So it definitely is me, but can I do anything about it?

[Facecream24]

Over the years I’ve had many friends but they all eventually drift away. I’ve come to accept it definitely is me. I just can’t maintain a friendship, I think probably as many of the friendships are situational so the situation changes and it drifts off.

The same also seems to be said for DH. As a family we now never get invited to anything. I’ve tried over the years, had many different people round for a BBQ or meal etc get promised return invites which never come so I give up with them and try someone new. Same again.

We get out and about in our local town to keep us busy. Community events, bit of volunteering, kids activities and there are always families and people we know that have arranged to go together. They don’t ignore us we say hi and small talk etc but it’s clear we’re a hanger onner if we stay too long.

It must be hereditary as eldest DC seems to be in the same boat. Always seeing kids he goes to school with out together (it’s a small town). Like I say we try to keep ourselves active and busy as a family but it would just be so lovely for once to be included but I’ve no idea how to get there.

I wonder am I boring? Annoying? Forgettable? Do I try too hard or not enough. I know I’m sensitive and if I feel hurt I will just try to move on. Is that the problem? I should ignore that. I don’t know what I’m asking really as I know none of you actually know me but it would be nice to find others who feel they’re in the same boat and what they do to fill the spare time they have that other people spend with friends!

It’s a tough one but while it might be ‘you’ it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong or that there is something unlikeable about you. I think it’s more likely that habits have been formed and established and entrenched over time.

How close were the friendships that didn’t last? How long before they drifted?What made them situational? Who are you choosing to invite over for dinner? Do you have friends at work? Has this all been happening in the same small town?

Yes I’ve friends at work, been at the same place for a long time and so have they. Friends that left work no longer in touch with though as the situation has ended I guess.

Same town, I still say hi to everyone when we see them out and about. Just not actively friends anymore. People that we’ve got to know one way or another are who I’ve invited, they’ve always said yes and come And it’s felt like a nice time but never reciprocated and if I’m honest I do give up quite quickly and hate to push things. I get embarrassed easily and think they just don’t like me after all.

Some friendships have lasted years, situational because of having young kids at the same time but then returning to work. Or having kids part of a club but then they leave the club or at work and then someone leaves work is what I mean by situational. Some felt very close at the time.

To be honest I hate hosting dinners, I have to do all the shopping, cooking & cleaning and people are fussy so I just find it very stressful. Can’t you meet out for meals? Perhaps they’d be more willing to come if it doesn’t mean they’ll have to reciprocate hosting.

If you're inviting people to your home and then dropping them if you don't immediately get a reciprocal invite to their house then it is you terminating the friendship.

If I liked someone I wouldn't care if they didn't invite me to their house. Sone people don't really like entertaining at home.

I'd then invite them somewhere neutral like a restaurant or cafe or activity. I'd still want to see them and would continue to try to do so on neutral ground.

I agree with pp, l hate entertaining so wouldn't do a recipricol invitation to my home. I would be happy to meef up for coffee, a walk or whatever. Consider keeping it low key and suggest that next time.

Dropping people if they don’t invite you to their house is probably the problem tbh. A lot of people don’t like to entertain at home these days. There are so many places to go and things to do rather than sitting in a house, try asking friends to go out instead.

My best and most lasting friendships have been with people with whom I share a common interest. We do low key things together related to our interests. I go walking with people I met at walking groups, swimming with the women I met at the sea pool club and visit gardens and garden shows with the folk I met at horticultural college.

I'm doing something I regularly do on my own but when I'm with them I enjoy their company whilst I'm doing it.

We are never stuck for conversation or scratching our heads for something 'fun' to do because we have that connection and shared interest.

Cooking a dinner for visitors, shopping for it, clearing up afterwards is a whole day job for me (and I guess a lot of people). Also, it can be quite exhausting after all that trying to make polite small talk with people with whom you have no specific connection - or it is for me at least. It all seems like work when a lovely swim, a coffee afterwards and a lovely natter is just relaxing, fun and takes an hour or two out of a busy week.

