Feeling like housemates after baby's birth

[tinseltits21]

Baby (our first child) is 3 weeks old and I feel like my partner and I aren't connecting much. I go to bed before him and he does the midnight feed so I can get a decent rest and he is sleeping in the spare room so he isn't woken by baby who wants to feed every 2 hours so we don't have the usual cuddling/spooning in bed that we used to. He does his fair share of nappies etc and when he doesn't have to be up and out early comes into my bed for a cuddle etc. I feel like we're not as affectionate as we were before - I only really get a kiss goodnight, nothing else during the day - and we have had a few disagreements where we are both tired etc whereas we never had these before. I know this is a period of adjustment but should I be worried and how can I reconnect with him? He isn't really one to talk about feelings but I could do with some reassurance from him right now. Last night i told him I felt like we were housemates and he said something along the lines of baby being a priority now which of course he is but I feel we need to look after the relationship too.

Im so sorry you are feeling this way.
I sent you a dm in case you want to talk or get anything off your chest x

your baby is 3 weeks old. the cuddling and kissing and I am sorry but this is complete overthinking. Your 3 week old baby is all that matters right now and it does not sound like he is doing much wrong.

This is totally normal! Not comfortable. But normal. We used to make space to do a 'check in' every day with a cup of tea. We'd talk about how we were feeling and what we thought about the day etc. It was also a was to keep a check on any PPartum Depression symptoms that we'd decided we'd do before the birth. We inevitably had a kids and a cuddle too - and we felt emotionally closer, which is also what I think you're also missing.

Good luck, OP. The first 2 months are brutal for everyone!

how old are the kids now? X

SO SO SO NORMAL.
Please don't worry. You are both in full survival, adjustment mode. My kids are 2 and 4 and my husband and I have just returned to fully 'us' in the sense of getting evenings properly etc.

Everything changes but it's for the better in many ways - you are just 3 weeks in - cut yourself and him some slack and don't worry.

I would put good communication practices on place right now. Stop talking about how you are feeling and start expressing your needs. Rather than saying "I feel like we are housemates" to him, state exactly what you need him to do in order for you to feel more connected. Whether it is a cuddle every night or half an hour in the evening discussing the latest philosophy podcast episode... And invite him to tell you what he needs. He may not be used to talking about his feelings but he should be able to express his needs.
I think we often get caught up in feelings and, while they are important to share, it just turns into constant upset when needs aren't being met because needs are implied rather than clearly expressed.

It's a phase, there will be more.

I think the key thing about difficult parenting phases is not to lash out and blame dh but think like you're a team tackling a difficult challenge together.

So normal at this stage. You are both in the trenches of adjusting. Give yourselves time. Open communication about feelings and needs. Plan a date in for a couple of months time, if you can get childcare. It will be something to look forward to. I think every couple experiences this with a new born.
Me and my DH are passed this stage now, our child are both primary age. We still plan our time in each week for intimacy, you have to plan and book these things in or life gets in the way and you do become house mates.
Give it time

A brand new baby and your other half is absolutely right baby comes first

This. The time for you two comes back but those first few months especially with a first baby are just about adjusting, surviving, and your baby x

Thanks everyone, I think i am probably just feeling insecure and anxious post birth - I lost weight during pregnancy and am not looking my best and I am sleep deprived and hormones all over the place. We had a nice afternoon out the three of us and I feel calmer about things now. I must remember that there will be good days and bad days and that I shouldn't catastrophise.

Its such early days after the birth, it’s perfectly normal for you both to just be in survival mode right now. Give it time.

My DD1 just had 2nd baby after 8 year gap. Baby 12 weeks. Even if you have already had a child it is still hard, the lack of sleep and time to do the most basic things like eat, shower, laundry. I have just had DGS for 5 hours so they could have a date, first one with no kids since the birth. It does get better, babies start sleeping longer, you get into a routine and your hormones settle, I hope you have family around to support and reassure you. Never be afraid to ask for help, it takes a village to raise a child so they say, but just one extra pair of hands now and again makes a difference. 💕

Update: it is now 7 weeks and not much has changed. He gave me a spontaneous kiss and cuddle on Saturday when we were out but other than that it is just kisses goodbye and goodnight - i had to ask for a kiss goodbye today although he did come into the bed for a quick cuddle this morning. I have tried to broach the subject by asking how he thinks we are doing etc but he just says he thinks we're doing well - we're spending time together at weekends and haven't had any big arguments. I don't think he gets it. Or maybe he is just avoiding? I could really do with some reassurance from him right now but I don't know if he can provide it.

7 weeks is still early days OP, it is a huge adjustment and it really does take time.

I think you're tiptoeing round the issue a bit, rather than communicating properly to be honest.

When you brought it up the first time, you just told him you felt like housemates. This time, you've just asked him if he thinks everythings good, rather then just telling him that you're worried about the relationship.

In short, you're expecting him to by psychic, and get what the issue is without telling him.

Just come out and say it. "I'm missing the affection we used to have before the baby. I know things have changed, but can we try and make some time to cuddle in bed like we used to."

Right now, there's a good chance he's giving you some space, we hear so much these days about new Mums feeling touched out, he's probably letting you take the lead on this.