Am I unreasonable to feel hurt by friends forgetting my 60th?

[Star1966]

I am with a group of friends who used to work together and have stayed in touch with each other for over 10 years after leaving our work place as we all got along well and meet up for coffee/ lunch regularely.
I thought that we have always supported and celebrated each others milestones and Birthdays etc. as well as being there for each other when needed.
However I have recently started to rethink my place in the group and it is making me feel down and a bit sad.
I recently had my 60 Birthday and was very excited as it is a milestone that I have been looking forward to reaching for a while.
I had many lovely recognitions and celebrations from friends and family, but from my friendship group chat I only got a Happy Birthday, hope that you are having a lovely day.
When I responded with a thank you very much everyone and some pictures from the special treat that I was having together with my family on the day it was quite obvious that it was a extra special celebration...
Two of my friends hsd sent me a ordinary Birthday card and the other two just said Happy Birthday in the group chat which is normal and fine for a ordinary Birthday. On the special ones we normally do a collection for that person and make a bit of a fuss..
It's not a present that I need, but was looking forward to share the recognition of the special day from a group of friends that I considered as being close?...
I thanked the friends that sent me the cards privately and one of them asked if it had been my 60th and I confirmed that it had.
She said that she was looking forward to arranging a get together with everyone soon and wrote in the groupchat for a request of dates to get together soon.
One of the other ladies then suggested meeting up on the date that I know is her Birthday ( but did not mention that it is ) and everyone else corresponded that the day would suit them. I was still feeling a little wounded and was also waiting for the new schedule from work to come out to confirm if I could join in or not, so I waited a little extra to comment on the date and was going to answer this morning.
Then one of the ladies just said a minute ago, great will be good to see you all there...and none of them seem to have noticed that I haven't even commented on if I can make it or not yet...
To be honest if they are planning to celebrate me now when we are due to meet up 3 weeks after my special day I am not really that interested anymore..
I was going to be the bigger person and buy a present and a card for our friend that we are meetimg up on her Birthday and bring it along, but when none of them have even realised that I haven't confirmed if I can make it or not yet, then part of me feel like just not turning on the day now.....
Am I being unreasonable or not for feeling like this?
Last time that I saw them the attention was on.our friend in the group who was going to retire after having worked full time and struggling a bit for a while. So we all gave her little cards and I had a small present for her etc.
That could have been the time when they also remebered me. This other lady might be more remakable than me, but I just thought that we all count in our own special way? I understand that life is busy and we all forget things, but I thought that between the 4 of them one of them.might have remembered..
Am I unreasonably to feel like this or not?

Well, looking at it positively, perhaps they couldn’t believe you were 60 ! Also on a plus note, you did receive cards and greetings.

It is always hurtful to discover that one’s friendship may not be reciprocated to the same degree, but these seem good semi-friends, so I would swallow my offence in this case.

Gosh I hope that by the time I'm 60 (and I'm not far off) I won't be worrying about whether people find me remarkable or special or need to celebrate me to this extent. It was your birthday, they said nice things, some sent cards, you're getting together. They aren't your nearest and dearest who you must've done the main birthday things with. If I was that excited about doing things with this group for my 60th, I'd have arranged it in advance and not left it to be this weird test of how remarkable you are compared to everyone else.

Surely by now you know people have lots going on with their own life and often barely give all that much thought to their own milestones coming up, so while they're good friends and care for you, the groups' milestones aren't on their minds nearly so much are you're imagining. YANBU to feel a bit sad as you'd got excited about it, but YABU to get into this level of analysis over it. Either you understand lives are busy and people forget things or you don't. If you do, then be understanding, brush it off and have fun with your friends.

The phrase "cut your nose off to spite your face" applies.

If you usually have a good time with these friends please don't take offense over the lack of awareness of your 60th birthday; we all have busy lives and families and perhaps they needed to have a prompt? Keep going to your meets, just be aware that maybe this friendship group is more important to you than it is to the others -?

Tbh when it was my 60th I said to my friends well in advance that it was coming up and I wanted to get together around that date to celebrate with them.
I do find it strange that people expect orders to just mind read and know what you want. Some people don’t want to celebrate so they may think that as you hadn’t arranged anything you wanted it low key, or just family.
If you wanted a fuss making you should have organised it ahead of time.

Then one of the ladies just said a minute ago, great will be good to see you all there...and none of them seem to have noticed that I haven't even commented on if I can make it or not yet...
How big is this group? You can't always wait for everyone to pull their finger out and respond. If there's a date that works for the majority then they are going to go for it quite reasonably. Nobody has time to be double checking with someone who can't be arsed responding in good time.

You've had plenty of fuss for your birthday from others and your friends in the group also wished you happy birthday.

What on earth is the problem?

Is it because this birthday ends in a zero?

That's a really good point. Ofc no one's noticed, why would they? This isn't an unfolding drama to them. They'd assume you're too busy to have replied yet. Just like they'd assume that if you wanted celebrating, you'd have organised it. Besides, it this happened 'just a minute ago', why would you have commented already? I give people days to respond if they need it, not moments. And still let it slide if they don't reply because I'd assume they've got bigger stuff going on.

Meh. I couldn’t tell you the date of my friends’ birthdays, though might be able to come up with a month! We too used to do a collection and get a nice gift, but usually the actual get together is arranged by the birthday girl herself. Like : ‘hey it’s my 50th on the 3rd is anyone available for dinner celebration’? The present would then be organised by someone else. As to keeping track as to who has replied - on normal meet ups it’s who can make it on the day so I wouldn’t chase anyone unless I had to book a place and needed numbers. Some people never confirm and either turn up or don’t.
So I think you’re being a bit precious. Unless you reminded them it was your 60th beforehand and suggested getting together then don’t expect them to remember.

