No contact with in laws

[Saturn81]

Over the years my in-laws have had a very negative impact on my relationship and my mental health. I’ve had to cut contact. I’ve made it clear to my partner I’ll not stand in the way of him and our child having a relationship but I can’t be involved. There are countless examples but in general they’re intrusive- they phone multiple times a day and ask a lot of questions, if you refuse to answer or try to keep something private, they get extremely upset. They argue with my partner the arguments can come up over very trivial matters and turn into shouting matches that can go on for days. His mother can be particularly vicious and has no limits, swearing, character attacks and relentless bombardment. His father basically joins in and justifies it. They apologise and expect immediate forgiveness. I have forgiven countless episodes and I’m done. I have always tried to stay out of their fights and say nothing but they have a big problem with this and will begin to create reasons why I’m to blame or I’ve caused a problem. There are passive aggressive comments, attempts to interfere in our life decisions like where we live, our work and house purchases, parenting. If we have my family or other visitors 9/10 they create drama and bad feeling over imagined slights if they feel excluded in any way. So many plans over the years have been cancelled because their behaviour and arguing sets my partner off. I’ve realised nothing I do or say will be enough for them and I can’t live under this constant scrutiny with virtually no privacy. I’m also realising that my partner has never really protected me from them so I have to do so myself. He’d ‘defend’ me to them in their fights but ultimately nothing has changed and they use guilt and manipulation to try to control him. I’m not making any rash decisions but the fact he’s not fully supportive of my decision after years of truly awful treatment and expecting me to re-engage with no sign of change, I’m questioning the future of my marriage. Has anyone had a partner from a similar dynamic that has realised how harmful it is and stepped up or should I just accept this is probably never going to change and make my plans to separate?

Obviously we’ve only heard your side of the story but they sound like a nightmare and if your husband won’t support your decision then this is probably the beginning of the end of your marriage.

My in laws were a huge bone of contention in my first marriage...It didn't resolve, the issues were so systemic and the patterns so deep rooted that it was never going to. I come from a completely different family dymanic and it was so very alien to me, exH could see they were unreasonable in theory, but seemed to be completely unable to break the pattern unfortunately. Good luck with whatever you decide, there's no easy outcome.

Where they like this before you married?

Why have you forgiven countless episodes?. You would not tolerate this from a friend so why them?. I guess in mitigation you had not come across such disordered of thinking people like this before. These people likely have some forms of untreated and untreatable personality disorder.

Your man has grown up with them and sees their behaviour as somewhat normal. He cannot or will not deal with them due to he likely believing the sky will fall down on hIm if mother gets upset. Your FIL is her willing enabler and secondary abuser.

I guess your h is not open to having therapy re his parents.

If they are too toxic for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your child too. I would keep your child well away from them going forward. Your man may well want to continue to have a relationship with them but your child and you do not need to do so.

That’s fair, definitely two sides to everything. I think certainly initially they saw me as competition for their attention and at first I thought they were just very ‘close’ so I tried to be understanding of it being an adjustment. I have made a huge effort to try and get to know and understand them and build a good relationship over years but their patterns of behaviour in between more peaceful episodes have been very, very difficult. It’s just hard to perhaps accept that this might be it as I know I would never expect him to tolerate this from my family (and they would never treat anyone like that in a million years).

Thanks, I’m sorry to hear you’ve experienced something similar. Sadly I think it is very entrenched with them and since I’ve cut contact they’ve promised to change, have seen the error of their ways, etc. but unfortunately I do not trust them now and have many years of experience of seeing no to very little change whatsoever. My partner can see it all very clearly but he thinks somehow he can fix it- I’m thinking not. You can’t change other people.

Yes, they were but I suppose I foolishly thought my partner would implement some boundaries and that it might settle. To be fair, he used to go over to their house every five minutes and would be on site in the middle of their arguments and had stopped doing that. He pared back on information shared and definitely does t spend as much time with them as he used to but the patterns remain and it’s just in the last six months it’s really become worse and totally intolerable to me.

You're right not to trust them, that kind of behaviour isn't simply unlearned.
Tbh, I would keep a very close eye on how they interact with your child - if your husband can't protect you, is he able to protect a child from their awfulness?

I’m with you. My in laws are dysfunctional. I didn’t realise quite how much in the beginning but they are not good for my MH so I don’t engage these days. DH only engages if someone ill and even then it’s minimal. There’s absolutely no need for people to intrude into your life on the basis that they are ‘family’. These days your family can be friends and neighbours.

I suppose I forgave countless episodes because I thought I was being tolerant and understanding and hopeful things could he talked out but that has had very limited success. Family is important to me and I have a good relationship with mine so I was really willing to try. But you’re right, I would never put up with this kind of behaviour anywhere else in my life. I also love my partner so I just wanted to try and get on. It took me a long time to realise (partly because they are so manipulative and I clever about it so I really questioned myself a lot and thought maybe I’m the problem) that they are very troubled people. I suppose also I was raised to respect elders so I didn’t see as clearly and as quickly as I should have that older or not, their behaviour is appalling and incredibly immature and controlling.

They’re good to our child and adore their grandchild but yes, I’m conscious of them picking up on the dysfunction even indirectly and I don’t want it in any way being perceived as normal. I also don’t want our child thinking it’s acceptable to treat anyone in that way. I need to think it through but I do want her to have some kind of relationship with them, even if it’s not a very close one. It just depends on if they can manage to be around her without their dysfunction spilling out and I’m not totally confident of that.

He’s had some counselling before but I don’t think he’s really delved into the issues in the way that might be needed. I think he feels a lot of shame about the dynamics but also stuck wanting to please them which I’ve learned is impossible as they’re bottomless pits of neediness and very controlling.i think if he would be willing to get help it could make a difference but I guess I’m trying to be realistic about how much change might actually happen.

i wouldn’t doubt there is some kind of personality disorder or some serious issues going on because I’ve never come across such carrying on in my life. My family finds it shocking. His mother expects everything to revolve around her and her feelings and the father just goes along. It’s a very sad situation as they’ve fallen out with loads of people over the years- I’m one of many.

You’re absolutely right. It’s good your husband is on the same page. It’s taken me a long time to recognise family or not, I don’t need to tolerate that kind of nonsense. I’ve not put examples in here but suffice to say that some of it has definitely been emotionally abusive and that’s never okay.

Your child needs emotionally healthy grandparents and they simply do not fit the bill. If you stay away from
them then your child needs to stay away from them too, it’s the same deal for her.

How do you explain your absence when she is taken over to see them?. You cannot rely on your man to stop them dripping poison in her ears about you and in addition they could also try and steal her heart and mind from under your very nose.

Your DH may benefit from this book - Dr Aziz Gazipura
Not Nice

My exh never stuck up for me of our dc. When we had ds unmarried and hadn't been together long they bought ds a second hand basket of which I was very grateful.. Their dd got a 1k pram set up a year later. The favouritism grew and grew. Dh would never ask them about it. It bubbled and we had words but things doesn't change. When we divorced exh got no contact with the 2 older dc. Ils never once asked to see them or rang me about them.

I’m really sorry you went through that. It’s very painful when the person meant to be closest to you doesn’t stand up for you. Favouritism isn’t great either…sounds like you’re quite lucky to have them out of you and you children’s lives.