Should I be concerned ?

[KindPearlFawn]

My adult daughter has a new relationship (she’s been seeing him 10 weeks), which I have some concerns about - but I’m second guessing myself so would like some feedback back. I’ll bullet point things that have concerned me in chronological order.

1. week 1 2nd date bought her a designer handbag
2. Week 2 - approximately 4th date told each other they love each other.
3. week 4 asked her to be his girlfriend with a Cartier ring.
4. week 5 he suggested he would pay off hp on her car and sell it and then she could drive around in one of his cars (but not have her name on it)
5. week 5 - Encouraged her to go PT at work (her dream job) and work for his business.
6. week 6 already discussing marriage and babies
7. week 7 told her in front of me “don’t wear too much make up at your bday party - you’re naturally beautiful”
8. week 7 said in front of me, her brother , aunt & uncle and cousins on the dog breaking wind “no that’s just ***’s breath”
9. week 8 - she called in sick at work and her took her on holiday for 4 days.
10. week 9 they’re already talking about saving money together for a mortgage.

as well as these things that have raised my eyebrows, the only time she isn’t with him is when she’s at work. She had pretty much moved in with him after 1 month of the relationship. She used to be a social butterfly- always doing something with her friends in her spare time - I didn’t see a lot of her but when I did see her , I was so happy she was living her best life. It was lovely hearing all her stories of where she had been and who she’d seen - and hearing her funny stories as her face would light up. She’s seen 4 friends in the last 6 weeks and only with him being there too.
The first time I met him he gave me a bottle of perfume. On the other handful of occasions I’ve been in his company - he has bragged to me about what money he has spent on her and about how much he earns. The last time he came to my home my daughter was at home with me and when he arrived he just walked right in - no knocking on the door.
Of course as her mum who only wants the best for her and would be overjoyed to see her settled - however, im concerned that these things are possibly red flags or perhaps I’m over thinking things ? I’d hugely appreciate some feed back from other mums who may have experienced something like this too please to help me navigate this new part of her life. 🙏🏽

I think you are right to be concerned. It sounds like he is love bombing her while beginning to exert control over her and making her financially dependent on him. It will be hard to get her to see this, though. Perhaps you could voice any concerns very gently - you don't want to drive her away as this will make it easier for him if she is isolated.

Sorry, I should have said that my daughter has just got out of a relationship similar to this one. He spent five nights of the week at her place, they saw no one but each other (she had a great social life before he came along and told her he just wanted it to be the two of them), told her he loved her after only two weeks, lavished her with gifts and after only a couple of months, told her he was going to marry her. He even had a venue picked out! He was a bloody vampire and to our huge relief he dumped her after she got upset over something at work, saying she complained too much! Basically, he wanted everything to be about him, all the time. She was devastated but we are very relieved! I honestly do not think she would have seen the light on her own and might have married him. It was very hard to talk to her about what was going on at the time, though, so you have to tread very carefully. These guys make out like they are smitten and you sound like a bitch when you urge caution. I think DD's vampire simply decided he could do better and unhooked her, thank God! Two days after writing in her Valentine's card that they would be together forever.

Wow. Your gut feel is telling you he is a wrong ‘un. So many red flags. But you can only be there to support your adult daughter if the relationship continues

I hate him just from your post

He’s lovebombing. He’s manipulating her. Ask to meet his parents or siblings. He will have some kind of excuse how not to. Red flags.

I’m so sorry you have had this experience too. I have tried to gently voice my concerns when she has brought up their plans etc. unfortunately it’s been met with defensiveness. I fear me voicing a few of my concerns have pushed her further away

Yes my gut is in overdrive right now 😢

Instead of having a go at him directly, we said things like, "Don't be too fixated on a wedding, you are going to live together first, it's a long road to the altar!". We tried to get her out and about without him and kept asking about her friends and if she had seen them lately. Then a puzzled look when she said no and "Wow, you haven't seen them for ages!". Making any comments about him directly made her defensive as well.

