Struggling to accept separation and becoming a single parent to high needs child

[Blownaway23456]

I have two young children, 4 and 1. Two and a half months ago my ex sent me a text saying he no longer wanted to be with me. The months since then have been hideous, he has been angry, treated me with contempt and says one thing one day and then changes his mind the next. I have been emotional and pleading with him to please not do this.

I am really struggling mentally.

I feel so strongly that this decision is going to be harmful for the kids. My oldest has autism with severe demand avoidance and needs a lot of one to one support to eat, get dressed and stay regulated. Since my toddler has been born nu ex and I have usually taken one child each.

I am struggling to process and accept this.

I will have the children full time and he will visit once or twice a week (his proposal). My daughter would not cope with going between houses. But I can't help but feel devastated at a)how he will shatter their world and make meeting their daily needs impossible at times (e.g. daughter will not eat enough without calm one on one time for an hour to eat dinner) and b) how it's going to destroy me as well. Never getting a break and raising a child with complex needs. Things like babysitters, after school club etc. just aren't possible for my daughter as she is far too anxious.

I have also been a stay at home parent since my eldest was born. Not married. Up until this week my ex has repeatedly lied about his financial position, (earns 100k but tries saying it was circa 40k, can muddy numbers due to own business). I feel so utterly screwed over and betrayed and pathetic that despite all he has done and the way he's treating me, I am still desperate to stay as a family unit and while I know that's not happening I am really struggling to accept it.

I’m so sorry, what an arsehole.

Im sorry to hear this.

perhaps ask him how’s he’s going to cope looking after the children when you go back to work full time as you can no longer be a sahm as he’s not there ………..

do not accept scraps from him. He needs to take some of the load and help you ( aka parenting his own children)

I'm so sorry OP, this is a scary uncertain time for you and of course you're struggling. It's a big change.

I don't understand why he's angry and treating you with contempt when he's the one walking out on his family? What a tosser 😠

I know the future looks bleak and scary to you now, but I promise you that you will cope and your children will thrive - your little one will grow and learn and it won't always be as difficult as it is now - juggling a child with additional needs and a younger sibling is hard! Unfortunately, as a fellow special needs mum, I have seen that many many fathers bail on their kids and mums have to cope alone. But they do cope and do a great job, and so will you.

When he comes to have the kids, make sure that you go out and leave him to it. You need the break and he needs to manage them on his own for that short time. I know the temptation is to micromanage the situation but he needs to do his fair share, the children need to get used to it and you need to have a break. Don't forget things can change and your daughter might well cope with spending time at his house in time - you need to encourage this so that you get a proper break.

Try not to worry to much about the future and catastrophise in your mind - take it one day at a time. You're hurting now but you will not always feel as you do now. You will get there and be happy again 💐

Thank you. I appreciate the messages.

So many people have told me that I need to make sure he does more and has the kids on his own.

But the proposal is that he'd visit at my house. He doesn't need my oldest child's needs and doesn't keep her safe. Leaves sharp tools out etc. She has run off a number of times with him in car parks etc. as he doesn't pay attention and you need to be hypervigilant with her. He will forget e.g. that it's lunch time and she doesn't eat well with him, he just doesn't need her needs anything like the way I do. And I really don't feel I can sacrifice the kids but leaving them with a parent who isn't competent and safe.

Given his behaviour with the children I think ultimately it might be better to cut him out of your lives completely.

What an absolute shit. As others have said, ask how he plans to split the childcare when you go back to work, a couple of visits a week will not be enough.

The ex is abusive because it's a strategy abusers use to discombobulate you - the best defence is attack and he's in the wrong.
You obviously need to mourn all what you thought youd have and have lost but he's awful.
I suggest you speak to a professional to get him to do his share and to create distance and show you're not a pushover. Are you getting PIP for the little one?

@Blownaway23456 , I'm so sorry. I would seriously consider being the one to move out and 'visit' until you get yourself set up.

That way your DC will have their 2 parents, as you won't be offering the scraps that your partner is and you will safeguard your own sanity and be able to start work. Don't get drawn into caring about his ability to work, it is of very little benefit to you or your DC now he's planning to fuck off out of your lives for 99% of the time.

That might work if this was a person who had a conscience and who cared about their own children, this man clearly doesn't.
If he is forced to look after them he will respond by deliberately neglecting them in order to punish the op and make her even more stressed and anxious.

Op with the greatest of kindnesss, you’re going to have to put your grief to the side for a bit until you get the practicalities of this sorted and you’re going to need to get tough with him!

1. finances. He needs to put something on the table that’s fair. He’s got two options here, amicably or via a forensic accountant and CMS. He won’t want to risk HMRC poking around.
2. childcare arrangements. Who says he can visit twice a week and shirk his parenting responsibilities? Tell him he’s 50% responsible for them and an agreement needs to be made that suits you too. If he fucks you about, go out one day he’s round with an overnight bag in the car and don’t come back. Don’t let him fool you he can’t look after them, and don’t feel you’re abandoning them, they’ll be fine with their own father for a night.

you’re gonna need to get tough quickly as how this is established will set the precedent. Your kids are small and they will adapt. He’s trying to bully you into submission, you need to get up and fight for yourself, especially since you’re not married.

sorry this is happening, it’ll feel less horrendous eventually ❤️‍🩹

Oh and don’t fall for the incompetence nonsense. He’s like that because you’re always there to pick up the slack. A guy capable of earning100k is more than capable of looking after his own kids. His standards won’t be as high as yours but you need to let him figure it out or you’re making a rod for your back for life

This! It's an absolute nonsense that he's not capable of looking after the children safely, he's just used to you doing it all and you have to stop. Leave him a written list of instructions if you like but you MUST establish a routine where he looks after the children alone and you get a break.

Ultimately you can’t force him to have them but he’s perfectly capable , he’s making out he’s incompetent to shirk his responsibilities

dont fall for it. He created these children so he doesn’t just get to walk away and throw you a few measley quid when he can be bothered . a proper conversation about money and proper parenting ) not a couple short visits) and what you expect is needed. Tell him straight

This.

Find your cold, diamond hard anger on behalf of your children first, grieve later.

You do have every right to all the emotions, but you need to fight first.

If your eldest can’t move out of the house then each parent needs a place to spend 50% of their time as they take it in turns to move in and out of the home.

I would not be letting him think he can come and go as he pleases and have you there as back up for when things get tough.

Whilst your dd needs to have that extra help to eat or get dressed. He needs to learn how to look after them both.

If he can only cope with one child then what exactly was his real plan because he is taking the p**s thinking he can waft in and out a couple of times per week.

I certainly wouldn’t agree to anything where he gets out of parenting his own children.

I think you have to separate the fact that your eldest has complex needs and look at this firstly about childcare arrangements. It’s either 50/50 or EOW and if it’s EOW then he will need to pay for everything for his dc. I.e childcare housing, food etc
and 50/50 needs him to have both dc for 50% of the week and if he needs help on these days then he needs to arrange and pay for it.

Even if you have agreed to some one sided arrangement I would say it isn’t working and take it to court for a 3rd party to decide what is fair given the circumstances