Has anyone left a marriage to find happiness elsewhere

[GentleDuck]

Has anyone left their DH and gave up a good life to find happiness? Long term married with kids under 12, almost left twice recently but parents and DH told me I'm mad and my mum has actually made me feel like she'd disown me. But DH says he's disown me and my parents etc. Having very very strong urges to be with other men which has been there for longer than two years. Dont want sex with DH but craving elsewhere. I don't think I've ever felt sexually attracted to him, but was sold the married dream and that's what I wanted and I got it. Given up on the idea that marriage is the be all and end all. And men for that matter. Was not very sexually active before getting married, and lost it with DH about 11 years ago. Absolutely dont know how to cope. Lots of issues in the marriage which DH is willing to do most things to keep me. He's ab avoidant, heavy drinker and our connection and communication has always been poor since even before kids. Is this a midlife crisis. I feel mentally very strong but and have so much ambition and things inside me I need to just let out but not sure it fits with my current life!! It's breaking my DH knowing i could leave at any time. There's no villain here but everything at stake. We've spent years working in our problems but only now where I've told my parents and him that I'm serious that I can't stop thinking about it. It's a realisation that I haven't spoken up properly or been heard by them fir many years. Has Anyone navigated similar? I feel now I'm a certain age I've finally found out who I am and craving something but else. Always lived by the rules but fee like I can't pretend anymore. I can't hurt my DH anymore than I am. Completely stuck. Feel like going away somewhere on my own could help find clarity. How can I gain clarity. Please be kind.

I think you should separate. I don't necessarily think you'll be happier but no one is happy with the current situation. People can make threats about 'disowning' you but they don't own you anyway so that's just silly.

Have you thought about the practicalities. You would have to make this work for your children before you consider any other relationship for yourself. You would need at least a couple of years of putting their needs before your own.

Do you think you could do that?

You categorically do not have a good life. Not even close.

@WallaceinAnderland thank you for your reply. Naturally kids do come first. My kids spend a fair amount at my parents because I work ft and don't get a lot of annual leave and I've chosen to bring them up in a way to avoid them being super clingy, so during the holidays we do have a week or so apart and that suits us. Practically I don't know what is best in terms of who has them when. But I feel the important thing is to keep the kids in the family home and explore the idea of nesting. I see ways it could work but obviously it depends on the kids and what DH would consider too. We haven't got that far in conversation. Otter than he said id have to move out. Which seeing as it's me wanting this, is have to make the bigger sacrifices. Would love some practical options

@Patientlywaited81 can I ask which bit you are referring to please 😳

From start to finish
All sounds ghastly

Do you own your house or rent?

@WallaceinAnderland we have a mortgage together so own it. Probably 200k equity in total right now

You'd need to see a solicitor who will be able to advise based on your actual circumstances. It may be that the house will have to be sold. Or it may be that one of you could move out but you should not accept a 'bigger sacrifice'. Marriages break down all the time and you can leave for any reason.

Time to LTB. And don’t take less than half of that equity. Do not feel guilty and settle for less than what you need to start a new life elsewhere.

It sounds to me like you’ve never really had a good relationship with this man and you probably never will. Life is short.

Just because you are the one making the decision to end the marriage doesn't mean that you need to make the bigger sacrifices. Relationships end, someone has to make the call to end it. Get legal advice, and focus on what would be best for the kids, and take it from there.

Doesn't sound like a life OP, more of an existence. i think you know the answer.

Yes. Divorced as was utterly miserable in my marriage. It's a difficult road, but one that gets easier as you go on. I'm very happy now. As previous posters have said, you know the answer.

@GentleDuck - I am divorced, and have a lot of divorced friends...
My perspective - your posts seems to me like you are in a mid-life crisis. The - wanting to sleep with other men is so telling, and so typical.

(side note - men get judged so much over same sentiment in midlife, but not the same for women)

As to your question - about women leaving to find happiness... Yes I know a few women in their 40s leaving OK marriages in search of excitement and looking for happiness. I'd be brutally honest - excitement (=sex) is easy enough to find. Happiness is less so.

By all means - if you are unhappy, leave. But do not count on finding happiness. Leaving needs to be a better option for YOU than staying. In other words - you need to think you'd be happier on your own than staying. If that is true, leave.

(side note - men get judged so much over same sentiment in midlife, but not the same for women)

I would say the same to a man. If you're not happy in your relationship, leave it. You don't need permission.

Agree with this - why not actually work on what you have, if he doesnt want to or it doesnt work, then fine. Know a few women who have left for similar reasons and the grass was certainly not greener (one in particular)

I was in a 15 year relationship and I was miserable for at least 10. Every year I said I'm doing it this year, and got scared. I thought keeping my children with their dad was the right thing.
One day my teenage daughter said to me “mum why do you stay with him when he makes you so sad” I genuinely thought I hid it well but kids pick up on everything.
now I will say it has been HARD. But the feeling of relief I had was the best feeling in the word.
My ex made it difficult, he practically walked out on his girls for months and months. Was a total control tactic and I felt terribly guilty for it but I held firm and things have finally started to settle down.
if your unhappy - leave! Let your parents do what they want, in time they will come around. Don’t live another ten years and think you’ve wasted your life in misery.

Yup.

OP I was married to a good man, but we were essentially very different people. We separated when the DC were 2 & 4, then divorced. I initiated. Not because I was dreaming of other men, but because I wasn't happy. He wasn't either if he admitted it.

He's still a good man almost 18 years later, & a brilliant father.

I have found real happiness with my wonderful partner of 15 years. I can't tell you how different it is. We also have a child, & he's been a great step father to my 2 boys. I bought ex-H out & was able to keep the house, which I'm still in.

It is completely possible, however, leaving for 'other men' won't bode well for a smooth life afterwards if your DH & DC find this out.

Best of luck. You need to leave, but your DC are your priority, not your sex life- harsh but true.

I wouldn’t want to live with a heavy drinker; I wouldn’t fancy them either. If he’s not prepared to tackle that, why should you have to live it? Or your kids?

Just remember though, other men are not necessarily the answer, and with two youngish children, your opportunities will be scarce.