Staying with a cheater: Is it possible to find genuine happiness again

[SofiaJessica4]

My best friend recently discovered her husband of two years cheated. He's been on dating apps for at least six months, and propositioned an ex lover for 'fun'. No idea if he actually went through with anything physical.

He's now in therapy. They are staying together and she is proceeding with their house purchase. All the money is coming from her and she is getting zero legal protections.

I've said my piece (gently) and now am just supporting her in her choice. It's made me reflect a lot on my past and relationships. For one, it's easy to give advice but hard to take it when emotions are involved.

Two, it's made me reflect on relationships I've left after betrayal - not cheating, but lies - and incompatibilities. I left despite a huge amount of love as after trying really hard, I couldn't get past the issue and therefore could not be emotional intimate, trust, love fully etc. I wonder now if I'd settled, could the relationship be good? I know I can be happy, but I mean could the relationship have been healthy, for example with my compulsive liar ex. I'm pretty sure the answer is no.

I see people stay everyday, and sometimes they leave later. You hear of cases of genuine change which is driven from the 'offending party', which seems rare. More often what seems to happen is a combination of surface level actions, lip service, sweeping under the rug, rationalisations and denial, until things happen again and you repeat the cycle, with the relationship being even worse this time. That's been my experience anyway.

So, the question I have is, without genuine hallmarks of change that is self directed, can people be happy in the relationship if they stay?

No. Not truly. Will no doubt try to fake it for ages though.

Having been on dating apps for an extended period of time clearly at only having been married 2 years really is an awful sign, which clearly shows a strong intention to cheat - I don’t think people are truly happy tbh, I don’t see how that can be possible because surely it’s always in the back of their mind they could be looking to cheat again. I think a dishonest person is unlikely to have a lightbulb moment, they just get better at hiding their activities.

She's out of her mind to put her financial eggs in his basket. I guess she's trying to prove something to herself or him or both, but she's so so foolish to do it.

It's funny how men's poor mental health often apparently leads them to be unfaithful instead of to the GP, isn't it?

Yes, many people do and are happy, but it depends on a huge number of things.
One-off out of character episode, plus a ton of remorse and genuine effort to change, means there’s a chance.
Not ever with compulsive liars/ repeat offenders of any kind of dishonesty though.
Your friend is already married so whether or not she goes through with the house purchase, I guess her money is part of the pot if they split. Add the cost of legal fees/ survey/ stamp duty though and I’d hold off the purchase anyway until she’s sure. All you can do is offer advice if she asks for it and be a supportive friend.
It’s her relationship and her choice.

Your friend is already married so whether or not she goes through with the house purchase, I guess her money is part of the pot if they split.

Very short marriage, presuming no kids - he wouldn't be entitled to much of her money. Putting it into a jointly owned home without ringfencing her deposit or anything is daft as a brush.

Your friend is an absolute fool. I would gladly risk closing the friendship over telling her to stop this madness.

I do not think it's possible to recover.

I think if he loved her and wanted to make amends, he ought to be going all out to prove himself.

Eg. "No, darling, you should protect your deposit and we should be tenants in common. I want you to feel safe that I'm with you for the right reasons and that if I ever let you down again, you won't suffer financially for risking trusting me."

But noooo, it's all I need therapy, poor me, and risk everything to prove our lurvve. 😒

So the money isn't in her account yet as it's coming from family. Therefore she could wait, not buy, and later divorce with no financial loss. Or put legal protections in place now. She's chosen to do neither, and she knows her choices, so I after having spoken to her about it I've just said I'll be here for her no matter what. It's not my marriage and it's her choice. I do worry for her. Her husband has good qualities but he's also a notorious boundary pusher... not sure how much that would change without years of therapy

I left a relationship with a compulsive liar, and since this thing with my friend I've wondered, what if I didn't leave? Would I be happy? I don't think I would. My ex had good traits too, but I imagine I'd still be stressed out and shut down. I haven't seen many examples of good relationships. I want to believe they are possible though

The answer would be a no, @SofiaJessica4 . When someone decides to cheat it is a decision that they made, consciously betraying the trust of the spouse and everything they built. We are talking real effort here, too. Registering to apps, planning, scheming. I will never ever understand anyone who stays after being betrayed like this, it is something that can never be fixed or undone. I choose to be with my wife every day, I choose her, us, everything we stand for together. If i had a partner who betrayed that, I would never stay. i can forgive as a person, but we could never be a couple any more, ever, no matter how much love I had for the person. Emotions are involved, yes, just as you said. But even if leaving hurts, staying is just wishful thinking. Cheating is not a mistake, it is conscious betrayal, and I 100% believe there is no way to fix it. Ever. Promising to be good in the future does not negate the choice of betrayal. Hard no.

Didn’t know the money was ring fenced or what happens in short marriage divorces.