Ended friendship

[Looneytune253]

I ended a friendship of 10+ years very recently as I found out the woman was having an affair with another close friends husband. I was so close to this woman but I just can’t quite get past what she did. We usually spent every day together working and I’m not quite sure where to go from here. I’ve been so tempted to reach out but I’m not sure I can get past what she did, not to mentioned we have been supporting the other friend.

Have you heard her side of the story, or do you feel hearing it would betray the other friend?

I don't think you need to be so judgemental. I could still remain friends

I have spoken to her once since we found out and there was a lot more to it. Including blackmail (from the man) but i just can’t get past the fact she had actually betrayed our friend. And actually made her think she was going a bit crazy.

I don’t think I’m being judgemental when it’s completely broken my other friend. I don’t think that’s judgmental at all but I would be open to hearing why you say so?

Your friend has done an incredibly shitty thing to your mutual friend. You’re allowed to judge her. She’s shown herself to be capable of truly treacherous behaviour.

I suppose it is judgmental, but validly so. Some things should be judged harshly. Sleeping with your friend's husband is pretty up there.

@Looneytune253 she created this mess when she made the choice to betray her friend so vilely. She has to have known that it would tear your friendships apart. You're doing the right thing by standing by your friend who was the victim of these two selfish, immoral bastards. Not to mention gaslighting her into thinking she was crazy? Utterly awful person.

Yes we were all very close friends.

It sounds as though you will probably have to choose between them and you have made the right choice.

The only mitigating factor might be if the OW was the one who brought it all to light. How did the affair become known?

Rumours had been flying around (it had been going on for years) but we were told definitively by a mutual friend and we told her she had to come clean.

And i agree with @moderate - you will almost certainly have to choose sides - i don’t see how you can be on the fence about something like this. The fact that it’s been going on for years shows how duplicitous she has been.

Years-long? I can’t see how you could ever trust her again to the extent required for anything more than arms-length acquaintanceship.

You have done absolutely the right thing OP.

Actually you now realise you didn't even know her at all because you were seeing the facade she was putting up to hide her nasty betraying real self.

How absolutely devastating for your friend to discover she was being betrayed not only by her H but by someone she considered a close friend

So what do you want now? Contact her for what? To resume working together? You’ve made your choice stick to it

That's very tricky. You might lose the betrayed friend if you get back with the other one. Has she forgiven her? Are the married couple still together? And what was the blackmail all about, was the other one coerced somehow?
I wouldn't normally judge, but as you were all friends that makes it a lot more difficult.
Can you see the other one discreetly, maybe she's not as bad as she looks.

I think you’re right to be fair. I need to stick to it. Just having a wobble. Probably a bit lonely. It’s been over a month now and I’m less angry which is why I think I’m wobbling a little.

Surround yourself with people who reflect who you want to be and admire, she doesn’t sound like someone you could ever trust she has shown her true colours. Get new friends she was just a bad habit that you miss

Given that you know both the women involved, you were always going to have to choose. It's the right thing to support the innocent party, who had been wronged by both her husband and her friend!
As for your ex friend - there are no mitigating circumstances that can justify what she did. Losing friends is a consequence of her own choices.

@Looneytune253shes probably lonely to. But you’ve stuck by the friend who’s been cheated on and it’s probably best to stick with that now or she’ll be even more devastated.

You have done the right thing by ending the friendship. She not only betrayed your friend but she lied to you too. How could you trust her in the future? Continue to support your friend that's been cheated on as if you resume contact with the cheater you may risk losing her friendship too.

@Looneytune253 - it is very hard to lose a dear friend but she’s shown she cannot be trusted. This wasn’t a drunken fumble, immediately regretted - this went on for years. She was careless enough that people thought something was going on. She gaslighted your mutual friend. It makes little sense to suggest she was blackmailed into behaviour which frankly made her eminently more blackmailable. This is someone who cannot be trusted at all. She may be lonely now but that’s a consequence of what she did. She chose this situation and she has co-created this shit show with its horrible fallout. Your other friend is the victim in all of this.

If you don't feel the same about your friend, you literally won't be able to treat her the same way. Doesn't have to be about judgement. Step back if you need to.

I think you are going through the stages.

You have broken the relationship off, yes, stage one.

But now you are in stage two, where you are sad and upset about it. Time is lengthening, she would normally have been there and you are grieving the fact that she isn't.

I went through this. I had a close friend and they came on holiday with us for my 50th and behaved so badly that the relationship had to end, but I missed it so much, so much. That feeling has faded now but it was very painful and there was a big hole for a while.

I can't be friends with people who don't hold the same fundamental values I do, which includes not having affairs with other peoples husbands! Let alone when it's a close mutual friend. I have ended a friendship for this reason and I didn't even know the wronged wife. But I can't sit there and emotionally support someone who is doing something I so strongly disagree with.

As you do know the victim in all this, I really don't think you can go back to being friends with the person who caused it. If they can hurt a friend that badly, they're not trust worthy and that's important in a friendship.

You have every right to end a friendship for any reason you want; no one is entitled to a specific person's friendship, or to friendship at all. Given the circumstances, though, you have to accept that you made your choice not just to end the friendship but to interfere and threaten your ex-friend along with the rest of the group and so the friend you dumped probably does not want you back in her life and wouldn't trust you again, either. You've both burned your bridges. It's best to just draw a line under the situation and move on. I'm not sure what you mean by saying you worked together every day - if you are colleagues working for an outside employer you probably will have to come to some ind of understanding unless one of you is prepared to leave.