Thank you 🙏🏽 I appreciate your feedback ❤️

That’s a very good idea - another red flag is that she hasn’t met any of his friends yet. Her reason - his friends are very flaky at making plans to meet up with them both

Well he can't be that rich if he has to save up for a house deposit.

Red flags all over this one - hopefully your daughter will realise that he's a wrong 'un before she waltzes up the alter. Really difficult as you can't intervene but be there when it, hopefully, all goes tits up.

Thank you for that advice. It’s such a tight rope to walk isn’t it. At the moment I’m seen as the enemy who doesn’t support her relationship.

You are right to be concerned. This will not end well.

However, there is very little you can do. Other than be there for her when it all starts to fall apart.

Maybe get her a copy of Women Who Love Too Much. She won’t take it on board right now, but it may plant a seed, a little voice that might pip up every now and again when he does something that ought to make her feel uncomfortable.

That’s a great book - I have a copy of that. Never thought of giving her that to read. It’s quite an eye opener. I read it after being in a narcissistic abusive relationship. Made me realise a great deal & helped validate my experience. I was concerned that my own experiences of red flags was clouding my judgement & perhaps making me more skeptical than I should be. At least that’s what my daughter has told me when I have expressed a couple of concerns to her about her life now being completely entwined with his and it was ok to slow down a bit

I'd be concerned too but I'd tread very carefully for fear of pushing her further into his clutches. He's definitely love bombing and showing signs of coercive control.

Rather than trying to change her mind, can you recruit her into spending some time with you alone and maybe encourage her gently to still see her own friends? For example, you could ask her to come running/yoga/zumba class with you as you're trying to get fit and would love her support and company? Or tell her you need a dress/outfit for an upcoming event and would love to have a shopping/lunch day with her as you value her opinion? Just spending a bit less time with him would be the goal.

Why not suggest that she introduces him to all her friends as they'd love to meet him? Seeing him through their eyes might help the scales fall from her eyes a bit, especially if he's rude or awkward with them.

I think you have to play the long game and be ready to pick up the pieces. The hardest thing about being a parent to adult children is seeing them make mistakes and not being able to just go in and sort it out for them 😢 I often think it was easier when they were small and a cuddle from mum or a little treat was all they needed!

Thank you 🙏🏽 I appreciate your sound advice ❤️❤️

What is the age difference? Does he come across as someone who is dangerous / dodgy ? What name has he told her he is called ? I assume you have checked him out on the net.

Ask her not to drive uninsured. She could be stopped. Ask her why he would want her put her at risk to do that.

Sometimes a very blunt conversation is needed. It will depend on your daughter. If she is likely to listen to your advice and direction then tell her your worries. If you think it will make her more volatile and throw herself at him all the more you need to find a way to get her to ask herself questions about him.

His glow and shine need to be removed. You need a strategy to do that. She is being swept off her feet.

I agree with Endofyear about introducing him to others. Family too. Getting her away from him is key.

Sometimes open questions seemingly bland , the why, when, what, how etc can get her to start questioning him in her own head a bit. Have you met his family ?
Have you met his friends ? That sort of thing.

I think you're absolutely right to be concerned, OP. As others have said, it does sound very much like how coercive and controlling relationships start out, so you need to tread carefully.

From the perspective of someone who has experienced this first-hand, I'd advise against putting any concerns in writing (or over the phone if he's around) to your daughter. If there is coercive and controlling behaviour at play, there's a strong possibility that anything she sees/hears, he sees/hears, too. If you are concerned that he may be attempting to isolate her from friends and family, you want to avoid giving him any reason to see you as a threat, or opportunity for him to manipulate your daughter into thinking that you're trying to sabotage her "happiness".

Keep cataloguing everything, as you're doing.
Might be worth speaking to Women's Aid for further advice on how to approach things, and you could also request a Clare's Law disclosure on your daughter's behalf. Hope you're ok, and I hope that she manages to get herself away from this man (or that we're all totally wrong). X