Obviously we don’t know what you’re like but if you feel it might be you, it might be. You may need to look at how you are within friendship dynamics. It’s a bit of a balance between finding points of connections, being interested and interesting. Being warm. That kind of thing.
Or it just might be coincidences or people who aren’t able to return the invite for whatever reason and just don’t initiate.

I think you may to put your finger on part of the issue — OP, what is it that determines who you invite around? What are you like as an individual? What kind of people do you like? What would someone who just met you like about you?

I note that one of the recurring themes on Mn threads about struggling with making friends is not identifying individuals you are specifically attracted to and rather treating people as a sort of undifferentiated mass. The fact that you seem to be identifying families rather than individuals is probably part of the problem here, too. The chances of everyone in two entire families really wanting to befriend one another, parents and children alike, are pretty slim.

Try a book club

Building adult friendships - proper friendships, not being acquaintances - takes a very long time in my experience. If you spread yourself too thin and try a scatter gun approach it won't work. It's much more effective to choose someone you really like and get on with and then make effort to build something with them. Invite them for coffee, suggest an event etc. You have to be fairly persistent and not get discouraged if they turn you down a few times - people are busy. But if eventually they don't seem interested, move on. Looking back on some of the friendships I've built I'd say it took on average about two years of invitations and coffees etc before it transitioned to an actual friendship.

I can’t bear having anyone except my immediate family in my home.

If that’s the problem, that you are dropping people who don’t invite you round, try inviting them out for lunch or something?

It’s not just you. I’ve had loads of friends but now seem to have …. None. I’ve moved about a bit, people don’t keep in touch when you aren’t there- like you say, situational. Then I’ve had friends who haven’t actually been brilliant friends when the relationship has been tested in any way and I’ve realised it’s one sided. Then friends from school/youth who’ve all moved on. Never had a big ‘group’ of friends either.

Regardless I have a big family- one of 5 siblings- and my parents are about a lot and I’ve nice work colleagues so I don’t feel bored or lonely really. I do often long for a really good friend in my life though and I worry about when I’m older.

I try to make the most of my immediate family and enjoy things as they are. Can you do that? Just get to know what you like etc and try to be around other people who like the same?

Thanks for the replies. A few things to think about. A lot of focus on the hosting aspect but what I mean really is that there’s never an invite or suggestion for any interaction! I’m not necessarily bothered about going to their house but I/we never get invited anywhere. Visiting the Lake District today and there are huge groups of families together. I would love just once to be invited to something like that.

Unfortunately have a very small family and who we do have live a long way away so we can’t fill that gap by them.

I do find it hard for I keep going, get a bit scared of potential rejection. I accept what PP said as well about finding a whole family where we all get on, I guess it just seems other people can manage it and I feel sad I can’t and worry about the kids missing out and not learning how to do these things as it seems I’m incapable of teaching them!

But then don’t invite people for dinner or a barbecue, invite them on a walk or a picnic or something? People may tend to assume that a dinner invitation should only be reciprocated by another, but it feels like a lot of work, or they hate having people over like many Mners, so it never happens.

And maybe start individually, rather than looking for whole-family friends? What kind of person are you? What do you enjoy? What kind of people do you like?

Good questions and the answers are perhaps part of the problem! An approaching middle aged slightly grumpy fed up woman who finds it hard to have fun! I enjoy watching sports both my kids playing but also outside of that. I’m currently trying a dance based exercise class but get bored halfway through, have tried a book club. Would like to try painting but can’t find anything near by. I am an introvert and do need to recharge, part of my problem is thinking I should be doing things because I see others are and don’t understand how to get there 🙈. It doesn’t help that I’m in a small town now where everyone has know each other their whole
lives or nearly and even a decade in you can’t replicate that.

A lot of people have larger extended families, and still live in the same area they grew up…try not to compare yourself to others. Situational acquaintanceship will fade, and that’s okay - I would suggest you try things you actively enjoy…you will be less likely to drop the activity! Yoga, book club, a local beach clean group?
How do you get on with your neighbours?