How to cope with needy/demanding friend

[Dixie81]

I’ve known this friend for a long time and we usually get along great but she has always been quite needy and demanding and it’s got a lot worse in the past couple of years. For context, she has some type of mild learning disability. I’m not sure what but she went to a special school and can’t read beyond very basic words. However she has always worked and has no problems managing day to day. She has no other friends (it’s obvious why) so I know she is probably lonely and I do my best to be there for her. She has also been very kind and helpful to me in the past.

When we meet up together or I go to her house, it’s very hard to get away. She’ll repeatedly ask me to call out again the next evening (and every evening!) and if I say I’m busy, she’ll start finding reasons why those things are not important. I’ve found that the more I give in to this, the worse it gets. She rings me on FaceTime and then goes about her day, doing housework, eating lunch, watching tv etc, as if she just wants me there with her on the phone. Several times when I didn’t answer, she has called round to my house and banged the door so loudly and for so long that my neighbours complained to me. I’ve told her that I don’t answer the door unless I’m expecting someone but one time she called round anyway and started shouting at full volume and beeping the horn for almost 40 mins. I was home at the time but was very ill in bed. She swears constantly so it was really embarrassing for me knowing everyone could hear her. Thankfully she hasn’t done that again, probably because it didn’t work. She doesn’t like that I have other friends and will make up stories about them to try and put me off. Half the time her stories don’t even make sense.

I’m really struggling to know how to handle this. I’ve tried to talk to her about it so many times and she always says she understands but nothing changes. I know I could just block her and ignore her completely but we do get on well in other ways. I just need her to be less intense but I’m wondering if maybe she can’t help it.

This is really hard OP and not sure what best to do. Sounds like she needs extremely firm boundaries and you need to not give in if she badgers for more. E.g. you could say you will have two calls a week with her at specific times and you will.spend x hours with her on a Sunday but thats it - she isnt to contact you on other occasions. My son has autism and can be v full on with his friends but responds well to these kinds of rules

That’s not rational behaviour on her part. The reference to her not wanting you to have other friends is a huge red flag, and points to a particular personality disorder. I’m not a psychologist but years ago I had a so called friend who also didn’t want me to have other friends; the lengths she went to to ensure that I didn’t have any friends other than her were unbelievable.

cut her off by any means possible

I have been in a similar situation and I do know the person’s background as we went to nursery together, back in the days of yore.
I moved back to my old area where I grew up a few years ago and she was still there with her parents.
I did feel sorry for her, for a while at least. But it just got too much for me in the end. I actually still had a couple of friends from when we were kids and she said they were horrible bitches. Anything I said she’d repeat to other people. She was obsessed with death and was constantly sending me funeral notices.
I realised on the end she didn’t want a friend, she needed a sponge.
She did message me one Saturday evening to repeat a really vicious rumour about good friend of mine from school that was untrue.
I lost my cool, and said it had enough.
I blocked her on everything, I just thought I’ve been dealing with this person for decades, even when we were really young.
She didn’t call to my house but she did try and talk to me in the road one day and I went in and shut the door.
I felt terrible for a while but I realised I’m not big on energy myself I shouldn’t be forced to be around someone who is too much.
The thing is you can’t discuss it with this friend and it’s because she lacks any boundaries.
I have worked with many young people with all sorts of learning challenges and they have been lovely souls with good pals.
But sometimes life just sends you someone and, to be quite frank, it is all about them.