Can I move on from awful childhood without counselling?

[aimee41]

My parents were awful. Father an abusive alcoholic, beating kids and mother, stealing from family to fund addiction. Mother neglectful -beatings, embarrassing living situation, debt, baliffs. They could sometimes be ok, we went on holidays, they paid for hobbies, but there was a lot of underlying abuse. Then I grew up and left home. Both parents now dead. I have my own family, I am doing ok. My kids are getting a much better early life than I had. I have had no counselling. Is there anyone else like me who has just got on with it? I feel that maybe I should go through counselling as what I went through is so bad and it must be affecting me somehow now. But I am skint and not sure if it would be worth it? Does this sort of trauma always need unpicking?

Do you feel like you are coping? Are you struggling generally, and/or worried a crisis might derail your current coping levels?

I found that counselling isn't a perfect cure. It depends on lots of variables (mood, current circs, how you feel about the counsellor themselves etc).

It made me re-evaluate my current relationships, which culminated in me walking away from quite a few people, so I have less "support" (but they were emotionally damaging to me so it was still the right choice, just an unexpected development of me changing through therapy).

I also struggled to open up about the real issues. It takes time to build the trust to do so, so I would look at it as a long term thing when you embark on it.

Overall though, I would suggest it is worth doing. Be prepared for events to be dredged up and connections suddenly made in your head that can be very distressing, things which you might have been ignoring or not remembering all these years. And emotions like a ger, sorrow for your younger self now that you're a mother etc.

Thank you for replying. I am sort of coping. I think I have ASD but not diagnosed. 2 of my children have ASD diagnosis but high functioning in mainstream school. Home is a bit chaotic due to PDA, routines of the dc. So things definitely not perfect. But I have friends facing similar issues with dc, some worse and I do not therefore feel the same out-of-the-ordinary shame of the home situation that I had as a child. I am not the perfect parent but don't feel that I harm my kids like my parents did. I had very low self esteem due to my childhood whereas my dc have confidence. But I don't know if I could be improved, a better person by counselling

Does this sort of trauma always need unpicking?

Absolutely not. All it needs is permission to stop looking for answers that aren't there.

My partner has. Had a childhood like yours. He just went to college, got good qualifications, and gave his late wife, and his children a brilliant life. 👍

That was his ‘revenge’, had an happy life, and good for him.

No counselling needed or wanted - but I guess some people might need it.

I needed counselling for mine. Parents still alive and struggling with their judgement and behaviour still.

What really helped was understanding their trauma. And knowing my trauma will not be passed on to my kids. So the generational cycle ends with me.

I discovered a lot about myself. Counselling, meditation, exercise (exercise helped the most!) and working with my inner child.

💐

Therapy helps some people enormously - it can be life changing.

Other people are different and it just doesn't work for them.

And quite a few people can be helped to some degree. As a pp said, lot depends on the counsellor, their experience and the click.

Hi, I am sorry for what you had to go through in childhood. In my experience counselling for these things can never hurt. If nothing else it will give you a space to talk it through and unpack some of what you experienced. It definitely seems like it might be on your mind at the moment. If you didn't want to go straight to counselling there are services like Nacoa (National Association for Children of Alcoholics) who can help you talk through growing up with alcoholic and addicted parents. Sometimes its just nice to say things out loud in safe spaces, like here.