12 yo son co parenting struggles

[Em1988x]

Just seeing if anyone else co parents with similar age children and what your take is on making kids go to their dads/ engage in activities. For context, split for a year now, dad has new partner, she has two kids age 8 and 11. I’m with someone new however kids and ex aren’t aware of it, so see him at work and never outside of work because I always have one of the kids. Very rare ( has happened a few times over the year ) my ex has both kids for the day and evening. So took the chance and made plans for late afternoon and evening. 9 dd and 12 ds get picked up for swimming, play footy go for food. Only for 12 yo ds to return within 10 mins saying he doesn’t want to now. My guess is, he wasn’t aware that dad’s partner and kids were going. So he’s now back here saying he feels sick (doesn’t look sick and my guess is trying it on so he doesn’t have to do anything) I’ve tried talking to him and he just keeps getting stroppy and telling me nothing is wrong. I’ve now cancelled my plans 😏

question is for future events really, would you force your children to spend time with dad and partner, kids? They’re all meant to be going on holiday in July and now go a feeling ds will say no. He’s quite shy and lazy tbh and would happily sit on his PlayStation all day and night. Again should I tell him he is going and doesn’t have a choice.

even when we were together we would have a hard time getting him out on family days out, he’d moan and say he isn’t coming. Sometimes we would give in and leave him at nans or we’d force him and he’d enjoy it.

when I told him they were going to play footy after swimming he seemed abit gutted then, but offered to drop him to them after swimming and he said no.

If dad is safe then I would expect kids and son to stick to plans so they can work through their relationship and I can make plans with my no child time. Dad should be able to look after him if he feels sick. I would discuss this with dad if possible.

I think he needs time with his dad without his partner and kids there

Have you asked your son if he was aware that dad's partner and kids were going to be joining them on their day out? I can only assume your kids already know dad's partner and kids if there's a holiday coming up for all of them to be going together. Maybe have a chat with your son to see if he has any issues with dad's partner or her kids which have contributed to his reluctance to go out with them all. If it's a case of his partner is always there on the kids allocated time with him then he may need to tell his partner that he needs some time just for him and his kids and not invite her along every time

👆🏻 this. It’s quite clear that this isn’t to do with dad, but more a case of can’t be arsed which isn’t a great thing to let him keep doing TBH. We’ve all heard about kids these days who do nothing but sit in their bedrooms gaming well into their teens and then a problem so allowing him to have it is probably a recipe for disaster later on.

If you don’t want to feel like you are ‘making’ him go to his dads then explain to him that he isn’t going to stay home gaming, but will need to come with you food shopping (and all other boring manner of things) so he doesn’t think opting out of dads is a right to just sit and game!

We have been through a tough time when DSS was 12, but he was refusing everything, even school, now at 14 he is much better overall and we are coming out the other side!

I think you should stick to the plan as far as possible. However, it is a lot for your son to get used to. What does the dad say? In my teen years I didn’t want to go to my dad’s

You are enabling this behaviour by letting your son call the shots. You need firmer boundaries. If the plan is that he goes to his dad’s, then he goes to his dad’s instead of messing people around last minute.

I wouldn’t force my child to do something he doesn’t want to do, op said she thinks it’s once he realised the partner and kids will be there, Dad should know this and spend time with him alone

OP says she guesses that it may have been that he didn't realise dad's partner and kids were going to be there. She also stated further in the post that she struggles to get him out of the house cos he wants to sit in his room gaming. Maybe dad bringing him home was the easier option for him cos he probably didn't want to deal with a sulking 12year old boy all day spoiling their fun with his negative attitude but then why should mum have to cancel her plans just because dad probably didn't want to do any actual parenting?

You can’t go through life never doing anything you don’t want to do. Sometimes children just have to do as they are told. You will end up with a child that thinks the world owes him a favour and the rules don’t apply to him.