i think DH and I have spent our whole relationship trying to protect the other from confrontation about minor to medium things. I finally raised an issue about finances that has really upset me on and off over the years and he simply can’t see my point at all. I feel really hurt. And he feels angry and defensive. It’s brought out lots of other non dealbreaker things that we mostly gloss over like feeling unseen as who I am now and he feels I haven’t been proud of his (actually great) achievements for the family. On a day to day basis we function really well and I do believe we love each other a lot but we HAVE TO deal with this stuff before it drags on any further. We love our life and our family but just can’t seem to find the kindness and generosity for each other that should be there.
I’ve arranged counselling for us. He’s not delighted but would always do whatever I ask of him seriously. I’m worried it will blow things up further or open deeper wounds. But then one of the issues I have is that I’ve been afraid to hurt him or add to his very significant stress and depression over all this time. And that’s been probably the problem. So I think we have to try.
What have others experiences been? Has counselling escalated problems for anyone? He takes every word to heart and remembers it. He also misinterprets what I say as the worst possible version of something I just want him to be understanding of. So it makes me so cautious to try and express myself. He doesn’t mean any harm, I know he truly believes he’s doing the best he can for all of us. And in truth the whole way of interacting has led to me not being the loving wife I want to be and I know he feels it. I’m so joyful and competent and respected outside of home. At home I’m functional and impatient and lost. We need to fix this.