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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it normal for children to keep asking about an absent dad?

48 replies

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 18:46

I just wondered if anyone else had this experience as this keeps happening and im finding it a little odd now. My sons dad isnt involved but children at his school keep constantly asking him where his dad is… today my son came home and he said another kid kept asking him where his dad was, how often he sees him etc and he said “but he doesn’t live with you!” it’s happening a lot like more than what seems a normal amount as my son comes out all the time and tells me people keep asking him where his father is, this is secondary so it’s not like parents even come to the school for them to notice. He did also get it a lot in primary school, where’s your dad, why doesn’t he come to school, why doesnt he come to sports day… but I assumed that would die down in secondary as parents aren’t as involved anyway, reason im asking is it upsets my son and he doesn’t want people to know his father doesnt see him so he said he lies and pretends he does see him. Does this sound odd that they keep asking or is this normal in your experience if your kids don’t see their dad? Thought single parent families were quite common these days but the way he is being questioned seems like it’s not.

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OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 20:33

He knows about his father, he has met him it’s only the last few years theres been no contact, hes also said it since primary school. That children have asked why his father doesnt come to sports day.

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Patientlywaited81 · 27/04/2026 20:42

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 20:33

He knows about his father, he has met him it’s only the last few years theres been no contact, hes also said it since primary school. That children have asked why his father doesnt come to sports day.

No they haven’t! Loads of dads don’t come and loads of the kids will have split parents and a few will have absent fathers.

This is your son.

if he knows what you’ve told us - then he should just be honest

but the idea that teen boys are regularly making enquiries about someone’s dad is just not realistic

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 20:46

Patientlywaited81 · 27/04/2026 20:42

No they haven’t! Loads of dads don’t come and loads of the kids will have split parents and a few will have absent fathers.

This is your son.

if he knows what you’ve told us - then he should just be honest

but the idea that teen boys are regularly making enquiries about someone’s dad is just not realistic

You are saying he is lying? (The sports day was asked in primary)

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ConflictofInterest · 27/04/2026 20:55

Is it possible he's instigating the conversations but then relaying back just the parts they asked about? I've been asked about my absent father everywhere I went all through school and work when young, but when I thought about it it's because I tended to include it as part of introducing myself as a sort of 'funny fact' as I've never met my dad at all and that's pretty unusual. I used to wonder why people made such a big deal about it before realizing I was the one starting it all off-I keep quiet now I'm an adult and have never had any parent related questions since. I think I wanted to normalise it in some way by talking about it a lot.

OneShyQuail · 27/04/2026 20:56

I am also a teacher and find this very odd especially in this age range.

I could understand maybe if hes just started a new school? But if hes 14 and been at secondary for a few years its very odd indeed. Why would kids just keep asking and asking? A one off yes, but you make it sound like it goes on a lot.

My children have reported occasionally this happening but I can count on one hand the times and thats between two kids, and the said child who has asked does then not ask again.

I would second guess he is telling you all this for another reason.

Patientlywaited81 · 27/04/2026 21:01

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 20:46

You are saying he is lying? (The sports day was asked in primary)

I am saying he’s desperate to talk to you about his father . Does he know everything you’ve told us?

Yes I do think he’s fibbing. Possibly to attention seek with you. Also likely because he just wants to talk more about his dad.

category12 · 27/04/2026 21:12

Either he wants to talk about his dad, or his reaction at some point at school has shown a vulnerability and kids are prodding it deliberately.

I'd talk to him in case he's being bullied.

Patientlywaited81 · 27/04/2026 21:13

category12 · 27/04/2026 21:12

Either he wants to talk about his dad, or his reaction at some point at school has shown a vulnerability and kids are prodding it deliberately.

I'd talk to him in case he's being bullied.

Nailed it

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 21:33

ConflictofInterest · 27/04/2026 20:55

Is it possible he's instigating the conversations but then relaying back just the parts they asked about? I've been asked about my absent father everywhere I went all through school and work when young, but when I thought about it it's because I tended to include it as part of introducing myself as a sort of 'funny fact' as I've never met my dad at all and that's pretty unusual. I used to wonder why people made such a big deal about it before realizing I was the one starting it all off-I keep quiet now I'm an adult and have never had any parent related questions since. I think I wanted to normalise it in some way by talking about it a lot.

No he wouldn’t do that

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OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 21:34

Patientlywaited81 · 27/04/2026 21:01

I am saying he’s desperate to talk to you about his father . Does he know everything you’ve told us?

Yes I do think he’s fibbing. Possibly to attention seek with you. Also likely because he just wants to talk more about his dad.

Know what? I haven’t said much about him in the thread other than he doesn’t live anywhere near and isn’t known for any negative reasons and yes he does know that.

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OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 21:36

category12 · 27/04/2026 21:12

Either he wants to talk about his dad, or his reaction at some point at school has shown a vulnerability and kids are prodding it deliberately.

