neighbour and my SIL both knew what he was and yet still went out with him and both had kids with him) yes he also dated my downstairs neighbour for many years 🤦🏻‍♀️.
so how could a 12 year old have any chance at not falling for his bullshit.
while SIL and DB admittedly dropped the ball after their split they are in over their heads as far as he is concerned, he is pure poison.
My nephew has lived with DB since the split and DN was with him initially but then lived with SIL after she moved in with ex so she has been the most affected by his crap.

She hasn’t actually been smoking weed, DB had her tested after reading the messages about him telling her to buy weed.
we think she was just trying to impress ex by saying she smoked weed as he smokes it.