Struggling to make friends in my thirties after having a baby

[TheCornishGoodLife]

Hopefully it’s ok to post this under this topic 🙏
I wondered if I could pick your brains about friendships. In the last 5 years or so I’ve struggled more with making friends. I’m 32 and my husband is 34. I used to have no trouble at all with this - I was often known as being friendly and smiley. But I’d say that more recently I’ve had to do all the leg work and I can tell that people have been less keen. My husband has no trouble at all - when we meet other couples the man will often extend a hand out to him and ask to meet up, but for me with the woman, I often get the vibe they’re not interested in being friends with me, and I am doing all the initial leg work.
is it because I’m not as extroverted as my husband? I am naturally a little shy, so not as funny/fun to meet up with until I’ve warmed up a little. Although I’m not silent and awkward - I do make conversation.
I’m very anxious of not wanting to be too pushy or clingy, so I try not to go all in too hard, and I never like to outstay my welcome etc.
Since having my baby I also get a lot of social anxiety about going out about with her alone (she’s quite challenging and very full on compared with a lot of other babies), and I know I’m probably quieter and more distracted than I used to be. And my social battery always seems to be running very low even from the start. So I would say I’m less smiley and happy in general. So maybe that’s it? Kind of sad in a way. But I’ve lost my touch and don’t know what to do about it :( any advice? Thanks so much xx

Why do you feel like you have to make new friends? What happend to the ones you had?
I never made it my mission although I do naturally connect with some people (through work or hobbies) who, over time, move from casual acquaintances to closer friendships. Things definitely shifted for me when I stopped worrying about being "too much" or "overstaying my welcome". I am being unapologetically myself and "my" people stick around. But, honestly, I have like five close friends ( moat scattered around the country/world) and the rest are just people I occasionally hang out with. And I am perfectly happy with that and don't feel the need to deliberately make any more.

Thank you so much for commenting, I really appreciate it. I do absolutely love my current friends, but unfortunately they’re friends that I’ve collected in school and uni, and we don’t live near one another. So I do see them, but it’s only feasible to see them once in a while. So I’m trying to build up some local friendships to avoid me getting too lonely. Particularly whilst I’m on mat leave. Although I am very fortunate to say that my sister is genuinely my closest friend and I would hang out with very 24/7 if I could!
Unfortunately my work is a huge company, I work from home and it is generally very anonymous. So the opportunity for work friends is slim. I only really have the opportunity to interact with my boss during the work day.
But you are so right - I need to be more unapologetically me. Thank you :)

Do you go to baby groups? With each of my kids I made a lovely group of friends there although a lot of them turned out to be situational friends so only a few survived long term.

How old is your baby?

It's proximity theory.
Its why first time mums tend to do nct or bump and me or whatever....so you habe a few faces to moan to 😅

Find a few church and baby groups or breastfeeding cafes or council run groups or drop in centres or nct groups (ours did walk and talks ' there were 100s in the group it was borough wide (not 6 women iyswim) and anywhere from 4 to 30 women would turn up on an ad hoc basis.

Peanut app is a kind a of local mum tinder.

You really just need 2-3 mums vaguely local with babies born within 3m of yours...

I walked locally A LOT with both my kids and actually made a couple of local mum friends / acquaintances by bumping into them so much and saying "oh do you want to walk this way together and have a chat?"

As someone else said, do you go to baby groups? Or other places that people with babies/small children congregate such as playgrounds, kid friendly cafes or local nature reserves or libraries etc during the school day?