Honestly, you sound ridiculous and self-obsessed. If you wanted a 60th birthday do with this group you should have arranged it yourself. They remembered your birthday and sent greetings, but maybe didn't remember it was your 60th, or thought that as you hadn't mentioned it you didn't want a fuss or to commemorate in a special way.

You had a lovely day with your family which you enjoyed. I can't imagine at this age( and I'm 62) getting so upset about something so utterly trivial.

Thanks for the answers. We do not normally organise to specifically get tog
ther for the milestones as we all normally celebrate the actulal day together with our families.

We just tend to remember each others Birthdays and make a little extra fuss of each other ahead of the day when being a special one. We don't normally need to announce it, as that would feel a little strange.
I must admit that I am the one to write things down and organise in advance for other peoples special occations a lot of the time, so pethaps it is my misstake for thinking that other people do also 🤔
I was just missing that special connection with my friends for my special occation..

Respectfully, I think you sound petty and a bit self-obsessed. Stropping about everyone else having agreed to meet on someone else’s birthday and not noticing you hadn’t agreed is very Main Character Syndrome.

Yes, it is your mistake.

I'm heading towards 60 and if I want a birthday celebration I'll organise one.

Then it’s obvious why it didn’t happen, surely? If you wanted your birthday celebrated, you needed to prompt it.

I think in these situations, to manage your own expectations and if its important for you to have it marked in some way, you need to arrange your own lunch with friends and say this is for my 60th. Otherwise this inevitable disappointment follows.

They remembered your birthday so they must care about you and value your friendship.

They may not have realised it was your 60th if you didn’t specifically say “oh it’s my 60th next month, shall we arrange something the week before/after?”

When you sent the pictures of you celebrating with family, the probably thought you clearly didn’t want them to make a fuss because you hadn’t said anything about a special celebration.

People aren’t mind readers. They are your friends. If you’re usually the organiser then it might not have even occurred to them to take over.

It doesn’t sound like they did this on purpose - it’s just as easy to get a card with 60 on it as it is to get a standard birthday card. I think they genuinely didn’t realise it was your 60th or forgot.

We just tend to remember each others Birthdays and make a little extra fuss of each other ahead of the day when being a special one. We don't normally need to announce it, as that would feel a little strange.

I guess people are getting older and have a lot on and don't remember so much so start saying in advance. It's strange that it would feel strange, maybe you're wrong about that. I don't see how it's remotely odd to say 'It's my 60th in a couple of weeks, anyone free on xyz dates to get together for a few drinks?'. That's not a strange thing to do at all. And if you're not getting together like that, then I don't see what the making a fuss would consist off. Just more specific messages in the group? I do think you're assuming everyone thinks like you and reading too much into it. I bet they wouldn't think organising drinks for your own 60th would be strange either. Stranger to be expecting them to notice how long it's taking you to reply to someone else's perfectly nice invitation.

Can you flip your way of viewing this situation? Because it feels very much like you are looking for reasons to be hurt rather than acknowledging the ways in which your friends did celebrate with you.

They wrote messages on your group chat, you received cards from a couple of them and one of them said that they would celebrate it the next time you're all together. That's not forgetting you, they're normal ways of sending best wishes for a birthday.

It seems to me that you are searching for reasons to be hurt when you could be more positive about the situation.

So the one who is having a birthday next has organised the get together for it. If you wanted a gathering with them, maybe you should have suggested a date?

Maybe by the time I get to 60, I will feel I need to be the centre of attention like a small child, but right now, in my mid 50s, I am not feeling it is likely. By 80 again, sure, but 60 isn't even an important milestone like retirement age anymore. Your family and close friends are who matters and they made a fuss.

If you don’t tell people it’s a special birthday then they don’t know and you can’t complain.
Why didn’t they already know you were going out with your family. Sounds like a very surface only friendship if you’re not sharing your life with them.

My beloved brother is 60 next year (I'm 9 years older). I'm torn between making a big fuss and treating it like his other birthdays, because he hates fuss (he asked me to take down the first ever Facebook birthday message I posted!). However, he and his wife - though I suspect it was mostly his wife - made a bigger than normal fuss for my partner's 70th earlier this year.

I think if you personally want a big fuss for a specific birthday and will be disappointed if you don't get it, you need to make your wishes known.

I can never really understand this kind of adult birthday mentality. You're 60, not a 5 year old!
My friend had a whole week planned for her 60th! Just madness to me.
I'll be 60 in 3 years and will just be happy with a couple of cards. Plus the usual nice meal out with my husband.
But each to their own I suppose.

Another here (in late 50s) who doesn't really understand your reaction. I wanted a big party for my 50th so I organised it. I enjoyed having a fuss made about me and my birthday and I made sure to organise things so I got the desired level of attention. People are busy and distracted and everyone is at the centre of their own universe. Expecting other people to notice whether or not you have confirmed your ability to attend something - that is honestly not a reasonable thing to expect. This is a group of friends whom you value and whose company you enjoy. As others have said - don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

What's actually so special about turning 60 that you wanted 'recognition' from your friends. Do people really make such a fuss about birthdays at that age? You don't sound like a very good friend OP judging them for not centring you.

Actually I do understand you. If these friends have remembered and marked others milestones then I can see why you would feel a bit hurt when they haven’t done the same for you. Realistically the options are you either swallow it and carry on seeing them or let them go. It depends how valuable a part they are of your social circle. If you don’t reply and don’t turn up just be prepared that you might not hear from any of them again.

Yes it's a bit rubbish.