Decoding tipsy chat about marriage

[foodlovefood]

Been with DP over 5 years, both late 40s. He more or less lives with me for 6 nights a week. Still has his own place but it’s going on the market soon and he’ll move in properly. His equity will go towards my mortgage and we’ll get everything sorted legally.

He was married before for only 1 year, divorced 4 years before we met. He also has an adult child from a previous long-term relationship but they never married.

I’ve never been married and don’t have kids. I was engaged years ago. I’d like to get married, but it’s not a dealbreaker. We’ve talked about it before and both said it wouldn’t really change anything day-to-day, especially as finances etc will be sorted anyway. It’s not high on the list.

Yesterday we were at an event and I was driving, and he was quite tipsy. On the way home he randomly asked if marriage was my end goal. I said if he asked I wouldn’t say no, but I wouldn’t be upset if it didn’t happen. Joked that I’d at least like a diamond ring.

He then said his first wedding cost about £15k and was basically an expensive party and in retrospect wished he hadn’t spent the money. I said I wouldn’t want anything like that — small, just close family, maybe a nice pub. We joked about eloping but definitely agreed we didn’t want to spend lots of money.

Then a bit out of nowhere he said we should get our parents together as it’s time they met. This is quite a big thing as he’s not very family-oriented, and my family live 5 hours away but are actually visiting this week. His dad lives down the road and we only see him a few times a year.

Then he kind of backtracked and said not to overthink it, and he is happy and in no rush to marry. But he is a man of few emotions and has never had a full conversation about it. He did confess a year ago out of the blue, that when we first started dating that he knew I was the one. I joked that he probably felt like that with his first wife. He said no, I was different- calming, felt comfortable at day 1 with me like he had known me all his life.

Not really sure what to make of it — mixed signals or just him thinking out loud?

@foodlovefood I think he wants to be married to you. What a lovely way to describe knowing you were his one. Are you nervous? You mentioned joking in your replies twice. Lovely posts like this don't come up often here. Xx

I think he’s thinking about it but not quite ready to propose to you.

I think he sounds genuine. Hope you are both very happy together x

he was tipsy you admit. Who knows what he thinks when sobers up

Yeah we are happy. I joked as I wasn’t sure he was serious.

I do wonder if he was testing the water.

No I am not nervous if he asks. More nervous that he picks a bad ring. He is more showy and I am more simple.

I don't see what the issue is. Nothing cryptic.
He clearly is committed and wanting parents to meet is probs his way to sort of confirming your future together.

Do you really want to be married to ‘a man of few emotions’ who has to be drunk to discuss marriage or even your parents meeting, five years in?

Notice the number of times in your posts you used the word ‘joked’.

You ‘joked’ that you’d like a diamond ring.

You ‘joked’ about eloping.

You ‘joked’ that he’d probably thought his first wife was ‘the one’ too.

You ‘joked’ because ‘you weren’t sure he was serious’.

Is this really the way you want your life to be, having to wait till he’s drunk before he suggests anything to do with your relationship, and you joking because you’re not sure if he’s serious or if it’s the drink talking?

Wow, really, that’s what you took from what OP wrote? You and I have a very different relationship with the world.

Talk about it more when he's sober.

IME , alcohol is truth juice, so likely he wants to marry you.

OTOH, reading what he said about his previous wedding makes it sound like he is confusing a wedding with a marriage.

This ❤️

Doesn't sound like mixed signals at all. Sounds like he's realised he wants to marry you and, with a bit of Dutch courage, is testing the waters given that there have been reservations and non-committal positions on both sides previously.

Thing is, you had an agreed position where marriage wasn't the priority. It wasn't a litmus test of your relationship nor how much you care for each other. So it's a big thing if he wants to shift that - both in terms of the things he's already worrying about (like expense) and worrying about whether it's something you actually want (yes, you've said you'd like it, but you've also given the impression you're not especially bothered and have repeatedly reacted to these conversations with jokes that indicate you don't take it seriously).

I've been there! When I got together with DH I made it clear I didn't really believe in marriage and neither expected nor wanted a proposal. It was a decade before we started tentatively bringing up the conversation about marriage (pretty sure we were both tipsy the first time, too) and it was for a very specific legal/practical reason, not because of romance.

I think that all that joking, and the fact that the OP actually says that she joked because she wasn’t ‘sure he was serious’ because this entire conversation only took place because he was tipsy, and describes her partner as ‘a man of few emotions’ suggests she’s in a five year cohabiting relationship that has communication problems, yes.

I mean, would you really want to be have a conversation about the future of your relationship, in your late forties, after five years, with a man who’s only brought it up because he’s drunk?

I agree. I’m amazed you’ve been together all this time and never discussed marriage or the kind of wedding you’d like! Stop beating around the bush. You’re not nervous young kids any more. Why are you afraid of speaking plainly and honestly with each other about these things?

We have great communication. We have talked about marriage before and it wasn’t something we both were not desperate to do as we didn’t want kids. Merging life’s and finances was enough.

I joked as I was shocked he brought it up as thought it was put to bed. Dutch courage was used. He just wanted to see where I was on marriage.