Should I Stay or Should I Go Now…?

[WhatTheFuzzyDuckling]

Would you stay with this person even if you’d been together a long time and had children together?

-works 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off and earns a good wage
-books nice holidays and buys gifts for occasions e.g birthdays/Christmas (I’m not materialistic and don’t ask for these things but that’s his way)
-in 2 weeks off does minimal around the house, although he insists he does
-often needs waking up on time off at 7am himself when I get the kids up for school
-often gets 8-9 hours sleep during on shift time but rarely even walks our family pet or does basic jobs in the house before leaving for work
-often short tempered with the kids and rarely plays or takes them out on his own
-needs reminders to shower/brush teeth (no intimacy or affection for a long time and on my part has strongly deteriorated because of this)
-leaves me and the kids at social events when he decides he’s had enough
-can’t have a constructive conversation (shouts and walks away and then pretends it never happened)
-acts totally different in front of others e.g colleagues or people he doesn’t know well
-close family members notice these things and brush it under the carpet
-my friends are starting to see the burn out effect in me from constantly being switched on

I feel like I can anticipate the responses now I’ve read this back but I don’t understand why I can’t seem to reassure myself that I’m not crazy and this isn’t a fair balanced relationship.
For reference, I also work full time but spend a lot of time alone with the kids on evenings/weekends.

I can’t imagine anyone is happy in this home so don’t kid yourself you’re staying for the kids.

He sounds gross
Relationship sounds dead

No, what are you getting out of it apart from a few holidays & gifts? Seems like he thinks those things negate the need for him to step up in other areas.
Being horrible to the kids & lacking basic hygiene would be enough for me to walk to be honest.

You have posted a lot of negatives. Now tell me five positives this man brings to your life. What supportive and loving things does he do?

Thank you for the replies.

You’re right, I try my best to make it as happy as I can for the kids by taking them out and making the most of our time together when he’s on shift but they’re getting older and I don’t want to set that example for them.

In all honesty @Offredismysister I’m really not sure, I don’t even want the gifts, to me gifts mean nothing without the support behind them.

@LittleGreenDragons is it bad that all I can think of is that he financially makes sure the home is secure and the kids have all they need? I can’t say that he doesn’t work hard but he often chooses to work overtime instead of doing tasks at home that would benefit the whole family- particularly me as my time off is spent catching up on house jobs and rushing along to make sure the kids get to have a fun weekend/attend activities too.

But all of this said, for some reason I feel so so guilty at the thought of turning my kids lives upside down if I leave.

It will be in their interest.

A happy place to grow up… this is not

I think deep down I know you’re right but I met him when I was very young, probably my only real adult relationship and I’m absolutely terrified that I can’t go it alone and provide a financially stable life for my children.
I’m so scared of letting them down and I have a feeling from previous conversations that he’s likely to make my life and the childcare balance (so I can continue to work) really difficult.

You will only let them down if you continue to show them this dead relationship between your man and you. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You will likely thrive on your own with your kids without him dragging you all down with him into his pit. You have dc, you do not additionally need a manchild.

And you’re pretty much alone now in this relationship and that’s a bad place to be in.

That is why i only asked you for five and you didn't manage one that was loving and supportive of you. Keeping the house secure benefits him more as it's a base for him with a ready-made housekeeper.

Why would the kids lives be turned upside down by the way? You say he works extra to avoid them , he doesn't do anything around the house to make their lives easier or nicer and he shouts. People move houses all the time so it can't be that as a reason. Can you clarify why it will be so horrible for them?

Honestly I know you’re right. My family have never experienced marriage breakdown/separation and I’m not completely sure that’s always been the best option but I feel like it’s been engrained in me somewhere to keep trying.

I recognise that my children will pick up on this unhealthy dynamic and I desperately want to avoid it for them repeating the pattern in adulthood.

You’re right, I am lonely in this relationship and have been for years. I’ve tried counselling (asked for couples counselling but he didn’t want to), medication, keeping busy…but it’s not improved anything. All I dream of is someone to care about me at the end of a long day- even just a hug! Family life is hard and I understand that but I’ve tried various ways of expressing this to him to no avail.

That said, he is unwilling to amicably separate because he said he doesn’t give up on things, yet has made no noticeable effort to improve the relationship either. My head feels so foggy.

That said, he is unwilling to amicably separate because he said he doesn’t give up on things, yet has made no noticeable effort to improve the relationship either.
Remember that old saying. Actions speak louder than words.

Because I’ve never had an independent adult life. I realise now how young and naive I was.

I’m not certain- particularly in the current financial climate- that I would be able to provide a home/life for them in a safe area of where we live and that feels scary as hell to take them from the home they have, to the unknown.

How do you manage childcare while hes away right now? Do you have a support system? Are you married? Have you got any savings? Do you have somone to put important documents if you do decide to leave.
My ex was very similar and very emotionally abusive in private. We fled due to a sudden collapse in his mental health that lead to escaladed abuse but before I'd been planning to leave while knowing i would be doing everything that was needed on my own and he was not going to be somone i could rely on. But I had great family support, i spoke to womans aid which helped, i got counselling which reslly helped and I settled us in our new home and realised how much easier my life was without him. 5 years on the only regret is not leaving ealier. Me and the kids have been happier since our first night away from him.