Most of my "best mum friends" for maternity leave I met through a variety of the above - some at NCT and pregnancy yoga, and some at groups in church halls etc. On the whole, we initially stuck to "safe" topics about our babies, comparing their milestones, giving advice etc... after we went back to work, I barely saw them again despite living very locally. Most of them had further babies (I have an only child) so they kept in touch more, I think. And that is ok - you need friends for circumstance as well as "best" friends. I am in my late 30s (my son is 7 now) and my best friends are mostly people I did A levels or went to uni with, and these people (and their kids/spouses) are all in our lives but we only see each other a couple of times a year max as we live quite literally all over the world. Then I have "circumstance friends" which I would put a lot of my "mum friends" in - I get on well with them, but would we be friends if our kids werent in the same group/class so we saw eachother regularly? Probably not. And that is also fine. What it feels like you need to do is find these "circumstance friends" for you to spend time with now whilst you are alone with your baby, and if you are shy then use your daughter - wander up to another lone adult and ask a simple question about their child to get them talking - age is often a good basic starting point, as then you can compare/contrast.

Does your sister have children? Even if she doesnt and lives locally, would she be up for going with you to a baby class/meet up so you are not going alone?

Thank you so much. Yes, I have an NCT group who are lovely, but I am not always able to meet up when they do - they all live within walking distance from one another so meet up multiple times a week. I try to go to as many meet ups as I can, but I live very rurally and quite out of the way, so it’s trickier to go to every one. It always feels like such an ordeal to get there, and I always seem to be late. But I’ll persevere. I’ve invited a few of them for dog walks and to our house for coffee. But it’s always me that initiates. Although maybe that’s because I’m not able to go to all the meet ups, so I’m not at the forefront of their minds. Thank you so much for commenting, I really appreciate it :)

Thank you for your message :) she’s 4 months, so I feel like I’m still figuring it all out.
But it does feel as though everyone else seems to be coping better than me. I feel like I go everywhere in a fluster and stress with so much stuff because I’m constantly having to manage a very fussy baby. She doesn’t nap unless we’re home, and so when we’re out she gets very overtired and needs constant stimulation every second. She doesn’t allow me to sit and have a nice chilled coffee or picnic. I’m always standing and jigging and walking around while everyone else is sat chatting, so it’s hard to have good conversation, and I always feel burnt out so quickly by it all, so I’m probably not the most fun company to be with. The only thing that works is walks with her in the carrier.
I love your idea of bumping into people and initiating things.
I did do NCT and my group are lovely, but I’m not able to get together with them all as much as they get together, so I’m naturally not so close as they are to one another, and I’m always the one initiating which makes me feel sort of like I’m bothering them. I think I’m in danger of becoming a bit of a hermit because it’s just so so much easier and less stressful to stay at home.
I might explore some other mum and baby groups like you mention, and branch out a bit. I’ll also try Peanut App - I’d never heard of that so that’s super helpful!
Thank you so much!

Getting out sounds like your real underlying issue.

If its you being ready consider switching to evening showers. Etc

On sleep...
Have you got a snuz shade? Maybe a rockit?
For the pram
I trained mine to sleep out and about because I couldnt be trapped indoors all summer.
Admittedly once they got to a year or so and were on one nap and we did that at home as they slept longer better and I just accepted if something was happening 1-3.30 we werent going 😅

Getting baby ready....

I would have a decent go bag ready to go as it will make your life easier. I empty and top mine up when I come home before sitting down.

• zip lock nag with small outfit change
• Ziplock with bib and dummy
• nappy Change bag
• if you formula feed just get a few rapidcools and keep one permanently in the bag. Pair with nuk powder dispensers (its 100% the best one) then grab a bottle from fridge

when baby is older ziplock with spoons and a few pouches / banana / baby biscuit things)

Side note on bottles: we had 3 and were perpetually running out. It took me.ages to realise I could just buy 6 and sterilise 1 x per day 🫠🫠🫠

Fwiw I enjoy parenting toddlers x 100000 vs newborns / under 1 yr so hang in there...

Lots of women experience a challenge with friendship when they become mums. It’s probably not you doing something wrong. Often women without children don’t tend to befriend mums of babies (generalisation here but in my experience true) but equally mums of babies are also feeling depleted and stretched. So tend to stick with a small circle.
Are you planning on staying at home with the baby or going back to work? I was at home for a few years and I did make friends but it was hard and I was very tired! Whereas when the kids were 5plus and I was working it was much easier.

