I don't have many friends and so don't have anyone i can talk to about this. I had a disagreement with my sister a couple of days ago which has been incredibly upsetting. There was nothing terrible said in this messaging conversation but the way she behaved towards me and things she did say- dismissed my feelings, minimised them, didn't listen to me, turned things around on me being the 'bad one' had me so close to saying during this conversation- you're gaslighting me(I didn't say it) which took me by surprise because I always thought my whatever my sister says is right, she knows best, she's doing the best by me, she's always looking out for me. After this conversation I was very upset and started looking into gaslighting and realised she has been doing this to me for years now. I would always go to her for advice and with things that were happening in my life but over these years, I've noticed that everything i tell her is turned around on me. No matter what it is, she'll find a way to blame me for something. I had started to share less because I was seeing this pattern and it was bringing me down any time I spoke with her. She ended this conversation saying I was attacking her and she regrets messaging me at all. She was quite harsh and hasn't spoken to me since. My instinct is to message and apologise and get past it but because I've been reflecting, I think this is the pattern I've been stuck in. She does this to me, I think it's my fault, I apologise and desperately try to get things to be 'good' again and the cycle continues. I don't think she does this on purpose. I think she gets defensive and thats why she communicates with me this way. But it's still not ok. And I'm not ok. I feel so sad but I recognise now that she's not a safe person for me to share with. I have to look after myself and step back emotionally. Not cut her off, I just can't share with her or give her that much power over me. I have to build myself back up and start trusting myself again because for so long, I felt like everything I say and feel is wrong and I have to check with other people if my feelings are right. Sorry for the long convoluted post. I just don't have many close people in my life and I needed to talk. I'm finding this very difficult and sad realising it all