Staying with shouty parents and toddler while husband works away

[WavesBeachToddlerCastles]

Staying with my parents and toddler for a few months while DH works away (they insisted, and have spent a lot of time and money on a nursery etc, this is not about me imposing on them). My difficulty is...they are very shouty people and I'm on day 5 here and struggling.

They have been together 37 years and worked together and were together 24/7 before they retired. The way they deal with conflict is to just get it all out there, properly, then and there. They have big tempers. My entire childhood I was on edge. They think it's healthy, I think it's horrible. They shout and scream and say horrible insults to each other. They'll smash an object or throw one too. Most arguments are done in 30 seconds or 5 -10 minutes at most. I've grown up to be a person that completely avoids conflict and never have any fights with DH, for example. I literally never complain or even tell him when I don't like something. I walk away from arguments entirely.

They are also Eastern European (I was raised in the UK) and the culture they come from is just so rude. I hate it. They never have a good word to say about anyone. They find it ridiculous when I thank them, compliment my mum's food or whatever. They don't think family needs to say polite things.

The difficulty is that they are otherwise incredibly loving and generous parents! They would move heaven and earth for me (and my son). Genuinely, the love is really there.

I would really hurt them if I took my toddler and left. They renovated an entire room for my todddler and have spent hundreds if not thousands. They are so happy to get a chance to spend more time with their grandson. But they have so many micro-arguments, it's all such petty stuff, even DH says he's always on edge in this house.

I'm just looking for some advice or experience from anyone who has gone through a similar childhood.

The way they deal with conflict is to just get it all out there, properly, then and there. They have big tempers. My entire childhood I was on edge. They think it's healthy, I think it's horrible. They shout and scream

I think the issue is, that you knew all this and yet still moved in with them.
It will be 100x more difficult to now move out than it would have been in the first place for you to say "No thanks Mum and Dad,. It is important to me that we stay in our own home and stand on our own feet. I appreciate the offer but I am an adult now and we will be fine"

But there is no way in a million years I would live in a house like that with my child seeing and hearing that behaviour and witnessing it as if it were normal and acceptable.

Staying with my parents and toddler for a few months while DH works away (they insisted

OP, you are a grown woman and it is not for your parents to insist on any fucking thing. You aren't compatible, you don't want to expose your child to their brand of shouty nonsense and you are perfectly capable of remaining in the marital home on your own until your husband gets back. Just tell them it's not working and you've changed your mind, and go home.

OP, do you have another house that is standing empty, then? Or are you between lets, or what is the situation? You are going to go mad if you are stuck with your quarrelsome parents for “a few months”, and it’s not very nice, either, for your DH to come home to such a situation. It’s also a terrible example to set for your toddler. I think you and your DH need to have a serious talk about what is best to do - it’s all very well your DPs being “hurt” if you were to move out: they’re not exactly providing any sort of nice environment for you to bring up your DC.

I don't understand why you felt the need to move in with your parents and didn't just stay at home with your little one. You have a choice here - either stay and put up with the way they are or leave and go back to your home!

It’s your job to protect your child from the damage of previous generations. You knew what your parents are like. Living with them was always going to be a mistake.

it’s ok to come up with some excuse, but you need to go home.

What’s the alternative?

You’re only on day 5 and you’re already struggling; what’s day 15 and 50 going to be like then?. It will be more of the same from them.

Why did you go back to your parents home knowing full well they kick off at each other continuously ?. They do that because they can and it works for them. Their generosity comes at a high price and it’s conditional They haven’t changed since your own childhood.

That poor decision did you no favours and now your child is being exposed to their toxic crap.

You’re an adult with agency so did your fear obligation and guilt kick in here to make you move back in with them?. Time to return to your own home. Don’t get further taking in by their supposed hurt aka emotional blackmail to keep you there.

I would be honest with them and be firm that unless they're able to tone their arguments right doesn't for the duration of your stay then you'll have to go back home. Make it clear that you aren't prepared for your son to endure the anxiety that you yourself endured as a child. Tell them to save the shouting, swearing and insults for when your toddler is not around.

You need to break out of the pattern of avoiding conflict. I think therapy might help. There's healthy ways to manage conflict. If you never confront any issues in relationships, how can they be resolved?

Just be sort of honest - "mum, dad, sorry this isn't going to work, I'm an adult who has lived independently for years and this feels like going backwards. I'm going back to my own home."

The nursery will be nice for short visits.

If their habit is to have big emotions and then back to normal, then let them do all that, but stick to going back home.

There has to be more to this story?

What has happened to your home? All your stuff? Or if its all just sitting there why dud anyone think you were incapable of looking after a toddler on your own for a bit (and,yes, before you say it, ive done it. I'll admit sitting in A&E with one child while desperately trying to patch together childcare for the other was a low point, but it's totally doable).

If your house is still there, grow a backbone and go home. If you no longer have a home, get yourself looking for a rental. Do not expose your son to thexsamevtoxuc environment you grew up in.

It's really mad that you went to live with them when you didn't really want to and certainly didn't need to - women manage to care for their children without the other parent every day of the week. Anyone would struggle moving in with their parents as an adult for months but especially in an environment like this. Time to be a grown up and make a plan to return home. Give them a couple more weeks if you don't want to hurt their feelings but a month is the longest you should consider.