Thank you so much :) I did do NCT classes and my group are super lovely, but I live rurally and much further out than they do to one another, so they are able to meet up far more frequently than I am. So naturally they’re all so much closer to one another and have much more to talk about because they do so much together. And as a result, I’m always the one initiating meet ups with me which makes me feel like I’m being needy/bothering them.
I think maybe I’m expecting too much too soon. Maybe I’m expecting super close friends like my friends from school and uni. But as you mention, I think I need to think of them as more like circumstance friends for now and maybe one or two will develop into closer friendships.
Thank you also for the idea to go with my sister - she doesn’t have kids but she adores her niece and would really enjoy going to things with me. Thank you so much :)

I think your answer is to see your nct friends more and make an effort to go to all thr meet ups. You will get increasingly left out otherwise

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It's just that your group finds it just as hard to travel as you do, and has less incentive to do so. It's no one's fault, but I can also see that having a high energy baby makes things trickier.

Just keep trying.

I had a fussy (nightmare!) baby too, so do sympathise. As other mums were peacefully chatting I was always on edge waiting for next gastric explosion!

In the end, I found a book group really good for meeting new friends. It was only once a month, but there were no babies there, so we could really talk - and no awkward silences as we always had the book to talk about.

With a 4 month old, I think you're expecting too much too soon as everything that you are experiencing (issues getting out, feeling isolated, thinking your baby is "worse" than the others) is likely exactly the same as they are... and in terms of your relationship with them, it is really early so they will naturally opt for the "easy" option of going to a house around the corner instead of (driving?) to see you. If you want these mums to be in your life then you (unfortunately) need to make a bit more of an effort to meet up just due to your circumstances, and the more you get out of the house the easier it will become. As the months go on, you will get more confident in yourself as a mum and you will know your child better meaning what feels like a massive task now will become SO much easier... but only if you start getting out of the house ideally on a daily basis (even if it is just for a walk, or to your sisters) now you have recognised that this is an issue. Someone else mentioned restocking your bag as soon as you get home (or get your partner to do it as one of his tasks) then it is ready to go for the next time. You can also find some other groups (church halls/community centres usually have something on) and venture out with your sister to see if there something else that you can get to more easily, and then ask the other mums if they fancy joining you at X next time.

You also mentioned that your baby does not nap when out - this is something you really need to try to resolve as it could be the crux of all of your other issues. The wake windows are really short (around 90 minutes) so unless you are out for a really short time, baby needs to sleep whilst you are out. If you wait until they look tired, then they are over tired (which is some advice I found massively helpful!) so start just putting them down for a nap around 90 minutes after they wake up even if they look like they are still happy. I used a free website for working out nap times... I can't find it now, but my friend uses the free advice from Huckleberry: huckleberrycare.com/blog/4-month-olds-and-sleep

Do not stress the small stuff: Baby will sleep eventually. Nobody has a textbook baby, you are only seeing the front view and more tiring moments are less visible. Your baby is perfect for you but exhausting. It's the same for every first time mum. Enjoy the company of other people as much as you can. If they don't want to mix with you that's fine as well. Let all the stress of other people flow over you, like rain.

Do what makes you happy as much as possible and baby will be happy.

School and uni friends are almost certainly going to be your most enduring friendships. Cultivate them. Invite them to visit once or twice a year for a catch up.

I can’t say I made many lasting friendships from having a baby (or at the school gate either). You are thrust together because you had a baby at a similar time. You almost certainly have very little in common. Where I have made friends post baby: neighbours, work (a big one!), and a support group for people with a chronic illness. Because in each of these situations, we had meaningful things in common.

Our closest friends are still friends from school and uni though we only live close to one of them. We keep in touch in other ways and plan trips to see each other maybe once a year.

I also have acquaintances (wouldn’t call them friends but we message and we chat at school events) in dc’s friends parents. But this doesn’t really happen until the birthday party years, sleepovers, arranging car sharing for teens to get to things.

Generally, if you want local friends, focus on making friends through places where you’d find people you have more in common with than babies.

Bumble bff