I'd talk to him in case he's being bullied.

Oh I think that could be it, it isnt something he wants people to know about so maybe his reaction has made that clear so they keep asking, that could make sense.

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Patientlywaited81 · 27/04/2026 21:39

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 21:34

Know what? I haven’t said much about him in the thread other than he doesn’t live anywhere near and isn’t known for any negative reasons and yes he does know that.

Well then you need to enlighten him
he is 14
and desperate to know more

cestlavielife · 27/04/2026 21:41

Your ds needs to know what he needs to know so he has a story to give whoever asks.
You can just carry on but it is part of who he is
Sit down write family tree
Decide what the true story is.
Eg
My dad lives away in xx country/county. He left when i was four. He had trouble with anger and had to leave. He used to be a xxxxx(job). I dont know what he does now.

And find a way to tell your ds he is loved and lovable.

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 21:41

Patientlywaited81 · 27/04/2026 21:39

Well then you need to enlighten him
he is 14
and desperate to know more

He knows about his father ive said that multiple times. No contact has only been the last couple of years…

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OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 21:42

cestlavielife · 27/04/2026 21:41

Your ds needs to know what he needs to know so he has a story to give whoever asks.
You can just carry on but it is part of who he is
Sit down write family tree
Decide what the true story is.
Eg
My dad lives away in xx country/county. He left when i was four. He had trouble with anger and had to leave. He used to be a xxxxx(job). I dont know what he does now.

And find a way to tell your ds he is loved and lovable.

He knows all about his father he has had contact with him. He knows all the details. No contact has only been the last couple of years. He doesn’t want other people to know he doesn’t see him.

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cestlavielife · 27/04/2026 21:44

So then he does know him?
My dad is a xxxjo b. I saw him last when i was 12. We went to the football. Now he lives in xxx. I dont see him. He is very tall. He loves chicken .

category12 · 27/04/2026 21:46

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 21:36

Oh I think that could be it, it isnt something he wants people to know about so maybe his reaction has made that clear so they keep asking, that could make sense.

I'd put money on it, to be honest. I reckon they've picked up on it being difficult for him and are picking at it. Kids can be little shits.

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 21:48

category12 · 27/04/2026 21:46

I'd put money on it, to be honest. I reckon they've picked up on it being difficult for him and are picking at it. Kids can be little shits.

Yeah I think it’s that, makes a lot of sense now thanks.

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Endofyear · 27/04/2026 22:46

This sounds like bullying to me. If he's looking uncomfortable with the questions and the other kids can see it, that's why they keep probing. I think you need to talk to your son about this some more and ask him if he thinks the kids are doing it to upset him. If he does think they are, I'd have a word with his Head of Year and let them know this is going on.

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 22:54

Oh right yes hes been bullied in the past (for different reasons) so that’s something to consider. I will speak to him in the morning.

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nopeandnopeandnope · 27/04/2026 22:57

ForAzureSeal · 27/04/2026 19:40

Is it possible nobody at school is asking and your DC is using it as a cover to ask questions/raise the topic? Truth is single parents are really not uncommon but it is uncommon to have zero contact with a non-resident parent.

This is my thought.

Lavender14 · 27/04/2026 23:19

I agree with the liklihood of it being kids picking at a sore spot if he's been cagey about it. Maybe have another chat with him and ask what he says to them when they bring it up. If they're digging for a reaction then the less he seems to care about it the quicker they'll get bored and realise he's more resilient than first thought. You could also speak to the school.

I think he needs to have some lines prepared so he doesn't need to think on the spot what to say and can practice those.

The other thing worth considering is if someone has spread a rumour that ds isn't aware of yet and the others are digging to see what they can find out.

I don't think it's uncommon for non resident parents to have no contact tbh. Families are so diverse now, plus you've parents who pass away, kids who are adopted or fostered or live in kinship care. I generally find young people are pretty accepting of diversity much quicker than their parents.

OnionRingss · 27/04/2026 23:29

Lavender14 · 27/04/2026 23:19

I agree with the liklihood of it being kids picking at a sore spot if he's been cagey about it. Maybe have another chat with him and ask what he says to them when they bring it up. If they're digging for a reaction then the less he seems to care about it the quicker they'll get bored and realise he's more resilient than first thought. You could also speak to the school.

I think he needs to have some lines prepared so he doesn't need to think on the spot what to say and can practice those.

The other thing worth considering is if someone has spread a rumour that ds isn't aware of yet and the others are digging to see what they can find out.

I don't think it's uncommon for non resident parents to have no contact tbh. Families are so diverse now, plus you've parents who pass away, kids who are adopted or fostered or live in kinship care. I generally find young people are pretty accepting of diversity much quicker than their parents.

thank you I will have a proper chat with him in the morning, he’s definitely probably come across as cagey so that makes sense. I didn’t think it was that uncommon either. I grew up without a father and don’t remember ever being asked about him! So thought it would have been more common now a days

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