Thank you so much for your response, it gives me hope that things will work out 🙏🏽

I am fortunate that family will step in on a needs must basis but I’ve recently changed careers and no longer have the school holidays off. I used to manage childcare pretty much alone and now do this with support from family when he’s on shift. I find it very difficult to ask for help as most of my family seem inconvenienced when I reach out. I genuinely think they would be happy if I shut up and put up.

Your strength and courage gives me hope that I’m slowly getting there. We are married and I have secretly started to put what I can aside but I’ve no real understanding of what position I’d be in if I left.

I would seek legal advice discretely re divorce because knowledge is power.

Your man is all talk and no action. I wonder if he targeted you because you were both naive and perhaps a lot younger than he at the time. Having no real family support made you more vulnerable as well.

He says he won’t amicably separate as he doesn’t give up on things. He gave up on the marriage and being a good Dad years ago.

School holidays you will have to try and find a childminder, holiday clubs, unpaid parental leave. I mean a miracle may happen and he’ll actually want to have shared care of the DC when he isn’t working.

Financially you should get at least 50% of all marital assets (including pensions) after marital debts are taken into account.

He will never go to counselling because he thinks he’s doing nothing wrong here re you. If counselling is to be at all considered go on your own.

You say you recently changed careers. Is it going to result in the same pay level, or is it higher? If the same, look at the possibility of furthering your education or training in order to earn higher paying career, if this could be done in a two-year period. Easier when you have your husband there if this meant a few nights a week where he'd be watching the children so you could take night classes remotely or in person, or on weekends if that's part of the schedule.

Even if you don't want to immediately divorce, you can still have a consultation for legal counsel. It might clear up your worries and can clarify things. Knowledge is power. Does he have a pension and do you need to be married a minimum of years to receive half or a percentage? Does he have some retirement savings you would be entitled to a percentage of upon divorce? That also might depend on how many years you've been married according to your territory's rules.

When you say you can't rely on your family too much. Do you have friends with kids whom you could trade some babysitting hours with?

In the meantime, you could tell him you're feeling exhausted lately and could he sit down with you to draw up a daily task list that would be posted as a reminder, and let him think he's in control by asking him which tasks he dislikes the most and which tasks he doesn't mind doing. And then tell him your likes and dislikes. Then have him actively helping to come up with a chore chart that's fair. Of course, if there are things the kids are old enough to perform, add them to the chart.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

@AttilaTheMeerkat on some level I can’t deny that I’m beginning to wonder the same. I’m not a financially demanding wife and I respect people’s time and presence more than what they’re able to provide but that’s just me alone, and I now have two children who need safety and consistency in terms of housing/lifestyle.
I have been to counselling twice, independently, I just can’t seem to find the confidence in myself to take the leap. Interestingly, it highlighted that my self-esteem, energy and outlook on life was heavily influenced by my relationship but I can’t shake the fear and I feel spineless because of that.
@RandomMess thankfully the only debt we have is the mortgage but re. Finances, he has a more valuable pension than I do as I worked a low paid, part time job until the children were in full time education. I would probably have to leave the property as he could afford to buy me out and has already said he wouldn’t leave this house.

@ScorpionLioness79 thank you so much for your advice and ideas, I’ll definitely take them on board.

It is an increase and it’s a job that I love, where there is also room for progression which is what I’ve wanted for some time now. It’s been increasingly challenging whilst I’ve trained but the end is in sight and I hope that it’s something that will open doors for options in terms of housing, lifestyle, childcare affordability.

I’m lucky that I do have amazing friends. I think they would help me out and they have done on occasions- I think my own head makes me feel like a burden at times though when the majority of my friends are coupled up and managing their lives between them and I’m the one who actually needs the support. I know in time that I will be able to return the favour so I reassure myself with that fact.

First of all get a one off solicitor's appointment to find out your rights.

All assets get put into one pot and it starts from a 50/50 split. Whoever has the children overnight more will get a bigger share etc. Those assets are house equity, savings, investments, pensions, expensive hobby equipment, cars, everything.

Once children reach 11yrs they will get a say in who they will live with and I suspect that will probably be you, so don't worry about any custody threats he might make.

Go on to a benefits checker to see if you could be entitled to anything (a single person's council tax is one thing you will be entitled to). You might get help with rent but double check this.

Go to rightmove and see what is out there. Keep tweaking location and size. And tweak again.

As someone who left a long marriage whilst unable to work due to ill health, it is doable. Difficult yes, but doable. Charity shops exist, second hand furniture shops exist, Aldi and Lidl exist, Primark and supermarket clothing exist. Your lifestyle will change but so will your mental, emotional and physical health for ALL of you and that is priceless.

Only you can decide.

If there were no significant changes in him, and assuming you've tried endlessly to communicate what you need in a partner, how long would you want to live like this?

Leaving the house isn’t a reason to stay. You can pick something cheaper to run, cosier and a location that works really well.

He will have to adjust for his pension etc. plus if you will need to be primary carer then you may get more than 50% especially as the lower earner needing to house the DC with a more limited mortgage capacity.

You need recommendations of solicitors that get good outcomes for those in financial positions such as yours.