How to handle partner's high conflict ex

[BrickStork]

So I’m a mom of 2 myself & I’ve always said I’d never date someone with kids.
well I’ve found myself in a long distance relationship with a man with kids and a high conflict ex wife/ childrens mother.
I’ve met her once just to say hello. And it’s like from that moment forward she’s made it a mission to start some kind of drama when I’m around. mind you she’s in a long term relationship herself.
ive never given her a reason not to like me but yet she’s telling her kids that since im not around all the time to not get attached or have any expectations of me. That she doesn’t want them around me. And even makes sure to call me a different name. Knowing she has said my name and is aware of it. I’ve been in the picture for over a year. She’s only known for about 6 months.
either way, I want to call her out on it so bad. My boyfriend just lets her talk her crap because at the end of the day it doesn’t bother him. But she’s went as far as to say the kids are affected by him being with me because we’re on the phone a lot. Which is BS if anything I’m keeping him in check.
I just can’t wrap my head around why a women who has her own relationship to worry about it worried about me. The only thing I can think of is that she feels threatened.
anyways, anyone have any advice as to how to handle this situation. That every time I’m there or he visits me she makes sure to stir the pot some how and I’m over it. Someone needs to put her in her place.

I don't feel that it is anything you need to handle. How is this information reaching you at all? If your boyfriend is passing on what she said, then ask him to stop. You are in a long distance relationship so, presumably, your contact with her is limited.

she Makes sure to call and start things while I’m with him. Which is how I know most of it. Other times the kids have told him while I’m on the phone.

What are your relationship goals? Is this a long-term relationship? How many years until your children are flown and you are both free to relocate without worrying about maintaining proximity to the other parent?

Or to put these questions another way, is this something you even need to worry about right now?

Your bf is hugely at fault here.

Our goal is to eventually close the gap but it will be at least 5 years or so. So I guess you can say we aren’t focused on that right now. We’re more focused on connecting and trying to see each other and/or have things planned.

I agree in a way. I’ve definitely brought up multiple times that he needs to put his foot down when it comes to her bringing me & our relationship up. But he chooses not to because then it would seem like he cares what she has to say. I call BS but I don’t fight him on it. But I do know at the end of the day she won’t stop unless he tells her off. But he knows/thinks that if he does she can make life even more miserable and even hold the kids against him. So he picks & chooses his battles.

This is a long distance thing of a little over a year. Why is your BF putting you in the middle of his high conflict relationship with his ex? Why do you want to be in a relationship that comes with so much drama? This is not going to improve. This sounds like an unstable setup that is not beneficial for the kids getting drug along in their parents' drama. Why doesn't he focus on his kids when they're with him rather than spending so much time on the phone with you they're complaining to their mom?

You're not the person to put your bf's ex in her place. He is and he doesn't. He's fine with her drama and dragging you into it too. She's not going anywhere, they have to co-parent together.

Does he have a custody order through the court? Then she can't withhold.

I'd be long gone myself.

You're having to keep the grown man in check, so he doesn't spend too much time on the phone when looking after his children?

You live a long way away, she doesn't have your number - just ignore for the presumably short periods you're there. Let them sort their conflict between them.

Honestly, weird that you've had any contact at all with her. There's no reason you should be "handling" his ex-wife in any way.

Ignore and stay out of it. But I would also be seriously considering ending the relationship because he sounds useless.

What ‘place’ do you want her put in?

So much drama for a LDR of only a year. It doesn't seem worth the hassle, it would be easier to end it now. Agree with others though, there was no need for your BF to get you involved with his ex and even less reason for you to have any involvement with her.

It’s not her you should be putting ‘in check’ it’s your boyfriend. Feels awfully like he is triangulating you. This is a red flag.

Doesn't really matter if he has a thousand good traits. The fact that being in his world brings you regular and unnecessary high stress should be the dealbreaker that overrules any good in the relationship. He has his own back and his ex's over yours. Is that really your ideal of a forever love? If so, you don't have your own back so if you stay, it's ironically sending them both the message that you don't value yourself, so why should they?

There are no do-overs for your one precious life. You can exit this toxic situation in order to eventually be ready to date again and find someone who is your soft pillow to land on, not someone who introduces regular negativity into your life. He shouldn't date unless and until he has a healthy co-parenting situation, which may or may not happen. But that'll be no concern of yours once you put him in your rear-view mirror.